Re:lonely but not for the X helplessness: [quote author=Sad Eyes link=board=6;threadid=10024;start=0#msg80264 date=1113421394">
Not just somebody to come home to but somebody who can spoon with you on cold nights, give massages, take care of you when you are sick, somebody to Make Love too...not just have sex with. [/quote">
Sad eyes, that quote is my idea of a committed relationship.
SCS, Your right, I do still love him and care immensley. As you said "he was never capable of being a full participant in your relationship". He said that himself many times.
Deep inside I'm not ready to let go. We still have a v good relationship even though he doesnt live with me anymore.
In the future, he might be capable to supply those things I need, but for now, I will deal with loneliness of my empty house, make time for those activities to keep me busy and maybe learn how to enjoy the peace and quiet and calm that exists around me at the moment.
When I was at home with my parents I loved those moments of quietness and peace with noone around, maybe I can learn that skill again.
Thank you all for your comments and concern
Re:lonely but not for the X teacherwriterguy: As often occurs, I am agreeing with MTMO/SCS (these acronyms are quite weighty to type aren't they?).
The companionship idea isn't just that there's another body there - I don't think a lodger would fit the bill.
From a personal perspective, it's more this way: when I was married (how odd to say that), I always knew that there was someone else by my side. If a day was difficult, or funny, or frustrating - I always knew exactly who I was going to tell about it. And I knew that there was someone whose life I was going to share - even if it was just something like her talking about what happened on the soap opera that she watched that day.
I often thought about it as being a unit rather than two people in a house - when things were going well, I'd find one or the other of us saying, "Oh the world is like this - except for you... you don't count." Meaning that we just took the other person as part of ourselves, we were a team. I think that's the feeling that I miss.
And really, I think that, more than anything, is how you know when a relationship is going south. You stop feeling like you are a team, like you are two people working together - you find yourself at cross purposes more and more often, on opposite sides of fences instead of the same.
I think it's really important to go into a relationship looking at it as something that the two of you build together - as soon as you start thinking of the partner as other, as someone to convince or change, you are in muddy waters.
I know this got off the topic of loneliness - but I at least wanted to expand on the idea of what it is that I miss - it's not the sex or the romance - just the idea of being part of that unit.
twg
Re:lonely but not for the X hollygolightly: TWG - you hit the nail on the head - it's the loss of being part of a team that can face this crazy world together.
Re:lonely but not for the X LostTeacher: i completely agree with you TWG.
i miss being a part of a unit. we had been a unit since high school. i miss being able to come home and share my day. i miss seeing him walk in the door, and me and my dog greeting him there. i miss picking him up from either work or the bus stop, and talking to him on the way home. i just miss having that person to share my life with.
and right now, i guess, because i am still so hurt, and trying not to hold on so tightly, i am not able to picture that with anyone else. and i know i will be able to eventually, but right now, it's hard.
Re:lonely but not for the X gumby55555: [quote author=teacherwriterguy link=board=6;threadid=10024;start=0#msg80291 date=1113424258">
From a personal perspective, it's more this way: when I was married (how odd to say that), I always knew that there was someone else by my side. If a day was difficult, or funny, or frustrating - I always knew exactly who I was going to tell about it. And I knew that there was someone whose life I was going to share - even if it was just something like her talking about what happened on the soap opera that she watched that day.
I often thought about it as being a unit rather than two people in a house - when things were going well, I'd find one or the other of us saying, "Oh the world is like this - except for you... you don't count." Meaning that we just took the other person as part of ourselves, we were a team. I think that's the feeling that I miss.
And really, I think that, more than anything, is how you know when a relationship is going south. You stop feeling like you are a team, like you are two people working together - you find yourself at cross purposes more and more often, on opposite sides of fences instead of the same.
I think it's really important to go into a relationship looking at it as something that the two of you build together - as soon as you start thinking of the partner as other, as someone to convince or change, you are in muddy waters.
I know this got off the topic of loneliness - but I at least wanted to expand on the idea of what it is that I miss - it's not the sex or the romance - just the idea of being part of that unit.
[/quote">
Ahh, I agree SO much with that, TWG... it's also that idea of being a "unit" (if you say it really fast, though, it ends up sounding like "eunuch"... a little disconcerting to find yourself saying, "I miss being a eunuch" :) ) that I was really attached to. The way you described it was absolutely perfect (hence, the huge quotation so it stays in my personal records :) ). But I do disagree with the idea of knowing your relationship's in trouble when you find yourself on "opposite sides of the fence"... that doesn't have to be destructive at all. But when one partner checks out of the unit, then your relationship's probably heading south and needs to be worked on. But I do find myself agreeing with you a lot... I think we both (and probably a lot of the other good folk on this wonderful site) bond in very similar ways. I'm still a sucker for the romance and passion... but it's more a sense of comfort and security (in the knowledge that the other person is part of your "unit") that I miss having (even though I'm seeing someone now, I find myself keeping her at arm's length... some trust issues thrown in there for good measure, I suspect :) ). Anyway, not to hijack this post, but great response, TWG!
