Re:Need a little advice JimB: My friends are people who I never have to worry about their motives for their actions. Nor do I ever have to worry about overanalyzing any situation that involves my friendship with them. In short, people who create more stress than they relieve are not my friends.
I do have friends who I've been romantically involved with, but in most of those cases, there was a period of noncommunication right after the romance ended. We only became friends when we sort of gravitated back to one another - when we were able to forgive each other, and one of us made a conscious effort to bridge the gap.
I wouldn't go so far as to say you can never be friends with her, but it's unlikely in the short term. As you say, there's been a lot of pain and suffering. If you can't forgive her, what kind of friend are you for her? It sounds like friendship isn't really the goal here, for either of you - you're both clinging to something else that is gone.
Just my two cents.
Re:Need a little advice niceguy: Update...
I went out with her on Sunday. We went to lunch and some shopping. I felt very uncomfortable. She was acting too friendly too me. So I went home confused. She called me a lot that morning before going. Then later she calls me after we get home asking about divorce paper work. So I was very confused. What the heck is going on. Well I decide to lay low. Don't do anything.
A few days later a letter in the mail...says she is sorry for calling about divorce paperwork she didn't want me to think she had a bad time. Also she talked about how much guilt she is carrying around for ruining my life. She says I will never know how sorry she is for that. So again I decide to avoid for the time being.
Tonight we talked. Man was it hard. She was coming for me to somehow relieve her guilt. I was so tempted to tell her everything was ok... I had to really fight to remember myself in the conversation. I told her she needed to talk to a therapist. I was the wrong person to relieve her guilt. She also said that she really missed us and wanted to be my friend..us to be best friends, but not be intimate. I said I couldn't...I tried and tried to convince her to seek help, but she won't. She said she wishes I could move on so she could feel some burden lifted.
One thing she did finally come clean partially on tonight was her "date" a few days after her telling me she wanted a divorce. I feel somewhat better to have her say that. She says she still sees this person as a friend, but also that and I quote "you are so much better of a person than he is" She wishes we could still have a close relationship that doesn't involve intimacey.
I'm sorry that I am all over the place here, but.... another thing we talked about was the relationship that I had been in since the split which has also ended. She said she wishes that I had found lasting happiness in that so that she could feel less burden. I was honest and said that I had found someone really special (something I thought would never happen again) but that there are many things that I need to resolve in myself to be happy in me.
I'm so confused right now. I'm scared. :'(
Well this probably made no sense since I've been rambling like crazy. Thanks for listening everyone.
Re:Need a little advice inebr: Hey Niceguy,
Sounds to me that you're doing great. You realize what's going on and you're not "playing" into it. If you're not in a relationship now and if maybe you're feeling a little bit lonely, remember that so when you talk to her you don't act on those feelings . You've come such a long way.
OK, she wants a friendship, no intimacy. BUT you realize too that she's trying to relieve herself of this guilt she's carrying around. GOOD JOB on directing her to therapy for that, that's NOT your department. IMO I think you should really consider this friend thing. It doesn't seem right from what you've said. It doesn't seem like she's in the right place to offer to you what you deserve from a true friendship. It seems she needs to come to terms with these decisions she's made for her life.
Ugh, keep on keepin on. I can imagine how hard this can be but really, you sound like you're thinking things through clearly.
Re:Need a little advice justmenow: Ditto to what inebr said - she's right on the mark.
Re:Need a little advice Safetykc: Double ditto. Me STBX is pulling the whole we have so much to offer each other as friends things too. And talking to me about her relationship with the OM. I think both our X's want to feel less guilty...and who wouldn't?? But that is her cross to bear, not yours. My STBXwould need some serious help before I could ever consider that. And she wasy she doesn't have the money or time for counseling. :( oh well. Even then, the same reasons why we can't trust them as a spouse would also be there in a friendship. IMO Even though I miss her like gangbusters I couldn't imagine going from the intimacy we had as spouses to simply friends. Discussing your current and recent relationships?. Could you really be just a friend and here her talk about another man??? It would drive me nuts. Not sure how you hanle that, niceguy. I know you are hurting right now and missing her, but try to think about what is best for you long term. I know it is hard and I break down too sometimes and talk to my STBX as a friend, and I always feel worse because I want more. Maybe that would change someday, but its way too soon now to just be "buds" if ever....Take care and you are not alone.
Click More for the next page.
