What now twetifb: So I was chatting with a friend this afternoon and he asked how everything was going at home. I told him that things were getting worse everyday and that before vacation we discussed separating as soon as we got back. We sucked it up and tried to get along while on vacation for 10 days with his family. For the most part we behaved but it was still pretty obvious things aren't going well. His family saw some changes in him right off the bat...they noticed how unhappy he is as a person, they noticed how rude and angry he's become, and the way it's his way or no way. So at some point each member of his family asked me how I put up with him. His mom even pulled me aside and told me that if his father was ever like that, she wouldn't have stayed married to him. So there I was telling them all that it's tough but I'm okay. When he arrived home from vacation, I unpacked immediately and took the suitcases to the garage. I made a comment about how quickly I cleaned up and that it's amazing it didn't take me a month to do it all. His response, "Well, it's not even like you'll still be living here in a month." Bamm...just like that. No biggie though, I just walked out of the room. The next day I didn't see him cause he had plans in the evening, then the following three days we were together at a concert each night. We got along great and we're still getting along (today's day 7). I even suggested that we go to a baseball game on Saturday because we always have a good time. I don't know what to think/do. We have been seriously talking about separating since Dec and decided to hold off till after the vacation and concerts. Now that those of over, I don't know how it's going to take place. I don't want it to happen when we're fighting one night. I want us to sit down and end this marriage. Okay, maybe not end it entirely but separate. We need to because we are not in a healthy relationship and it has only been getting worse. He needs to come to terms with his drinking and take a good look at the person he's become. I need to put myself first for once and try to get my life back on track. We are more roommates than husband&wife and as scared as I am of being alone...I'm even more scared of spending the rest of my life in this relationship because I don't have the guts to get out of it!
Okay...just needed to get that off my chest.
Re:What now timetobefree: Hey Tweety,
Below is something I wrote right before my divorce, and it reminds me a lot of what you seem to be thinking right now:
I know that he is no longer mine and I am no longer his. But I know that we will always love each other.
I know that we cannot be together because we are toxic together. But I know that we had some wonderful times together and how can that be if we are so toxic together?
I know that I do now want to be with him because he doesn't really respect who I am. But I know that I would give anything to be with him and have him respect who I am.
I know that I am hurting like I never thought was possible. But I know that I loved him like I never thought possible.
I know that I still love him with a huge part of me. But I know that I despise him with that same huge part of me.
I know that the thought of a future without him seems so long and empty. But I know that a future with him would be longer and emptier.
I know that the thought of him with another woman kills me just a little. But I know that me being with him kills even more of me every day.
You can do this. You know we have had this discussion before about the drinking and our exes similarities. How do you do leave? You just put on blinders and forge forward. I don't think there is any other way, in my opinion. You can't think clearly in the midst of the situation. You need to do whatever it takes to get out and let your head clear. And then you two can decide how to do the rest of it. But you need to get away from him for a while. Even while I was buying my house, I was so unsure of what I was doing. But I did it because I had to preserve myself, my sanity. I just went through the motions of making it happen. And eventually my heart caught up and I figured out how to do the rest of it, especially the emotional parts of it (even if I have been having very strange and disturbing dreams and thoughts the last few days! ::))
I know this probably makes no sense, but the best I can tell you is JUST DO IT. Perhaps get a Nike shirt that says that!?!?!?! ;D Give yourself some of your own space to think and I think the rest of your decisions will become much clearer.
HTH,
Amy
