Re:What do you make of this?? LicoriceWhip: I had a situation that somewhat follows what you are experiencing.
My stbxw left me last year. A few months after that, her father had a tremendous fall out of a deer stand and crunched his arm resulting in some hefty breakage. It laid him up for quite some time. Now, in the meantime, my stbxw and I were in the process of us attempting to reconcile (feel free to read old posts of mine which make known what her plans for that time really were). During that time, I only mentioned anything beyond us, such as her family, in small talk and rarely volunteered up such conversation.
She interpretted my reaction to the incident as shallow and uncaring. I was going out of my way to be cordial and reserved in all non-reconciliation conversation, and not making conversation where I was uncomfortable or obviously not an authority (in this instance, I had no knowledge of the incident other than a single sentence telling me what happened). Plus, the area of her parents had become extremely volatile as they had assisted her leaving me, including supporting the secrecy with which it was pulled off. So, not talking about them was a positive thing. Our histories clashed on other things as well which also frothed into a head at this time. Keeping my mouth shut was the best thing (that I could think of!). I was also not going to bubble condolences and "send him my best" as that, I know for a fact, would have been interpretted as obvious and seemingly insincere.
In your situation, use caution; if you want to maintain that relationship, you will have to deal with your stbxw. The rift between you and your stbxw was extended to her family no matter how unintentional it may have been, and, they will likely not abandon her which may lead to them abandon you. If they are understanding people, they must understand if you don't show. Beyond that, my opinion is for you to guage it to the level of the relationship you had with the deceased and do your best to maintain composure in the situation.
LW
Re:What do you make of this?? brynne: I think you should explain to your ex that you're not comfortable being around her family. But that was your brother-in-law so I think you owe it to the deceased person to at least send flowers. I attend my grandfather's funeral last year & my father's ex-wife came, they have been divorced for 30 years & had no children together, so I think you have to do what feels right to you. Will you feel guilty for not going ? If so you probably should go. If you are still on decent terms w/ your ex then you should go & show you're support.
Hope
Re:What do you make of this?? JASPER: I agree with Hope on this one I think if you dont go you should at least send flowers.
You need to do whats best for you and if your not ready I wouldn't force it you have no obligation to the family anymore so whatever you decide to is your decision and you shouldn't feel bad about it.
I would just explain the situation to them as you cant get the time off fom work and leave it at that.
Re:What do you make of this?? justmenow: I don't know. I gotta disagree with you all on this (going out on my favorite limb here...) First of all, were you close to the brother at all? If you were, then, like any good friend, you might want to go to the funeral. However if you didn't know him that well or didn't get along, then it's your call.
If you're just separated, then they're not techincally your ex yet and it's my opinion that you're still part of the family. Losing one's brother is so difficult (at least would be in my family), and even as a friend I would be there to support in any way I could. However, if you were divorced and it was your Ex, then that's a different set of rules altogether.
Just my two cents.
Re:What do you make of this?? barelybreathing: You have to measure the relationship you have/had with her family and most importantly the relationship you had with her brother.
You are paying respects to her brother's life. This is not about you. Her. Or your marriage. This is about a man's life and honoring the life he had.
Death is no time for personal animosities.
BB
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