Red neon blinks through the blinds in the hotel room. It’s a cool night and I keep the window shut. The tuxedo hangs on the hook on the bathroom door. Black, white, cufflinks and a fine pressed silk handkerchief.
It’s quiet in the room, too quiet. The cigarette glows in my mouth for a brief moment, smoke drifting to the ceiling slowly in a swirl of silent harmony and melody. Outside I see the city glittering and lighting up the night in brilliant colors.
I turn on the record player and watch it spin up. Place a platter on the table, drop the needle. Sinatra sings and the world gets clearer, sharper.
“…a lady doesn’t wander all over the room, and blow on some other guy’s dice…”
Yeah. Another drag on the cigarette, then it’s time to get ready. The scotch sitting on the night stand goes down smooth, just the kind of kick needed to get me moving.
The monkey suit fits well, Tony did a good job the last time I brought it in to his shop. The lines are crisp, the shirt pressed, collar like knife edges. The bow tie goes on, just so…
Another shot of scotch. Time to go.
It’s busy on the streets of the city, cars flashing by, their lights giving life to reality. Standing at a crosswalk waiting for the light to change I hear Dean Martin playing over the radio. Amore, what more is there to say?
I walk on, passing through a throng of people dressed to the nines, out on the town. Stunning dames on the arms of debonair men, diamonds glittering under the city lights, almost as bright as the smiles on their faces. Good job there buddy, that’s one beautiful lady you got there. Good job.
Light up another cigarette, cupping the flame as I cross the street. The club lay up ahead, it’s front lit in brilliant colors, one classy joint.
Johnny nods to me as I walk up to the door. I slip him some filthy lucre and he shakes my hand and opens the door. I walk in to a world of music and drink, laughing and jazz.
“Evening,” the bartender says, wiping a glass on the towel around his waist, “the usual?”
I nod. He turns and pours out top shelf bourbon, neat, then lays the drink down on the bar in front of me. I toss a quarter out for the drink, and another for a tip. His shirt needs pressed and his tie dry cleaned. That should help.
Turning I look at the crowd.
Diamonds and white dresses, dim lights, the game in motion. And what a game it is.
She’s sitting at the edge of the bar, how didn’t I see her when I came in? There’s a woman that gets noticed. I decide to notice her and walk over.
She has long, blonde hair, her face reminds me of Maureen O’Sullivan. She’s dressed in a way that would make a father wince and a boyfriend proud. Long black strapless dress, pearls and earrings let me know that she’s the kind of dame that requires upkeep. She looks worth it, so I talk to her.
“Mind if I sit down,” I ask.
She turns and looks me over. Her eyes are blue, her face demure. She barely nods.
“Sure”
I light another cigarette and offer her one. She takes it. I offer a light. She pulls on it gently, orange embers casting her face in a pale glow.
“Drink,” I ask.
“I suppose so,” she says, turns, and orders an Old Fashioned.
Trying idle chit chat with her doesn’t go anywhere. She’s clearly here for something else.
“You expecting your man to show up,” I ask.
“No. And I’m not here to talk either, sorry,” she states, sitting back and looking around the room. She cuts a fine figure sitting there on the barstool and I can’t help but stare.
She smiles just a little bit.
“It’s rude to stare,” she says.
“Is it rude to dance,” I ask.
“Thought you’d never ask”
The band has been playing upbeat tunes, and the floor is nearly deserted. I walk over and talk to the band leader. Quick tip, and he turns.
“Slow one boys”
The Last Dance floats through the room. I take her hand, and place my other hand around her narrow waist. The room watches us as we glide across the floor, the music flowing as we gaze into each other’s eyes.
The lights overhead dim further and it’s nearly a candle lit joint now. We dance holding each other, feeling the rhythm of the song move through us.
“You dance beautifully,” I tell her, leaning in to whisper in her ear.
She looks into my eyes as I pull my head back. She’s soft, gentle, and smiles charmingly.
I pull her closer. She doesn’t resist. We dance alone, for each other, forever.
The song ends. The room applauds politely.
“Thank you,” she says, and disappears into the room.
I walk back to the bar and put on my jacket, and walk out of the club into the brisk city night. The world is a beautiful place.
My heart is shattering, into a million pieces, more cracks showing up all time. Silently. As my pain grows from the inside, as the pain-filled swelling takes over from hidden corners of my heart and pushes on the outer walls more cracks appear. No one notices. I am the strong one, with the solid core, that no one needs to protect. I shatter, but I do not explode.
Why? Why am I not worthy of love? Of effort? Why is it not EASY to love me? Loving is easy for me, the desire to protect so strong, the desire to care… which is part of the swelling. I want to care for him. I want to help him, I want to comfort, touch, love him. It is easy to love him. It is hard to watch him close off from the world. My heart shatters, his contracts, protecting the inner self. I can’t get in, there is no room for me. He doesn’t WANT me in, I don’t soothe or protect or feel loving to him, I am an invader. Because he doesn’t love me? That was always the question, wasn’t it? If he loves me, and is afraid, or doesn’t know how, or just needs time, or new habits to form, I could give a lifetime. I don’t know, though, and with repeated evidence there is no room for me, I question if he DOES want me there. Maybe he doesn’t. Maybe it just isn’t fear or needing time… now I think… that just isn’t what he wants. He wants to protect that inner core, doesn’t want to rely on anyone, or at least me. Doesn’t want to want me sexually. Maybe it is because that is how he thinks life should be? Sometimes he says so, but I don’t believe it. Maybe it is that I do not have the words, the patience, the ability to draw it out of him? I didn’t for my ex, but his new wife did… maybe it is just me. The swelling grows, again I am not enough, and I don’t know why, I don’t know how to fix it. For him I would do anything I can to fix it. I love him with all of me, even though I know it is foolish. Maybe…. He just doesn’t love me. Maybe I am just wrong for him. Maybe he doesn’t want to want me because it isn’t ME he wants. Maybe there is some girl out there, with the inner sweetness and sharpness he needs to inspire him. Maybe I just am not his “one”. I love him, and hurt. I want for him to be healthy and whole and let people in. I want for me, too. I want to be cherished, openly. I want to be loved with a free and easy heart, trusted because of my actions, not blind love. I want to be wanted, as much because of that love as for my body, because my body will age, and I want to be wanted forever. I want to be loved. I hurt, my heart swells. I shatter more every day. Silently.
