Re:My Story (in brief) Advice Needed AmyMarie1972: Hi SLH,
Towrads the end of my relationship things went the same way as yours. Nothing that I did was right and I really tried everything.
I understand and appreciate your views on seeking help from a third party, but what else is left that you can do. If things are left the way that they are then the marriage I feel will soon be over.
Do you want to save the marriage for your sake not for your daughter. My ex asked me a month before he left if I could have one wish what would it be. I said for things to get better between us and for everything to be as it was. He agreed with that wish and we both said that we would try and change. Problem was that all the underlying problems were always still there, never resolved. Agreeing to change doesn't fix things you need a plan that you can both work to. You need to identify what went wrong before you can even begin to fix it.
My ex ended up leaving because of another woman in the end. He said that she made him feel happy.
I suggested counselling to him and he wouldn't go. I tried everything to save the marriage but it didn't work.
Counselling may work or you may still end up seperating after having spent out all that money but isn't it worth a try?
If it would have saved my marriage then it would have been worth it. And if the outcome had been him still leaving then at least i would have known that there really wasn't anything left to save.
Your call though but good luck
Amy
Re:My Story (in brief) Advice Needed abelarde: [quote author=ShesLeavingHome link=board=1;threadid=10537;start=0#msg84705 date=1114473115">
He wants to try to make it work. My fear: I've heard it before. I believe he loves me, I do. But we just don't get along at all. He says he will change but doesn't say how. He did say though that I will have to remind him whenever he is acting such that I am bothered by it (that doesn't sound right but I can't think of the right way to say it). I reminded him that I do point out what bothers me but he routinely dismisses me and I point that out too.
Thanks for listening and thanks for the input:)
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This is just my two cents but I hope you realize what he's doing here. You are suppose to remind him when he's acting like an @ss? So if for some reason you are to afraid too, you are now responsible for not telling him. Only he's responsible for his own actions. He's trying to put the blame on you. I could be wrong but that was my first impression here. I wish you the best and keep us posted.
Re:My Story (in brief) Advice Needed teacherwriterguy: [quote"> This is just my two cents but I hope you realize what he's doing here. You are suppose to remind him when he's acting like an @ss? So if for some reason you are to afraid too, you are now responsible for not telling him. [/quote">
I at least get the stbx's reaction a little bit - though I agree with you that it's unreasonable to ask her to do this.
Maybe he honestly doesn't know what he's doing wrong, or he doesn't know how to change it. I totally agree with you that it's not her responsibility to remind him each time he does something "bad" - that's no recipe for success. But I also get maybe where he's coming from - he may just feel helpless to change or not understand what's expected of him.
I know I'm a broken record - this is where having a 3rd party comes in - so that it's not all on the shoulders of the couple. There's no way one spouse should "moderate" the behavior of another.. it doesn't work and it builds resentment on both sides. But there still needs to be a way to break the stalemate...
twg
Re:My Story (in brief) Advice Needed timetobefree: Just wanted to add that although you sound dead-set against counseling, twg is right (as usual!). You are too entwined in the situation to see a way to fix it. It is impossible to think clearly in the situation you are in, and it is nearly impossible for two people who have created certain repeating patterns to change those without some outside force. Counseling will help...I can't promise that, but ask just about anyone on ojar what helped them the most (besides ojar) and they will answer counseling.
Counseling is hard. It makes you look at your faults. It makes you examine your life, the choices you make, the behaviors you repeat, etc. It is hard to admit what you have done wrong. ON THE OTHER HAND, it is so liberating to know how you can work on what you are doing wrong. It is so liberating to know there are solutions that work. And it is VERY liberating to know that you can break the cycle and are not doomed to keep doing the same thing over and over again, whether you are with him or a new husband. The chances of you repeating the same behaviors with someone new are extremely high. Not just you, any of us, unless we take this opportunity to grow and learn.
Finally, and then I won't talk about counseling anymore, check with your insurance company about your coverage for therapy. My insurance (and it is not that great) covered everything but a $10 copay for each visit. Or your/spouse's employer might have an employeed counseling option. It doesn't have to cost you lots of money, and it may actually save you from paying for a divorce, which is priceless.
Okay, off my soapbox now, take care,
Amy ;D
