ex takes baby for 1st time butterfly: Hi, after 16 years together (since high school) my hubby tells me one morning that he and my best friend are in love. Our kids were 5,2 and 14 wks. She left her kids and baby and they moved in together. It has been nearly a year now and I am doing really well on the whole with some hard bits, but it has been a fairly awful time. He sees the older two tues & fri 6-8 and sat at 10 picks them up till he's had enough, sometimes 1/2 hr sometimes all day. This weekend he's taking the baby, now 15months for the first time. Have other people had this? Toby is my baby, barely knows his dad. I am ok with him going, it has been my decision and I've set out the conditions but it still doesn't feel great and it will be hard when he's gone. He's had lots of health problems and he's hardly been away from me 24hrs a day. And when I see my ex gooing over him which he has started to do lately I get so angry!!! So... is there anyone in the same boat?
Re:ex takes baby for 1st time inebr: Butterfly,
I'm not in the same boat ....but this must be very a difficult situation. It's good that you've set conditions for this visit with your son and I'm sure it's hard to see him out of your hands for the weekend, given the little guy has had health problems and all. BUT, regardless of the not-so-enlightened things your ex has done (don't know details but guessing from the few things you have posted) he is an adult and will be able to handle a situation if one should come up ...if not, I'm sure you wouldn't have agreed to this visit. Plan to do some nice things for you this weekend and try to enjoy some time for you.
Re:ex takes baby for 1st time DaisyGarden: Well, I'm not in the exact same boat, but kind of. My s2bx is in the miliatry, and he barely knows our 3yr. old daughter. Part of that is my fault and part of it is his fault. Either way, he pays support (didn't always, but I forced it through the army), and so he does get to see her. He still hasn't done this by himself yet, as our divorce isn't over yet. In our (my lawyer and I) paperwork to him we gave him Mon.-Friday 9am 8pm. I have her weekends, and this goes on for 2 weeks while he is home on leave. The first 2 days he has to get reaquainted with her at my house (he'll love that! ;D ).
It breaks my heart to have to hand her over. He doesn't have anywhere to take her while he is home except his parents house. Their are 8 kids in that house (s2bx is one of 10 kids), it is a mad house. They are always getting hurt, because older kids are watching younger kids, and their has even been a sexual assult in the house. My s2bx's older brother raped one of the sisters! This was all before I met s2bx. And he is in jail. But, the fact is that s2bx gets to have visitation.
He was last home Sept 14-17 (before that the last time he saw her was Nov. 2002), and EVERYDAY he took her to Mcdonalds, EVERYDAY the park, EVERYDAY shopping. I was there the whole time, and even though it makes me mad that he thinks that's how you parent, at least she wasn't over at his parents. :-\
Gosh, it's hard wen the time is split isn't it! I'm lucky because I only have to deal with it, a couple times a year (if that, now that he's going to Germany).
Good luck!
Re:ex takes baby for 1st time butterfly: thank you for answering. Would you believe that when he came to get the kids I had really bad gastro and was grateful to be able to sleep!! I actually went to hospital later that day and had to ask my s2bx to help my mum with the kids so he had an extra visit to bring him to the hospital for a breastfeed, he than ried to keep toby and take him home but luckily my mum stood firm. He sat by the bed and chatted happily with me looking like perfect dad and then dropped them off and went home to her, it's funny the things that still get to you. You didn't say in your reply how your little girl feels about the visits, is she happy to go? I dread the day mine aren't, though I don't think he'd make them. thanks for answering, I guess the worst, the first time is over, we'll see what next weekend brings!!
Re:ex takes baby for 1st time Anna: Hi-
I'm sorry you are having to go through this. Our stories have a LOT of similarites. My ex H left me for my old best friend when I was pregnant with our third. She left her two boys (ages 2 and 7 at the time) and they moved in together, marrying 4 days after our divorce was final. My daughters (who were 2 and 4 when he left) remembered him as their father and were somewhat used to him, and I didn't have as hard of a time letting them go as I did the baby. He didn't go on overnights until he was almost 2, but just the thought of OW and ex H pretending to be parents to MY baby sent me into sobbing fits. I kept thinking "He is MINE. You weren't there when I was pregnant with him, you weren't there when I had him, why should you get to pretend you are a good father!"
But like everything that came with this divorce I wasn't prepared for, I got used to them going. My kids enjoy going to their dad's 4 days a month for the most part. My son (2) has at touch of separation anxiety, but I think that is only natural since I stay at home and we don't separate all that often. I secretly feel a bit avenged when the kids say they want to come home, but I also know it is best for them to enjoy spending time with their father, and I want them to be happy most of all.
My heart aches for you. It will get easier, and you will start enjoying the time for just you. You definitely have earned it! I recently realized I was feeling guilty for enjoying my 4 days of freedom, but then I told myself that I can't change the fact that they have to be gone, so I can at least enjoy it, which is what I am doing.
I also took my children to a family therapist. They were only 4 and 2, but even at that age they were able to discuss things and work through fears they had with the very capable therapist. He also helped me a lot with the switch to single parenting and some practical ideas for discipline, etc. Good luck!!!
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