Any leave"ers" with regrets? SunnyFlower: It seems like a majority of the people on this forum have been left by thier mates. I am one of the few that decided it was for the best to leave my H and am having some feeling of regret now. :-/ Regret is a hard thing to live with and would appreciate any feedback from someone in my boat.
See my original post titled "What do I do NOW??"
Thanks for listening, you guys are all great!
Re: Any leave"ers" with regrets? down2basics: Hi Sunny!
I too am a leaver...a walk away wife...an abandoning spouse...I'm all of those things and man...I've carried the regret for a long time now.
One thing is certain however, whenever I start to feel the twinge of regret, I remember why I left in the first place....then I get mad. Mad at myself for actually considering allowing myself to be suckered back into the situation I fought so hard to get out of in the first place.
I am so much better now that I'm am single and on my own. Granted, being a parent is harder than before because I don't have a fall back...someone to take up the slack when I need them. If I have to work late, I have to bring my kids to the office because there's no one at home to watch them. Things like that...
All in all though, I am a much happier, contented human being for the decision I made. And to tell the truth, so is my x - although I doubt he'd admit it!
d2b
Re: Any leave"ers" with regrets? SunnyFlower: Thanks, down.
I don't know what your situation is/was and what made you leave your H, but I keep thinking now it was a mistake. He never cheated or was abusive. Sure, he was no angel, but neither am I! Overall, he was a pretty good husband. Why did I leave, then?
I think alot of it was personal for me. I am a child of an abusive alcholic father, and was put down by him for so many years. We have a great relationship now, but the scars are still there. He constantly blamed me for everything, and over time, I built such strong defenses I was afraid to admit I was ever wrong about anything. I took alot of my anger out on my husband. I was so lost for so long, and was constantly looking for happiness in all the wrong places. I have learned alot about myself, but I still have so far to go. I was on the path of "maybe a house will make me happy"...still, nothing. "Maybe a child?"...(a GREAT joy in my life, but a child does NOT make a person happy if they have issues inside themselves that need to be worked out)..."maybe a house??"...no. "For SURE a divorce must be the answer!!"...NO!! Now that I have been away from my marriage and situation at home for 7 months now, I see that my H was actually a source of strength for me. He loved me and was there to support me whenever I was down in the dumps. I didn't treat him the way he deserved to be treated, and now that HE has been away from ME he has said he realized "how poorly I treated him" and that he's "so much happier now".
The feeling of regret is overwhelming me. I want so hard to better myself (I have been working on it), and want him to see how I have changed, too. Problem is, I think there is too much damage done already to ever have him come around again. I want him to be happy, and if letting him go is truly what he wants, then I have to live with that and the decision I made for us when we first seperated. At least if I knew he forgived me, and understood WHY I treated him the way I did, it would be closure and easier for me, and us both, I think, to let go and move on. Our son is not even 2 years old, yet, so we still have many years of raising this chikld "together", either in a marriage or out of the marriage.
I am supposed to talk to him tongiht for the first time since January, but he's already stated that if I wanted to talk about "us", there's nothing to discuss. Like I said, if he truly wants out and this is it, then at least I can beg for his forgiveness. :-[
Re: Any leave"ers" with regrets? atd74: Sunny,
Don't beg him for forgiveness.
I was the leaver in my situation as well and have absolutely no regrets because my ex treated me like sh**. He totally used me, took me for granted, took advantage of my family as well as me, was a liar, and so many other things...
Anyway. I just don't think you should beg his forgiveness whether he wants to give you a chance or not. My ex did the same thing... the problem was I had already forgiven him because I felt it was over and done with. The damage had been done so no matter what he did to beg for me to come back to him it wasn't going to work. It only made him even more pitiful and sad.
I forgave him so that I could move on and forward with my life and I think that's probably where your ex is at. I would also suggest that if you are tired today as you stated in another post that maybe you SHOULD delay your meeting. Sometimes when you are not yourself (selves) because your tired and irritable, or stressed with work or have a lot on your plate these discussions can turn ugly and you may have wished you could start over.
Whenever you do meet with him, don't beg and plead for forgiveness... just state your case and let it be. Keep your dignity.
Re: Any leave"ers" with regrets? lost1: Hi. I'm new here, but I saw this post and it was almost like it was about me.
I have been divorced two times now. The first time, I was the leave"ee". I didn't think that anything could be worse than the way I was feeling at the time. I mean, I had no control over what was happening and I wanted to crawl into a hole and dissappear. Then marriage number two.
Ten years later, I realized that I was just not happy in this marriage. After much counseling and deliberation, my wife told me that maybe we should get divorced. I'm not sure that she was completely serious. I think she was trying to jolt me into working harder on the marriage. But I agreed. Several times during the process of the divorce she has asked if I'm sure we should do this, saying that she can tear up the papers and stop everything. I said I was sure, moved out, and started my life without her.
My point is that I have regrets, now, every day and she's moved on. I know how hard it is to be left, but I also want those who were left to realize that this is not easy - AT ALL - on the leave"er". I remember thinking when my first wife left that she has the better deal - she didn't have to hurt as much because obviously if she was leaving, she must not care. Sometimes, depending on the circumstances, I believe it may harder to be the leaver. Instead of having the feeling that you don't have a choice in what happens, you know that you are the one making the choice to stay apart. That everyone's pain is because of the decision you are making. That's a heavy burden to bear.
I guess, though what it all boils down to is that both sides suck.
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