Re:My Story (in brief) Advice Needed teacherwriterguy: To be honest - just getting his verbal commitment to change probably will not work. Nor can a couple, when things have gotten really bad, "fix" what's wrong by monitoring behavior and pointing out bothersome behaviors.
When communication really breaks down, the hope is that an outside observer and advocate for marriage can help you either repair what's broken or at least transition into a mutual decision to divorce.
It's not just a decision for him - it's for you too. So that you can really look and decide that you've done everything humanly possible to work at and save the marriage.
Believe me - I was one of the stubborn ones. I fought very hard thinking we could just "fix" things on our own because we were two caring, intelligent adults. Sometimes you need to involve someone else in the process to break the patterns.
I wish I'd figure that one out earlier - and hoping to save you some of the same regret.
I know it seems overwhelming and like things won't get any better - and it's possible that they won't. But don't you owe it to both of yourselves to try this one last effort and saving what was, hopefully, a loving relationship?
twg
Re:My Story (in brief) Advice Needed Dunno: Hey there and I too say welcome to ojar :) I find it's a good place to be when trying to look for solutions to problems or just do what we all do, seek advice, it's here :) You don't sound like a selfish person, you just want happiness, as we all do. Love sometimes, most times actually, isn't enough, for anyone. Life and marriage feeds on much much more, we all find out. There is no cheating ect but what I see through your words is a lot of emotional abuse to you all, including your daughter. (First, I agree, counseling ould be a first priority type deal) Even with counseling though, BOTH parties have to be willing to change, to try things differently than normal. From what I have heard in your post, he doesn't seem to be one for change, hope I am wrong? His world doesn't seem to be as upset, he is content to "adjust" feeling you should as well? Just SAYING he will try, no, this won't do it, actions DO speak louder than words. He feels things can work out, rather or not you put them in front of him, you know things are amiss, yet he continues to make you "backdown" so to speak.........let's look elsewhere, your daughter. The fact she is 2.5 and already telling her parents to shut up what have you, doesn't that say something? Please, I don't want to overstep boundaries, sorry if it seems so, just that seems so sad. I am pointing this out because I stayed with my ex at a younger agre telling myself it was best for the children, (was only three of them then), when all the while I, we, were making their lives miserable. They had to lay awake all night listening to our arguments ect, go to school tired, feeling the tension and all, was no good for them at all, my daughter turned 18 when finally she told me this, how I wish she would have all those years ago. I hope somehow this helps you alittle even, look at your child, you will know what is right to do, I am sure. I don't know which way you guys will choose to go, but whatever happens, I wish you happiness and contentment.
Good Luck
P.S. You also will find you need more than just HIS family and friends. :)
Re:My Story (in brief) Advice Needed ShesLeavingHome: Dunno: You can't over step your bounds offering your opinion to someone who has asked for it (at least I don't think). Thanks for taking the time out to give me your opinion. As it happens I agree with it. It is sad and I don't want my daughter growing up in an environment fraught with anger, resentment and unresolved (or ill-resolved) conflict. She is the main focus on my struggle over what to do.
As a child, I sat up nights with my little brother listening to my parents fighting. It sucked. What's more when they told me they were getting divorced I was not at all saddened by it. As an adult when I first looked back, I thought I would have been sooo much better off had they stayed together, as the divorce disrupted my stability at a critical age. Now though, I feel as if it was a damned if you do, damned if you don't sort of thing and that probably describes the situation for a lot of other people as well including myself.
Bottom line for me is I have to figure out what way I will be able to best insure I can stay stable and provide her a strong emotional support system in life. I want to teach her to stick to commitments and by those she loves, but not to the point where you become an emotional cripple or a third party to your own life. I must lead by example and choosing which model to present her with is proving to be a difficult one.
