Re:Maybe I can write and write until nothing is left. jt5639: BG - Well, I guess I felt like I needed to write some more :) LOL
I do feel better after writing. I have so many conflicting things in my head. It's overwhelming. Do you read the Harry Potters and see the movies? It sort of like Dumbledor's pensieve :)
I get rid of a few of the thoughts so I can sort through the others, and maybe come back to these later if I need to.
I also do want to someday be my ex's friend, but want to say these things to him. So writing it here instead of in my journal makes it more like talking to him for some reason.
JT
Re:Maybe I can write and write until nothing is left. jt5639: #3
Mornings are the worst. I wake up and it all comes rushing back. At least I get peace when I sleep. I haven't dreamt of you in awhile.
Today I miss you. And I am sad because I am losing hope. And not because of your actions, but because of this ever-growing pain inside of me. When I let go of trying to be your friend for awhile, the flood gates opened. So much anger and resesntment. So much hurt, more that I have ever known. More than I would ever wish on anybody. Will I ever be able to forgive you? Forgive you for hurting me? Will I ever forgive myself for allowing myself to be hurt. For loving you. I really hope so. I don't like myself like this. Angry. It is new, alien to me.
And right along side this anger is so much love too. How do these things co-exist? I miss you so much this morning. I don't want to miss you anymore. I don't want to love you like this anymore. It's only bringing me pain.
It's only been 9 weeks, and I feel like I can't take it anymore. I am so tempted to shut all this pain out. To close up, to shut down. But I want love in the future. I want to forgive you. I want to remeber the beautiful times and smile, not cry. God, that seems so so far away. I really hope I make it there.
Re:Maybe I can write and write until nothing is left. browngreen: I'm really with you on someday wanting to be his friend...but how can I with so much negativity I would like to say? Where do I put it? What is to be done with it?
Hey, JT, I'm wondering, would you mind if I joined you?
I was thinking today that I need to "do the work" and for me, one enjoyable way would be to start just writing the few things out.
What do you think?
BG
Re:Maybe I can write and write until nothing is left. jt5639: #4
I do hate you know. I really, really do. You have a date this weekend, you weren't expecting it to be so soon. Well, fu#@ you!
I thought nothing could feel worse than you dumping me - but I've found what feels worse. Just a week ago you were questioning if what you'd done was right.
I hate you. I hate you so much for hurting me this much. I hate you so much because you can move on, and I'm stuck here hurting, and crying, and longing for you. I hate you for putting me in this place. I hate you for being able to already date someone, want to be intimate with someone else. I never thought I could hate you - I never thought it possible, but there are so many things I'm realizing I'm wrong about. So, so many.
Re:Maybe I can write and write until nothing is left. jt5639: #5
Well, it has been a week since we spoke - since you told me there is someone else. I have been stronger this week. I realized you are not worth the pain I feel. It has been good, I have been busy, I have been spending more time with people I neglected while with you.
Then I wake up today and breakdown. Why do I miss you? You give me no reason to miss you. You have been so disrespectful, disgusting, and selfish. Yes - disgusting. I am disgusted that you are already dating someone. Disgusted that you are such a coward. You were too cowardly to admit to yourself that there were problems in our relationship, too cowardly to work on them, too cowardly to grieve for us, too cowardly now to work on YOUR problems - just jumping into yet another relationship. 5 years together, 8 years as friends. We spoke of - you still speak of - this deep connection we have. How can you not see how offensive you are being?
This will not last. You will dump her at some point because you are creating a vicious cycle - and then yet another person screwed over by your disgusting, cowardly ways.
Now all I have to ask is why do I still love you? Why do I still think of you and miss you? When will my heart understand that you are not worthy of my love?
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