Re:Why do I blame myself? atd74: Disillisiouned and Second Chance,
I can relate to both of your posts - especially you Second Chance. Though my husband never physically abused me he verbally, mentally and emotionally abused me. I always used to tell him he may as well of hit me becuase at least the bruises would dissappear. I know this sounds ignorant on my part but the scars that he left on me doing what he did will leave just as bad marks on me probably forever.
Walking on eggshells? Boy do I know what that was like. I too had the same issues you did Second Chance. Let me tell you both the feelings of guilt and being a failure was what led me to stay in an unhappy, unhealthy marriage for way too long. I tried and tried no matter what. I kept pushing and thinking we can do this. I wasted so much time and put in so much effort where he wasn't because of the guilt I felt. I felt that if I left I would be abondoning him. Of course I loved him with all my heart don't get me wrong. That is the number one reason I stuck it out so long. But because I didn't want us to fail and didn't want to feel those guilty feelings I stayed to no avail in the end.
I realized that I was worth more than he could ever give me. I realized that what he was doing not only to me but to himself was wrong. Dissillusioned, you did the right thing, especially when it comes down to abuse. You may have those feelings of guilt for some time - it's perfectly natural to feel this way when you fall in love with someone and have the connection you did. It takes a long time for some to get past that point where you let go.
For me it wasn't that hard before I filed to let go and give up the guilt and failure feelings. I don't feel any of that for him anymore. In fact I forgave him for everything only because I felt that's what I needed to do to move on and get going with the second chapter of my life. I will never forget the things he's done and said to me of course. I also feel sorry for him. He's a loser and if he doesn't change he's going to waste his life away and probably someone else's too. He'll go on this way and do what he did to me to someone else if they're not careful. And me... well, I'm young too (just turned 29). I have my whole life ahead of me and so do you!!!
Re:Why do I blame myself? inebr: Please don't blame yourself. I know, easier said than done. I might be off track here because you didn't say much about your situation, but it seems to me that your stbx got married to you and then shortly thereafter "went off the deep end". I would guess that he felt an overwhelming sense of responsibility and decided to become blaming and abusive towards you instead of dealing with it maturely and constructively. It's like he was placing the blame of his discomfort on you instead of himself (he was the one that got married too, I doubt anyone was holding a gun to his head). My stbx had a similar sort of what I would call a very childish reaction to being married. He just didn't want to anything to do with it. He felt the responsibility of the relationship and became resentful fast. He didn't become physically abusive but soon after being married he began to quietly resent me, look at me like I was his worst enemy, and of course withhold any sort of physical or emotional intimacy. It was awful.
Anyhow, don't know if that is the case with you but nonetheless, abuse should not be tolerated AT ALL. Shame on him for that. You did the right thing by getting away from him.
