Re:ex takes baby for 1st time butterfly: Hi, wow, it's amazing to find someone in a similar situation, surely there can't be that many of us! I have the same feelings about them playing with my baby. My friend was at his birth with my husband and I as my support person as I had a homebirth and I find it difficult to think of that yet. I just keep thinking how can she look at him and play with him and not think of his birth and ME. What is wrong with her head? and why didn't I know it? I had asked that she not be there the first few visits but of course he 'forgot' this, but I guess it's better to start off as it's going to be. The kids came home on Fri saying daddy was angry that he couldn't keep toby longer, I keep worrying that maybe he just won't bring him back on time, have you had this? Can I ask to how are your kids with her? Do they remember her as your friend? I find it difficult that even though the kids know there is something wrong with all this that they are still happy to see her, and come with karen did this, karen said that. Does it get easier to think of them together? I find that I still get really angry when I think of times we socialised together, and the times when I had her do things with my s2bx and family on weekends when her hubby was away working. How did/do you get past that to not cariung anymore?
Re:ex takes baby for 1st time Anna: It is really hard to not care anymore. You and I have been doubly betrayed - by our exes and by our ex friends. I think having the history behind it makes it so much harder. My oldest daughter remembers when J and her H were our closest friends, not her daddy's new wife. She knows that Daddy decided he wanted to be married to J because she makes him happy (his words) and she knows Daddy left our marriage. She doesn't understand (and I'm glad at this point) that J was an OW, but she knows it isn't right to leave your family. She loves J, (and did before all this, I think) and used to say she wishes J and I were still friends. All I would say when she asked was that "J and mommy used to be friends, but now we aren't" without saying why or how. She and her stepbrother (my Godson!) have compared notes, and she discovered that his father doesn't like his dad.
At first I couldn't get past the thoughts of them, and the thoughts of how STUPID I was to plan all these events with them. They would set things up too, and her husband and I would be happy we were all being so social. DUH! Really, all that helps is time. Once my children's therapist suggested that if I was still dealing with emotions about her, I should write her a letter. (not to be sent) I did, but found it was becoming less relevant.
We communicate every once in a while about the children, but our tones are civil and professional, and there is no pretending there is still a friendship there. What isn't there is hate on my part anymore. I feel sorry for someone who abandoned her sons for my ex H. No one is worth that, especially someone who left his own family. She is not a happy person, and it shows. She is pretty and skinny and successful, yet she is still unhappy. Hmmm, wonder why.
Time is the big healer, I promise. I'll never wish wonderful things to come her way, and I'll never think she is a good person, but she doesn't bother me anymore. My kids love her, and although I think she is a selfish, take the easy way out in every situation kind of stepmother, I know she isn't abusive. One of the only issues we had before the whole affair was that she knew I didn't think she was a good mother. I'm sorry, but she wasn't. I didn't say anything, but my actions and hers were so different that it was obvious even to her.
You'll make it through this just fine, I know. Good luck!
Re:ex takes baby for 1st time butterfly: thank you so much for writing back. It really helps to know of some one in the same situation. I have been going really well in general but i think that I'm now up to dealing with her side of it. I have been feeling angry and remembering stuff but everything you said helped alot. I find the whole doubly rejected issue hard at the moment, and am struggling with how I feel about myself. Thanks again for answering, it helped.
Re:ex takes baby for 1st time DaisyGarden: [quote author=butterfly link=board=1;threadid=1052;start=0#msg7054 date=1065048740">
You didn't say in your reply how your little girl feels about the visits, is she happy to go? [/quote">
Well, she hasn't gone with him alone yet. I'm always there. Yes, it is uncomfortable, but it's also very familier. When s2bx isn't around I'm always keeping his 'memory' alive with my daughter. My family actually said I shouldn't have to build their relationship, but that he should. If that were the case she wouldn't know him at all, and would be scared to go with him. She is very comfortable with him, and hugs and kisses him the whole time. And then when he leaves, he's gone for months! It breaks my heart. Now , he is being stationed in Germany and will be home once a year. :-\
Re:ex takes baby for 1st time butterfly: hi daisygarden, i think that you are doing the right thing with your daughter because how much worse will it be if she doesn't want to go and you know when she is older she will appreciate what you have done. I have had moments i know where i haven't dealt with it very well with the kids, when i'm hurting so much i'm not as careful with what i say but now i just think to myself that it (my restraint and being interested in what they tell me about daddy and ow) is like a present for my kids and then i find it is easier. Fam,ilies don't have the same perspective even when they are close. bye