The dark slowly creeps toward me. It is standing behind me waiting. I know it is there as pretend to ignore it and keep moving forward. But it remains ever more subtly pushing towards me. It is rising and growing and preparing to consume. I try to move faster, run away, hide from it. Ignoring no longer works, I know it is there. The darkness hides the evil welling up in it. It proclaims it is peace, serenity, and exit. I am not fooled, yet, I still know there is no peace inside of it. The struggle grows greater and the fight more intense. My will to defend weakens but my desire to win grows. I want the battle to be over, I want the darkness to go away. I just want the sweat taste of peace, serenity and exit.
Tonight please bid me your last goodbye For I can’t stand still here no more I’m cold now, so cold and alone I want to go home I know you’ll never come back, never again See my heart shattered into pieces, hear me cry in pain
I’m tired, weak from all the hurt you put me through Your spoken love for me keeps echoing Echoing, making me insane Insane, yes, for so many unspoken reasons Reasons, your reasons you vaguely uttered
Why believing leads one to bleeding? And loving so much means leaving the other in the end? Why trusting ends up to deceiving? Everything is like whirlwind in my head I’m going round and round in circles I Actually don’t understand
We now live under separate skies You’re starting to live your life I’m struggling to hold on to mine With silent tears, I let go of you Let go of everything that’s holding me back to move on
My dreams forever will be kept For it is only with you I felt everything My tears would never fall again For it is only with you I could pour myself out So now I hide myself - I don’t want to get hurt again
Thank you for loving and hurting me I could never hate you For my love could see deeper beyond You thought the limits of my understanding Go now, just go and never look back For all you can see is still the same one Who made you her everything... Follow the road you’ve been longing to conquer And when you get there please…. ….never look back again... For if you do All you'll find is a river of tears and dark clouds of despair.
A stationary sense ... as, I suppose, I shall have, till my single body grows Inaccurate, tired; Then I shall start to feel the backward pull Take over, sickening and masterful— Some say, desired.
And this must be the prime of life ... I blink, As if at pain; for it is pain, to think This pantomime Of compensating act and counter-act, Defeat and counterfeit, makes up, in fact, My ablest time.
Love not too much. But how, When thou hast made me such, And dost thy gifts bestow, How can I love too much? Though I must fear to lose, And drown my joy in care, With all its thorns I choose The path of love and prayer.
Though thou, I know not why, Didst kill my childish trust, That breach with toil did I Repair, because I must: And spite of frighting schemes, With which the fiends of Hell Blaspheme thee in my dreams, So far I have hoped well.
But what the heavenly key, What marvel in me wrought Shall quite exculpate thee, I have no shadow of thought. What am I that complain? The love, from which began My question sad and vain, Justifies thee to man.
I love you for dark reasons Things you'd never really understand Tarnished marks upon my soul Hidden secrets locked away Where my light was overcome Darkness washed over it all Brittle stregnth left behind Courage is just a front While the timid me remains
Then you ask, How, for dark reasons, do I love you?
Because you are my light Against all things dark The key to unlock my secrets And set inner deamons free An acceptance of me and My faulty soul You find beauty in my flaws And stregnth not to hold me up But to stand by me instead
To my dark reasons you are light. You are my balance. For that, I love you.
Now when alone my inclination’s split For in each ear a daemon tortures me One speaks temptations and the opposite Denounces those acts of passivity
The first daemon, he being ever cruel Recalls my love for me in full detail Those green eyes remembered melt my cool The flame shows cold reason to be too frail
The second beast, he being of the forms Knows nothing of that which he stands against His words though they be fine and well adorned Against her eyes are lost without substance
And with the thought of green that ear goes deaf Without my mind my heart is all that’s left
I wrote this sonnet a while back shortly after I lost my ex. It is designed to express the conflicting feelings that I had. Each part is symbolic of an emotional and mental battle. The daemon is a mythical creature which would bring messages from the gods and whisper them in one's ear. I'll leave the other parts to be understood by the reader.
Time the great healer comes to ease my pain Touching my wounds and taking them away What once was broken becomes whole again Memories diminish and become grey
I feel lighter losing what weight is there Knowing this mending is the way of things Feelings don’t show, I no longer despair Accepting and losing the last of the sting
My mind still wonders at how it can be That with my oaths I remain alive Never shaking my given loyalty But in some way inside the cause can die
And all around the world’s a lot brighter Pity now I’m twenty-one grams lighter.
This is my original work. It may appear to be a sonnet of healing but if you understand the final two lines then you will understand the whole meaning.
The Dance
