Need Advice jerkno1: I have been married for almost 5 years. We have two children. Everything is great. Except that I do not love my wife. I respect her, and I don't want to hurt her. Nor do I want to break up what a stranger recently described as "a beatiful little family."
I'm not sure why I married my wife. I think it was because I was afraid not to. Admitting that, and now writing that, makes me feel awful because it makes me realize how pathetic I am. There's a lot more to it than just that I was afraid not to, but it's sufficient, I think, to say that I do not love her now, and that I did not then.
My commitment to our relationship has varied over time - hence our two children. But even at my best, I've never been motivated by anything other than the idea that I signed on for this and should therefore stick with it.
I met another woman who is perfect (for me at least). Actually, I've known her for a very long time - since before my marriage. We got together for a bit and then broke it off with last year, and I've been absolutely miserable since. So, a month or two ago, I got back in touch with her. Since then, we've only talked. And I feel just as elated. So it's not just the sex. I have gone to ridiculous, absurd lengths, just to spend a couple hours eating dinner and talking with her. She's so amazing.
And now I'm faced with my sense of obligation and my cowardice. And I'm being a nasty, miserable, grumpy jerk to everyone around me, including my boys. I resent my wife. A lot. Everything she does pisses me off. Part of it is that we've grown into increasingly different people, so that the relatively small gap that was once easy to bridge has become more like a gaping chasm. But the other part is that I'm afraid I'm going to lose my chance to have some kind of relationship with this other woman.
I'm afraid of being apart from my children. I'm afraid of hurting my wife. I'm afraid of what will happen if I just try to suck it up. I'm afraid of how little money I'm going to have when I move out (she doesn't work, and she really is the better parent, so she should keep the boys and enough $$ to support them).
I'm not sure anyone should marry before age 25 (or maybe even 30).
Re:Need Advice buyrbware: dont know what advice your looking for! Aproval? I wont tear this to shreads, and I will try to keep things civil. See you are asking for advice from a board of people who have been in your wifes shoes, or soon to be shoes!
With that said, for whatever your reasons are the only advice I can give you is to end one before you start another. That being out of respect for your wife, like her or not! If you have the drive and determination to play, at least have the guts to suck it up and come clean. I can say this because i have been on the recieving end of what you are doing! I wish you all the best and hope you remember someday this could happen to you. Maybe not with your current wife, but the ironic thing is maybe this women you so call love will do it to you in the future.
Take care
Re:Need Advice HopelessGeek: OK I will be a little less harsh in response than buyrbware. Mostly because I can understand some of what you are thinking.
I do have one question. Does you wife still love you or is the feeling of a loveless marriage mutual?
There is a very valid piece of advice in what Buyrbware said. If you are going to persue anything with this other woman, you owe it to your family to break cleanly. Finish one thing before starting anything else.
You are clearly afraid of the future. If you are going to end a marriage you have to realise that all the consequences of doing so are unavoidable. Be they monetary, emotional or anything else.
I do agree on your point that people should perhaps not marry early. That's what led me to a similar situation to yours. However, you made that choice. You need to make a choice now. You owe it to your family. If you do not love your wife, you need to own up to that and tell her. She, no matter how much, to use your words, she pisses you off.
Clearly from your perspective you have made a choice between the other woman and your wife. If you have made this choice then you owe it to her to tell her about it. Carefully reading your post, you have already cheated on her. She needs to know that. Does she know anything of what you have been doing?
There is no way you will find people here who will help you expunge your guilt at what you are and have been doing. As was said a great many people here have more empathy with your wifes situation than yours. But I do subscribe to a belief thart if it'f not working and it will not work, then there is no point staying as its not fair on either of you.
There is no way anything you have to do will not hurt your wife. You shoudl tell her what you have been doing. Yes that will hiurt her, but IMO less than if she were to find out for herself.
I think if there is one key thing you should always remember its honesty.
Re:Need Advice hurting: It is absolute torture for a spouse to know that they were left for someone else. I can guarantee you it won't work with the new woman..oh it may for awhile, but ultimately it will fail as a rebound thing. When a relationship breaks up - it does not matter who breaks up with who - you both need to take time alone, stand on your own, do your own grocery shopping etc...you both need time to mourn and grieve, because whether you can see it or not - you are hurting too. It is the moral and right thing to do - let the other woman go - and if 6 months to a year from now you both are still interested - go for it...but give your wife time to get over it without the added torture of another woman..that's the human and moral and decent thing to do.
Re:Need Advice Jennicole: my advice to you would be to leave.. you owe it to yourself and your wife.. if she ever found out that you dont love her, and possibly didnt it would devistate her...people make mistakes. but you should give yourself, and your wife the oportunity to find true everlasting love.. i know you are worried about hurting her, and you will, but in the end she will be better off and possibly happier.. good luck to you.
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