Re:Can I ever go back? (for the adulterers on the board) nerak: One comment. You said you have learned that you don't owe anyone except yourself an explanation. I disagree. You owe your wife a complete explanation of what happened and more importantly why. Beyond that I agree.
My husband had an affair and in the end wanted to stay with me but was unable/unwilling to really look at why it happened. I couldn't take him back without that because without complete understanding (for him most of all) of why whatever he was feeling led him to an affair it WILL happen again. He says it won't because he doesn't want to go through this again and hurt me.... but if he doesn't understand what he was dealing with and why he was compelled to deal with it in that way I can not trust that the next time something does not feel exactly right that he won't run to someone else again instead of dealing with it with me.
My point is that I think this is important to regaining the trust of your wife.
Just my 2 cents.
Re:Can I ever go back? (for the adulterers on the board) barelybreathing: Wrong, wrong, wrong.
You owe your wife an explaination. This is your marriage. She is the mother to your children.
You can go back home and rebuild. But you must REALIZE that you have an awful lot of rebuilding to do. It is not going to come easy. You violated her trust. You have to help her regain it again. Suck it up.
Real remorse and atonement comes from walking through the fire and not around it.
You must realize that right?
I am not pinning your broken marriage on you by any means but when you chose to have an affair you put a conflict there that is very hard to overcome.
Your marriage is worth it. She is worth it. The outcome far outweighs the temporary work you have to do to make it better. Grab her and hold on for dear life......
BB
Re:Can I ever go back? (for the adulterers on the board) JimB: Karen and BB, I can't agree with you guys.
There is NO explanation for an affair. There is nothing that can be said that will make a spouse feel better about such a clear cut violation of the basic principle of marriage. Attempts to explain such actions will inevitably sound like excuses. Ladies, do you honestly think you'd be able to accept any explanation? If so, what explanation(s) would you have found acceptable?
IMO, explanations should be shelved in favor of a clear cut plan for the future. How am I going to adjust to ensure I don't succumb to temptation again, and how are we going to strengthen our marriage to provide the things I had thought I needed to look elsewhere for? Sometimes actions are truly inexplicable in the short term - only the perspective that comes with time enables us to truly understand our reasons for doing things.
Re:Can I ever go back? (for the adulterers on the board) hurtingverymuch: I have to agree with JimB here (yikes, sorry girls) ::).
There is no explanation for an affair or cheating. IMO, and this is just based on my own situation, but I look back now on the night that my s2bx told me he had cheated on me and the "explanation" of why he did what he did, and I look at them now as just what JimB called them "excuses". That and (in my view) him trying to transfer some of the blame and guilt onto me for his cheating. Believe me, 4 months ago when he told me all of the reasons why he cheated - I wasn't paying enough attention to him, we felt more like friends than H and W - in some ways I did accept this explanation because I was riddled with guilt and pretty much blamed myself for most of it and not being a better wife to him.
Today, my view is quite different. I will be the first to step up to the plate and take my lumps and take responsibility for the role I played in the demise of our marriage and what was wrong with it. But in no way, shape or form, will I take responsibility for the choice that he made when he cheated on me. Today, I know there would be no explanation that I would accept.
I also agree that if both people truly want to work on the marriage and save it that yes a plan for the future should be worked on. How and what do we do to regain the trust of the other, what can we do to fix what we thought was wrong with the marriage and build on that and strengthen it. Yes, there will be a tremendous amount of rebuilding to do but if both people believe that the marriage is worth saving I believe that the issues (such as trust, what was wrong with the marriage can be fixed) can be overcome and the marriage can be saved and be successful and strengthened.
Again, just my opinon and 2 cents worth.
Hurt
Re:Can I ever go back? (for the adulterers on the board) barelybreathing: [quote author=JimB link=board=1;threadid=1057;start=0#msg6851 date=1064717193"> There is NO explanation for an affair. There is nothing that can be said that will make a spouse feel better about such a clear cut violation of the basic principle of marriage. Attempts to explain such actions will inevitably sound like excuses. Ladies, do you honestly think you'd be able to accept any explanation? If so, what explanation(s) would you have found acceptable?[/quote">
Sorry. There has to be an explaination. How can one be accountable without an explaination. All the books I have read on affairs and infidelity talk about putting the affair out there in the open. If the injured spouse needs to have an explaination than that is that. Explaination isn't making excuses. It is trying to understand and heal.
For example:
"Why did you you have the need to turn to another person?"
-"She gave me emotional support where you were not."
"Okay. So in order for us to move forward together, I will need to work on supporting your emotions more."
Things cannot be swept under the rug. Get it all out in the open. It's not about finding an acceptable answer. With affairs there is no acceptable answer. It's about trying to understand the mindset of where the adulterer was at.
At least that is important to me. I want to know that the man I married and fell in love with is not a man full of excuses but a man who has accountibility and explaination.
I did this because. I was with her because. This is where I was at when it happened. This is why I did this. I felt like this.
I want answers.
BB
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