My Story (in brief) Advice Needed ShesLeavingHome: I can't believe I'm here. I'm very scared and confused. Here's my story and I look forward to any advice you have to offer.
I am 30 years old and the mother of a 2.5 year old. I have been married since 1997. My husband and I have been drifting further and further apart for several years now. We want different things now and have different aspirations for the future.
No matter what I do it's not enough or wrong. There is no one single outstanding issue. There is no cheating or physical abuse. Emotionally is where things have fallen apart. I don't have any friends outside of his family and friends. He has called me a whore on more than one occasion and I'm not cheating or even close to it.
We completely disagree on how to handle our daughter in alot of ways and of course I am just wrong. He downplays everything he doesn't do and overplays everything he does. For example when I was home with our colic riddled infant, nursing and recovering he said more than once how much easier it would be to do what I was doing instead of going to work. He is ever the martyr and I am ever the slacker.
I have discussed these things with him on numerous occasions and it always ends with him telling me he's heard enough and to leave him alone and just leave him and my daughter since that is obviously what I want.
He does not support anything I want to do for any amount of time. When I started getting interested in school he said I should just go off somewhere and live in a dorm and party if thats what I want.
When I became interested in a band (for the first time in many years) and wanted to go see them play I just wanted to run off with a bunch of drunken band members.
My failed attempts to engage him in any real productive adult conversation have lead me to pull further and futher away emotionally. Our arguments have become more frequent and my daughter has started to tell us to shut up or stop it when they erupt in her presence.
As I said, this has been going on for several years and I have been in serious debate mode for more than a year now. Truth be told, were it not for my daughter I would have left already. But at this point I don't see how it is benefiting her for the relationship to continue. My time with her is always better when he's not around because I can actually parent her without being parented or overridden by my husband.
My nerves are getting worse and my hands shake most of the time. I don't eat nearly enough (not a disorder just not hungry from nerves). I cry random little mini cries all day long and have taken to carrying Visine with me to 'get the red out' as needed. I hate coming home because sometimes the yelling begins before I even walk through the door.
I only get one shot at life and I feel like I'm spending it as a prisoner in a cell I have permitted myself to be held captive in.
It's not all terrible but more often more now more things are worse than better. I think we are just becoming different people and in my mind there is no blame only difference. I think its OK for him to feel differently than I do but he does not feel that way about me. In his mind, it seems, if it's not in check with how he feels that moment its wrong. And there must always be blame assigned, not matter how big or small the issue, and that blame will not be assigned to him under any circumstance.
I know there is more to this than I have presented here but I have to start somewhere. I don't want to end my marriage in haste or without careful consideration but I find myself always returning to the same conclusion-I can't take this anymore and I'm crazy to be here.
Lost, confused and lonely...Please comment.
Re:My Story (in brief) Advice Needed lookin4alite: Hello ShesLeaving,
First Welcome to Ojar, we are a small connected community of people whom had and are having many different relationship issues. The people on here are fantastic each in their own way.
I am of course gonna recommend that you seek our professional marriage counselling but based on what you have told us, I assume he will tell you he has no need for counselling since he feels all the issues are yours. However Marriage and Parenting is a two way street and he must own up to his responsibilities.
Please come here and you will receive the support you need.
Take Care
Lite
Re:My Story (in brief) Advice Needed teacherwriterguy: Seconding the advice you just got - counseling!
He may not understand how serious this has become for you. Or he may know how serious it is but be so panicked that all he can say is, "So leave already!" because he's scared that you will do just that.
The longer you wait, the more you guys are going to hurt each other without a mediator to help you stop the bleeding.
I'm sorry it's come to this for you - we're here to listen and comment and support. Keep talkin'! :)
twg
Re:My Story (in brief) Advice Needed brighteyes: :)
Hi, I just want you to know that you are not alone. I am going through my second divorce in 5 years. My first husband and I never had any big problems, we just married too young and grew apart. During my emotional divorce from him another man came into my life through a mutual friend. He was very forceful in his pursuit of me and it made me feel really wanted for the first time in years. I had a son who is now eight from my first marriage and I thought everything would be ok, so two years ago we married. My new husband proceeded to let me know right away that nothing my son or I could do was right. He sounds a lot like your husband in that he only felt good about himself when he was cutting us down. His ways were all the right ways of doing things and we just could not cut the mustard. He constantly bragged on himself for everything little thing he did, yet belittled my hard work and my son's efforts to love him and make him proud. I have always made more money than him and I think that just made things worse. Through a lot of therapy I have learned that some people with serious insecurity issues feel the need to take everyone around them down in order to feel good about themselves. I tried to get my husband to go to counseling and he refused saying that I would never change to meet his needs. He left suddenly a few weeks ago and I have been fighting a lot of emotions. I know that this is for the best because he did not want us to get help. I would say that if your husband is willing to go see someone, even a pastor and try to talk things out with a mediator, then there is hope. If he refuses and puts all of the issues on you, then you need to move on with your life for your daughters sake. You don't want her growing up thinking that this is normal for a person to treat another person that way. I think if people are willing to work at it and admit they have faults then anything is possible, but it takes more than one person to fix a marriage. Both of you have to be willing. Trust me, it hurts when the other person is not willing to try, but I know I'll be better off in the long run and so will my son. Good luck, and God bless.
Re:My Story (in brief) Advice Needed ShesLeavingHome: First I want to thank all who replied. I read all of your posts and appreicate your advice and welcoming words.
Update as follows: I broke it all down for him again. I told him I felt like we might be better splitting for all of our sakes. He isn't happy, I'm not happy and our daughter is confused and upset by our inability to work things out like mature adults.
He wants to try to make it work. My fear: I've heard it before. I believe he loves me, I do. But we just don't get along at all. He says he will change but doesn't say how. He did say though that I will have to remind him whenever he is acting such that I am bothered by it (that doesn't sound right but I can't think of the right way to say it). I reminded him that I do point out what bothers me but he routinely dismisses me and I point that out too.
He also doesn't like change and does anything he can to avoid it. And he loves our house and in our area of the country either of us buying on own would be next to impossible. Plus he's a very private person and shares none of our marital discourse with his friends and I mean that in a bad way. He doesn't seek outstide opinions or support. A separation or divorce would be a public embarassment and sign of failure for him.
I honestly don't know how too feel. He left me feeling so alienated that I resolved essentially to start my transition into life without him and now all of the sudden he want's to change. I love him but I just don't know what the future holds. I do know what the past has held time and time again.
I have been reading alot of posts here and I know I am on the other side of the fence from alot of you. Please understand I am not a selfish person. Believe me, the selfish me would have up and gone a long time ago. I'm struggling every moment of everyday to figure out what's right and what's wrong...
Thanks for listening and thanks for the input:)
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