Maybe I can write and write until nothing is left. jt5639: You consume my thoughts and I hate it. I rememeber how I used to love thinking about you all day. How it hepled me get through work. How it made me feel full. It made me fill alive. How ironic, and awful, that now it makes me feel empty. It makes me feel like my life is all about getting by without you. I feel like I'm not living.
I don't want to think about you anymore. I never imagined that I could ever hate you. I don't, but sometimes I feel da*n close. You have disrespected me so much. You didn't have enough respect for or trust in me to talk to me about these things before it was too late for you. You don't have enough respect for me to let me try to love you as you need and as I know I am capable of.
I gave you all of me, and you only gave me parts. You didn't trust me with your feelings, with your pain. You thought you were protecting me from hurt, but your disrespect has cut a wound so deep, I don't know that it will ever heal.
I gave you all of me, and now I have nothing, because you took it all and gave nothing back. Our therapist called you a caretaker, said that you gave and gave, and never asked in return. How true and how false all at the same time. You gave in the wrong way. You were there for me, but never allowed me to support you. The greatest injustice of all in my mind. I don't NEED you, I WANT you. I wanted to be the one you leaned on, the one to protect you when you needed protection. You never allowed that. That is the greatest betrayal of all.
Now, when you need support the most, you see that you haven't allowed yourself to truly lean on me. And rather than give the person you said you loved more than anyone, you said you had the deepest connection with you've ever known, you said you wanted to spend the rest of your life with - rather than actually finally trusting me when you need to trust in someone the most, you shut me completely out.
I gave you all of me, and now I doubt that I can ever do it again. It is my fault I kept nothing, but I found it beautiful to trust someone completely. But now I feel pain so deep, so so deep - it is frightning.
I don't want to think about you anymore. You have so easily chosen to not think about me, to no longer let me have any impact in your life, to live without me. Why, why can't I do the same.
Re:Maybe I can write and write until nothing is left. browngreen: Good rant, JT
Re:Maybe I can write and write until nothing is left. jt5639: Thanx BG - if only I were done. :-\
Someday.
Re:Maybe I can write and write until nothing is left. browngreen: LOL
I know the feeling. Indeed.
I can't even start. I wouldn't know where.
Kudos to you for attempting to wade through it all, spit it all out.
I hope the catharsis is productve. As long as you feel better afterwards.
How are you feeling after writig that much?
BG
Re:Maybe I can write and write until nothing is left. jt5639: #2
I managed to get a good 2 1/2 hours alone without thinking of you. Then I listened to my favorite album, which is unfortunately, your favorite album. I thought screw it, I love this music, it is for me, and I will reclaim it as mine. But you are so wrapped up in it, so wrapped up in so many of my memories. So many places in this beautiful city. This beautiful city that I so love, but now consider leaving because I built my life here with you, and you are everywhere.
I am working on my room tonight, finishing unpacking, decorating. I will make this space mine. I will make this house mine - though that is hard. 3 people I don't know after living with you who I knew so well.
I am sad. I want so much to have you as a friend. I thought it would get easier as each day went by. But it has becone harder. I see why so many stop contact. As each day goes by I seem to feel this pain deeper, realizing how you betrayed me and our bond. This bond is why I want you as a friend, but you have violated it. Not by breaking up with me, but by never giving us a chance. I know relationships don't always work out, but you gave up on us. You waited until it was a crisis in your mind. The only choice in your mind then was to leave.
Why do you want to be my friend? You've made it obvious you don't need me, don't want my love, my support. Why then? Because you think I need you? Because you are consumed with guilt? Is this your way of trying to make you feel better about what you've done? To let you forgive yourself your injustices?
Why do I want you as a friend? Can I ever trust you? Can I ever rely on you again?Will you ever confide in me, call me when you are down? What kind of friendship will this be if you can't lean on me and I'm too afraid of leaning on you. The thought of being your aquaintince makes me want to vomit. After all we have been through it would be so belittling, so offensive to me. If we can't be close, then I don't know if I want to be friends at all. Can I get through this anger, this feelling rejected - and can you get over your fuc#ing guilt complex that put us here in the first place?
My rejection issues and your guilt issues - this is why we're here. You've plainly stated you have no interest in working on these things. How in the hell do you expect us then to be friends?
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