the sour and the sweet maddiesilver: Hi everyone,
I am new here and I need support. I guess we all share some common feelings in our journeys through breakup and the aftermath...any words of wisdom or encouragement would be welcome.
I feel like a wreck.
I was married for 10 yrs to a man who is 9 yrs older than i am. I had chosen him for the wrong reasons: mostly, I was hurt and scared and very insecure, and he seemed stable and reliable and like someone who would not hurt me.
We had 2 wonderful kids, but along the way, he withdrew more and more, and totally shut me out. I felt like a piece of furniture in our house. He would never speak to me, hold my hand, show any tenderness whatsoever. It was like living in an emotional desert. I was sad all the time, and feeling like a loser.
Every Saturday night, this guy expected me to have sex with him, despite the fact that we had zero emotional connection.
We went for counselling for months. He was very impatient, always saying that *I* was the problem and should find a way to *fix* myself so we could carry on with our married life.
Yet he never looked at me, never acknowledged me in any way.
I was starved for love.
I left him, and spent months feeling horrible about my decision. The kids were hurting, I was hurting and feeling terribly guilty.
That was 3 years ago.
We are still not divorced, though we have been separated for 3 years. I have given up most of the financial claims and rights i had, in an attempt to finally be free of my ex. He continues to stalk me, seek me out, and treat me like total crap, esp. in front of the kids.
Meanwhile, i have met a great guy, and am completely in love. My new love is a great, wonderful, affectionate, passionate, romantic guy. I absolutely adore him. We have been together for more than a year now.
The catch? my new love lives in another province, about 500 miles away. I travel to see him, and he comes to visit me, as often as possible, but the long-distance thing is killing me.
My kids love him, but I cannot move to his town. The kids want to see their dad, who lives here in my town, and i don't want to deprive them of their father, even though I wonder about my ex's mental health and his abusive behaviour towards me.
My new guy has kids of his own, and to move here with me, he'd have to give up seeing his kids, which i don't want him to do.
A recipe for disaster, right? The thing is that I am convinced this new guy and I are made for each other. he is the guy I should have married. he keeps telling me to be patient and trust that we will find a way to be together....but i get very discouraged.
here I have finally found the love I always wanted and needed, and i cannot have a "real" life with the guy i love!
and meanwhile, my ex is waging war on me, esp. now that he knows I have found someone who loves me and treats me right. he is very jealous and possessive, even though we have been living apart for 3 years and he has had a GF for 2 yrs!
His constant harassment and insulting behaviour is really getting me down.
Any advice?
Any thoughts?
I am feeling very low and discouraged.
I'd love to hear from anyone out there.
Thanks for listening....
Re:the sour and the sweet tyrogers: PM me.
BBH-Tyleena ("Ty")
Way Down South in 'Bama
Re:the sour and the sweet Chey: Hi Maddie (she of the pretty earrings right? :) )
First off and officially, welcome to Ojar....you gave yourself away as a Canuck when you said "Province" :) Which one are you in, and which one is the b/f in?
It sounds like your husband actually has you right where he wants you. Is there any chance you can make things official and actually divorce him? I think it would do both of you the world of good to cut each other lose from that tie. It might not seem like a big deal but he's still acting like he's "allowed" to have any say in what is going on. Also, I wonder...what kind of father is he?
You are definetly in a challenging situation, but not impossible. I think your b'f is right, with patience and some careful planning, this might not be impossible. Perhaps get all your ducks in a row first (divorce, finances etc), then a solution might present itself.
Maybe shift your priority to worrying about cutting lose and closing one relationship before you open the window completely on the next, hence why you have been given this time?
Best of luck Maddie, I hope it goes well,
Chey
Re:the sour and the sweet sheydp: Can I ask, how much DOES their daddy see them? Is he a good daddy - or is he using them to keep you around? It sounds like he and the kids love each other, so I agree, taking them away forever is not right, but moving away is not taking them away, it is changing the availability - you can work out visitations... I agree with Chey though - start with the divorce. Perhaps visitation can be set that way. Let us know how it works!
Re:the sour and the sweet maddiesilver: What you both said is very wise indeed.
There is no question that I need to close the book on my failed marriage to a very controlling guy who continues to assert his influence over me...
i have a good lawyer, and I am looking to have the divorce final by this coming fall....(crossed fingers and toes)....part of the problem is that my ex has stalled the process at every turn...HE does NOT, yet accept the breakup, and it is weighing on me to sense his continued anger abd bitterness towards me...
But you are right...perhaps that is why I have this time, now, to set things straight in my life...
And, is he a good dad? I honestly wonder...I used to be convinced that, regardless of his issues with me, he was a good father to my boys...but as they get older (my oldest is 11) and my ex's behaviour continues to suck, I wonder what kind of an example he is setting..also, the guy is miserably unhappy most of the time, and that cannot be fun for them.
recently, my oldest son was asking me why don't I get married to my b/f, and wouldn't it be great to live with b/f, etc...I think he craves the normalcy we would have all together, with a guy who treats me well and clearly makes me happy...
Anyway...all in good time, I guess...
I AM a Canuck, born and raised: a hockey fanatic, winter survivor, and French-speaking, too...both of my kids play minor hockey, and I volunteer here with our minor hockey teams.
I live on the North shore of Montreal (province of Quebec) and my b/f lives in Ontario, west of Toronto...
I spend a LOT of time on the Montreal-Toronto train, i can tell you! But he is originally from Halifax: a Maritimer hottie!
Thank you for your responses...they have given me some good stuff to think about...
(p.s.: yes, i am she of the earrings!)
