Why do I blame myself? disillusioned: Hey people..
Time and again I start thinking about the smallest things that I may have done to upset him and I ask myself that if this had not happened would we still be together? I've told you that he was abusive especially verbally and deep in my heart I know that we did not really have a future but still I sometimes question myself...I guess my biggest fault in this marriage was expecting too much from him...mainly that he would never leave me..
Is it normal to feel this way at such a time?
Another thing...I'm just 22 and I got married at the age of 20...He was my first and I guess its always harder to get over ur first...
Help me out here... ???
Re:Why do I blame myself? justmenow: Well, I don't know much about your story, but don't shoulder all the blame yourself. It takes two people to make a relationship and two people to break one.
It is not unreasonable for you to expect that the person to whom you've committed yourself would not leave you. After all, I think there's that little clause in the wedding vows that states "...til death do us part..." or something like that (it's been a while...)
If you're just 22, then you have all the time in the world ahead of you. You will learn from this, then move forward and make a new life for yourself (hopefully much happier and smarter).
Good luck and I hope you find some peace.
Re:Why do I blame myself? JASPER: It is easy to blame ourselves ,but it takes to to end a marriage and judging by your story he wasn't doing his part. Like JMN said you are still very young and have your whole life ahead of you just be glad you got out when you did abusive relationships can be very dangerous and often deadly I think you did what you had to do.
I know it's hard now and you still love him but in time you'll realize it was all for the best.
Re:Why do I blame myself? Jernigan: Disillusioned,
I beat myself up everyday with what I could have done better, what I could have done PERIOD, but at the end of the day, I have the very small satisfaction of knowing that I gave it my all and did what I could. Sure, we all could have done things differently---ALL of us, including your husband---but we didn't, and this is our current predicament. Reading your post, it strikes me that HE could have done things much, much differently and should shoulder at least an equal portion of the blame. No one deserves to be abused---physically, verbally or mentally. In fact, you deserve to be in a relationship where you can reasonably expect not to be.
Re:Why do I blame myself? SecondChance: I have been reading this board for a few months now without replying, but reading disillusioned's post really hit home. My stbx also became verbally abusive after we got married. He NEVER behaved this way before the wedding. Then, right after the wedding, he began calling me horrible names (I've never been called names like that before), screaming at me, and exhibiting harsh mood swings. I, too, tried to do everything possible to make him happy, and yet he refused to go to counseling or stop blaming me for his behavior. Every friend I've spoken with about this and my counselor supports my decision to leave. However, part of me still blames myself for giving up on the marriage. When the doubt creeps in, I feel disturbed. How can I still sometimes blame myself for leaving someone I became afraid of?
I stuck with him for two years hoping he would go to counseling or change. He refused to do anything to help the situation. I became very depressed and resigned myself to an unhappy marriage. However, something lifted a few months ago and I found the strength to leave. Most of the time, I'm happy and at peace. But every now and then I think of the marriage vows and feel guilty. It baffles me that this guilt comes up, seeing as he was so hateful and scary when he went on his rages. I walked on eggshells 100% of the time around him, and being away from him was a relief.
So that's the short version. I'm really glad this site exists.
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