our love story part 2 hurting: Well that winter we fell on some hard times, financially and otherwise and you moved out and started seeing Nathalie. It was a very tormenting and painful time in my life. I prayed to God on my knees every single day that you would come back to me…and eventually you did. I thought that everything was going to be perfect and we were finally going to make our lives together, but I was wrong. I still had too many open wounds that were raw and bleeding for it to ever work. How could I be so naïve to think that we could just sweep the pain from the whole summer under the carpet and not deal with it? I had not dealt with my pain, and it came back at the most inopportune times to haunt me and it did haunt me day and night for months. I know now it was for the best when you moved out, because I have since been able to deal with my pain about Nathalie. My doctor has told me that it takes usually about 1 year to heal from a spouse’s infidelity and I guess he was right. I am glad that I have now dealt with it and it does not torment my thoughts anymore.
Well since January we have really been getting to know each other and understand each other all over again (with a few exceptions). We were growing closer each day and our bond was stronger than ever, then you drifted away somewhere else again. I can’t really say that I understand it, because I don’t. I think that it has something to do with your talk with Ann, and the dream about the baby biting you and that you have a fear of commitment and of getting close and letting someone else in so that you are vulnerable.
I have come to realize some things over the past 3 weeks when you have disconnected me from your life. The reason behind what I did and how I handled everything is that you are such a part of my identity. I don’t know who I am, I don’t know what I like and don’t like, I don’t know what I like to do. When I go to the grocery store, I walk around and I don’t know what to buy because everything in my life I have done because I thought it was what you wanted, I thought I was keeping you happy, and in the process I lost my identity. That’s why this is so difficult for me. Every movie I rented was because it was you liked, everywhere we ever went was because it was where you wanted to go, every cd we listened to was because it was what you liked. I let you take over my whole life and treat me like a doormat. You always knew that you could do pretty much anything and that I would always forgive you and forget, but that’s wrong. I don’t deserve to be treated like a dog. 2 times really stand out in my mind that shows me how cruel you can be. The time when I lent you money and 1 day later you took off to Niagara Falls with Nathalie when we were supposed to go to my family reunion and you knew how important it was to me, but instead you went to Niagara Falls with her. The second time is easter Sunday, when I spent all day cooking for you so we could have a nice Easter together. You even went so far as to send me to Hull to buy a case of beer (which is still un opened by the way) and you just didn’t show up and you didn’t call and you knew that I would be sitting there waiting for you all night, but there was no consideration given to my feelings at all. This is partly my fault because I let you treat me like that, you get treated how you let other people treat you. I let you treat me any way you wanted and I always forgave you and loved you, but it was never really returned to me. You always said we would be friends no matter what, but friends support each other and are there for each other, and it seems like I was always there when you needed someone, but that you were never there for me when I needed someone..So were you ever really my friend, or was the last 5 years all a lie? I am working day and night to heal myself and get my identity back, and perhaps someday down the road you will come to realize what I am saying is true, and take your blame for your part in this. I am not a dog, I am a human and deserve to be treated as such. I am not going to be anyone’s doormat anymore. I did a lot of things that I regret, but you should have some regrets about some things too if you are honest with yourself. Take some time David and think about the big picture and maybe you will come to realize a few things.
