"for the best...." achingallover: Anyone else out there have this situation going on...
I've been thinking alot about this...
My stbx says "this is for the best". He really believes that this is not only the best for him, but the best for ME too! And like, I think he thinks that at some point, I will realize this is for the BEST for me. He was right!..or some such nonsense. I mean, yes, he and I had been completely enmeshed in that, if I didn't understand something on the computer, he would get irritated and whip through it when he showed it to me, as if I was an extension of him - like the part of him that "knew what to do" but just forgot. I wonder if that could be why he truly believes this is the "best" for me too - becuase he doesn't know where he ends and I begin. He doesn't realize that I have feelings DIFFERENT than his. Hum....
What do you all think? Anyone else dealing with this "it's for the best" thang?
hugs-
Steph
Re: "for the best...." down2basics: Actually Achy, I have....
However, it was me saying "it's for the best"...Ok - before you shoot me - hear me out....
My X was sedentary, uninvolved and completely aloof from me, my family and basically from life. He didn't pay bills, manage money, care for sick kids and maintain the house and property, cars etc...I DID!
Well...by divorcing him it has benefited us both two fold...One, I am finally getting to know ME....who I am, what I want and where I want to go with my life. I have always lived vicariously through others...their dreams were my dreams, etc. Now, I have my own sense of self and it is truly beautiful!
Second, it has forced him to face life head on. He has to manage his own money, pay his own bills and deal with his weight problem, plus figure out what he wants to be when he grows up.
So, yes, in my case, it was absolutely for the best....no question.
Hope this helps! Cyber hugs your way!
d2b ;)
Re: niceguy: I heard the same thing. My wife said I'll be better off in the long run. At first it really hurt. How could she say that, I know what's best for me and at the time it was her. Had to be...right...I mean I committed myself to her how could I have made a mistake. I was angry because she couldn't be right about anything at the time, she was leaving me and that couldn't be what was in store for me.
As time is passing, I can honestly say she could be right. We are all valuable people and if this person can't give us everything we need and deserve from a relationship then maybe they're right. We will be better off in the long run. It's a hard pill to swallow, but we will be stronger and we will find someone who treats us the way we deserve to be treated!
I'm not looking forward to the search, but it the end I hope she is right because I want to be happy!
Re: notmyself: i also said 'it's for the best', but he left me! at first i was devastated, lost, and all those words that describe having the rug pulled out from under you/ having life turned upside down. i have realized that he has done me a favor, even when he realized that he was wrong and wanted to come back home. i refused to reconcile and have proceed to do everything that needs to be done to get this divorce over and done with. 6 months, 4 days left. god bless maryland for that year long waiting period. (sarcasm) if he can says this to you and not recognize your feelings, in the long run you will be better off, you deserve better. you will be fine, you will get through this. you will be even better.
Re:"for the best...." inebr: Oh, man, can I relate to this. My stbx has been saying, basically since October that "I think the best thing for us is to get a divorced". He says he's been waiting for me to come to the "place" where I too see that he's right. Well, guess what, I'm arriving to that spot where I DO see it is the best thing because it’s impossible to be with someone who has the mindset that "I think the best things for us is to get divorced"??? Ugh. It's more complicated than just that, but the idea is that he bailed and he's trying to make me see that it was the best thing.
So, I guess technically, in the end, I will probably come out as agreeing with him, ...the best thing IS to get divorced. I won't ever see it as it was the best thing to do, but more that he just willed it to happen by continually fighting for it to be the "right" thing to do and that the marriage was doomed. Somehow he got it dead set in his mind early on that it wasn't going to work, and, well, as you all can see, it’s not working.
Geesh, I'm super angry and upset today.
But, ya, I hear ya Steph. My stbx has done the same thing many times. I have always communicated to him that this is not what I want, that I respect his right to make decisions about his life as he sees fit and best for him, but to not try to convince me as to what is right for me. That’s MY department. I married him for the right reasons, I have fought over the last months for this to work for the right reasons. I have to make the right decisions for me. But getting married and splitting up like this has not been my decision and nor do I think I will ever see this as having been “the best thing to do”. I know I have to respect the fact that he feels this is the best thing but I also have to ask he respects the fact that I don't.
humph.
Sorry to go off on my things in your post, in a round about way I'm trying to give you support and understanding by relating my experience. ...I do understand, it's not nice to be told how you think, or should think by someone. That is all you, you decide how you feel about your life and the experiences you go through. ...he needs to take responsibility for him and not you. This was his decision. He's probably trying to relieve his guilt by saying that to you as well. Leaving this relationship would be so much easier for my stbx if I were on board with the idea …he wouldn’t have to question his decision and he wouldn’t have the guilt of having hurt another person (me).
talk to you later, chica.
hugs
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