Re:I don't understand men. heelblue: My two cents:
1) I am pretty direct on this one. I call if I tell them I will. I don't like to be strung along so I treat others how I would want to be treated.
2) I don't know that I have gone through too much of this one...like I said in #1...I am upfront on how I feel.
3) The first turn off would be if she wants to move too fast. Been down that road....learned from it.
4) no preference
5) Trust in any relationship should be earned. There are different circumstances surrounding every "cheat". It would be something we would have to talk about and find out why, and what was learned from the mistake.
Re:I don't understand men. Minnie4987: 1. well I never say "I will call you, because I am the girl, and a little old fashioned. I think its the man's job to call the woman, at least in the beginning.
2. It depends on the situation. I just try to remember that just because you want something does not mean the other person wants the same.
3. If he has a wandering eye!!! Or a lot of female "friends"
4. I like them tall, dark, and handsome
5. Probably not, you know the saying "once a cheater, always a cheater"...I guess if it was a while ago, and they had a reason other than "the grass is always greener" then I may be able to trust them. But, I could not trust them for sure if they cheated on their partner to be with me.
Re:I don't understand men. justmenow: Ok, I started this, so I'll answer my own questions:
1. If I don't intend to call/email/see this person anymore, I will honestly tell them. Gently, of course, because I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. I always try to start with the positive to leave the person feeling good about themselves at least (unless they truly are the jerk from He!!)
2. Although I FEEL like a stalker when contacting someone who never returns my phonecalls or emails, I think I have every right to do so if he hasn't been honest with me. If he doesn't want me contacting him, just say so. Stop hiding and being a coward. I am an adult and have handled worse disappointments than this so get over yourself.
3. The first thing that would turn me off is arrogance, but on the other hand insecurity is not terribly attractive either. I like my men to be manly, but not overly so and yet I don't want them to be more emotional than me either. I also don't like guys that pretend to be something their not because they think I want them to act a certain way.
4. Well, I'll give anyone a chance, but I must say that tall dark and handsome strikes me right away before they even say anything.
5. Based on my past with my cheating X and my HUGE trust issues, I honestly would be hesitant to date someone that had cheated on an X, regardless of the situation.
Thanks to everyone for being so honest. Didn't mean to offend anyone by targeting guys, but since I AM a woman and have a lot of woman friends, I was curious to hear the male point of view on the subject.
Re:I don't understand men. Jernigan: In my experience, none of these phenomena or conerns are at all gender-specific; I have had women tell me plenty of times they were going to call, and they never did. But I'll answer some of these questions, as honestly as possible. I don't think my answers will seem as magnanimous as those already posted, but oh well.
1. Because it's easier that way, usually---it's a quick escape route, and you can skip a truly unpleasant confrontation with someone you hardly know. Who's to say how the other person is going to react? I've been on some real f-ed up dates, and sensed from the beginning that there was something not quite right about the person from the outset. Am I going to risk getting stabbed in the jugular with a butter knife? H*ll, no. Now, on the other hand, if the woman seems fairly reasonable, then perhaps candor is the best approach, but civil candor. I've been on the receiving end of some very harsh criticism when I pressed---delicately---for the truth. "It's cool," I said. "Would you like to go out with me again." "No," said the woman cooly. "Oh really," I said, surprised, because I'd been under the impression the date went fairly smoothly. "Why not?" "I don't like the way you look," she said. Now, I would have PREFERRED no call over that. Some people, in the uncooth day and age, are ill-equipped to level with a person tactfully. At the end of the day, these are only people we're dating. Yes, it's important to be humane, but silence IS an answer of a sort---is it not?
2. Yes, I consider her unable to take a hint. Boy, this sounds nasty, doesn't it? But if a woman is calling 2 months into our not being in contact, I feel slightly alarmed. AT that point, I would probably pick up the phone and shoot straight from the hip, out of sheer horror and frustration. On the other hand, it depends what the persistence is about. I'm always up to making new friends, but if her persistence is of the "call me, you m-fer" variety, at that point I have to assess her sanity. My rule of thumb: after three unreturned calls or messages, I drop off the face of the earth. Life's too short.
3. Stupidity.
4. Brunettes, typically, but it depends. If we're speaking in terms of sheer aesthetics, we all have our preferences, I think, whether we admit it or not. Intelligence, grace, eloquence and wit are big turn ons for me, but so is a handsomely and black- dressed brunette, tall and slim, with Irish skin---cosmopolitan and just slightly spooky. I'm just being honest. If she has no personality, forget it though.
5. Never.
Re:I don't understand men. finney5: Another from a female point of view:
1) I too am from the old-school, in that, I would prefer he called me.. but I don't like to give out my phone #. I actually count my divorce as a blessing at this point in time. I can fall back on it as an excuse when asked if I would like to call/be called by a guy. (you know, I'm in a wierd place right now.. Not ready to get into a new relationship.. etc.--it's a copout, but hopefully it doesn't hurt feelings as badly)
2) I was stalked for a summer, it was wierd this guy would just magically start working at the same places that I was working and he even went so far as to join a workshop that I was in later on in the year. The freaky part is that I don't know how he managed to find out where I was going and what I was doing. I don't see a problem with a phone call after a week or two. I'm a bit paranoid of being thought stalkerish, so I'll only call once and leave one message. If I don't hear anything back, I'll call it quits.
3) turnoff: closed mindedness. I don't want to hear about how you hate everything. I want to know what you like. Immaturity. DISHONESTY
4) I like tall and handsome. I thought I like dark haired guys, but I always end up dating blondes. hmm..
5) Having had my stbx leave me for another woman, I don't think I'd feel comfortable dating someone who's done that to someone else.
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