TWG ET. Al. re: mediator: This is a sticky place for me because I have concerns about going to a 'professional' third party. I could go on ad nauseam (anyone catching the Latin theme I've got going on here:) about why I don't like therapists/mediators but I have always been dead set against them. I don't need to spend my hard earned money to have someone tell me all the reasons I am wrong (or right) or all the reasons he is wrong (or right) so we can end up splitting anyway, only several hundred or thousand dollars poorer. Worse yet, if anyone suggests I need medication I'll laugh 'em right on out of the office. There's a pill for everything these days and those who really need them are getting lost in the fray of those who are being fast tracked out of the office with a pat on the head and some relaxing meds. This is a general rant and not one directed at those of you advising mediation. I am just trying to give you perspective on where I stand regarding it. Maybe I'm wrong. I just don't feel as though I it means I am not willing to try at my marriage because I am not willing to pay a complete stranger to spit out some text book rhetoric based on what I and my husband choose to share because there is no way they could possibly know or be made aware of all of the details that have brought us to where we are.
Please, please, please understand that this is just how I feel. I'm sure there are many people out there who feel differently and my thoughts are not meant to in any way disparage what works for you. This is how I feel based on my experiences. I share them only to invite anyone who wishes to share their feelings on the matter of mediation in contrast to how I feel.
Thanks once again to all of you who are helping me through this anonymously, by choice, for free and without medicating me (save for the intoxicating feeling I get from knowing there is support out there). This board is really helping me to figure out where I stand. Once again, my sincerest thanks to you all for your input.
SLH
BTW, I am new to forums in general so if I break any rules please let me know.
Re:My Story (in brief) Advice Needed teacherwriterguy: Hey again,
I read your feelings on mediation (even the parts with Latin in them :) :P). I actually do empathize - I was completely the same was as you. I figured that a mediator would take sides or just recite platitudes and how could someone who didn't even know the two of us possibly help when we couldn't help ourselves. For a long, long time I delayed on the idea of counseling for exactly the same reasons that you listed.
And, of course, you make your own choices here - we're just offering our slants on things :)
What I'd say is this - though I had the same reasons for avoiding counseling as you have listed, I've come to think that I was wrong.
I think that, sometimes, no matter HOW well-meaning or genuine or honest a couple is - sometimes you need a third party to break the stalemate. If anyone is going to try to "change" to make the marriage healthier, there needs to be somebody overlooking the process who's not emotionally invested in it. There were so many times when I tried to "be different" for my stbx and so many times that she tried to "be different" for me. Each time the one or the other of us - well we weren't being dishonest. We meant it. At the time. But those efforts fizzle and fail out because emotions, patterns, our own inability to see beyond ourselves got in the way.
I wish now that I'd thought differently of counseling at the time. I don't know that it would have made the difference, but I regret not trying it earlier. I feel like, in all of the stones we overturned trying to save my marriage, that was one that was not given its due.
My two cents!
twg
Re:My Story (in brief) Advice Needed jillieb44: If he's interested, I'd definitely try counselling. If he's not interested, go yourself a few times.
Trust me, you could have been describing my situation when my first child was younger, and it didn't get any better, only worse. The controlling behavior (you want to go WHERE? Do WHAT? That's stupid (or worse, like yours accusing you of wanting to sleep with the band), his passive aggressive tendencies, the isolation (same thing, our friends were HIS friends), him playing the martyr, his one kitchen task done ONCE that he claimed he did 'all the time' yada yada.
I spent years on my own trying to make things better, tried counselling for me, didn't work, had a severe bout of clinical depression, tried EVERYTHING (and I do mean everything!) to make him happy, and NOTHING WORKED. I gave 14.5 years to this man, that I'll never get back.
Whenever I tried to make fun plans with the kids (summer weekend trips, etc) he was the wet blanket, party pooper, and ruined our time together. If I developed a hobby, he'd whine how he had to take care of the kids while I was out (uh, hello, I stayed home with them ALL THE TIME!)
You need to make some decisions about your life and marriage. Counselling is definitely the place to start. And also set some limits on what you will and will not take from your husband in terms of his treatment of you. Dr. Phil's Relationship Rescue book has some good exercises and information on how we let others treat us badly and how to change that as well.
Good luck.
Jillie
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