allowed the abuse?? notmyself: i am writing this after reading the thread 'why do i blame myself?' and the responses. i think it is such a shame that in this world of resources that we all still allowed ourselves to be abused as we were. i was always the one who when i heard of a story where a woman was being victimized i rose to the cause, outraged. then now i realize i was the victim and i allowed myself to be repeatedly tore down by this man that i thought i knew. i can't count the number of harsh and horrible things he said to me. to say that he was verbally and emotionally abusive sounds like so much to me. i find myself saying it wasn't that bad, that he was always sorry afterwards, etc. i remember one time i called him a hypocrite and he shoved me up against a wall. i remember one time we were arguing and he threw scissors at me and grabbed me. i was abused by him and i allowed him to. does that mean i am to blame also? he told me that he would never marry 'someone like me', that he didn't understand how my ex-boyfriends put up with me, that he would never have kids 'with someone like me', that i nagged too much, that i said that i didn't feel good because i didn't want him to have a good time. (by the way i am actually sick, i just didn't know at the time) he tore my self esteem down so much that i struggle all the time. i feel so unloveable. like why would someone want to bother wasting their time on me? obviously something is wrong with me right? i am now dating again and i know i will end up sabotaging this new relationship. i thought i was past all of this and now i am here again. how do we heal from these wounds that go so deep? how do we survive when we feel so broken? i would have rather him hit me, than i could have fought back. i stayed to prove that he was wrong, that he could be with someone like me. he still left. i will work through this, but it just seems impossible.
Re:allowed the abuse?? justmenow: No, no, NO! Nothing is wrong with you. :o People like your X, for some sick reason, have to tear normal people down in order to build themselves up and make themselves more important. This has nothing to do with you and everything to do with that sorry, loser, pr!ck that you married. You most certainly deserve happiness, respect and support as much as the next person and don't even believe his lies for one second - then he has won. Let him go live his sorry, pathetic existance somewhere else and don't look back.
That physical abuse thing just makes my blood boil. There is never an occasion that should warrant physical abuse (unless somebody hits you first). My X knew that if he ever hit me, I'd kick his @ss right back. I certainly hope you have going to the police with this one or he will just think he can use you as his personal punching bag. I wish you strength.
Re:allowed the abuse?? notmyself: JMN,
justed wanted to let you know that stbx and i are definitely not together, and i can't see bf ever doing anything like that. i promise if he does than i will kick his @ss. :) thanks for your response.
Re:allowed the abuse?? disillusioned: Ur post really hit home...NEVER EVER think u deserved it, thats just what I am going thru now as well and bit by bit I am coming out of that shell he stuffed me into...
I felt vulnerable when I was with him as well and my self esteem also went down to zilch...Feeling low and unhappy is not how one should feel in a union... There are times in which I ask myself if I had done such and such a thing differently would he have reacted differently and in the end it all boils down to one thing...when I did not abuse him in anyway why did he do it to me?
In the end now that ur on ur own do things that make u happy...u don't have to worry abt his reactions anymore... ;)
Re:allowed the abuse?? SecondChance: All of the posts on this thread completely ring true with me. Disillusioned, I know how you feel about being "stuffed in a shell." I feel the same way. I went dead inside after being worn down by the screaming and name calling. I became so tired while trying to prove I loved him by being the "perfect wife." But nothing I did could prevent the outbursts. A few months before I moved out, he was starting go get in my personal space and subtly push me out of his way, so I know his behavior was just getting more violent and I am relieved to have gotten out of the situation.
However, I still feel guilty and blame myself from time to time. Early in the marriage, I knew his behavior wasn't my fault. He never acted like that in the 3 years we dated and at first I attributed it to newlywed stress. But over time, he kept blaming me for his behavior and I started to believe him.
Right now I just feel like I've been had. My stbx was the nicest person in the world before we got married and then he became this horrible monster right after the wedding. It makes me wonder if he hated me all along and waited until after we were married to be truthful. It was such a Jekyll and Hyde situation and my trust in people is really shaken now.
