Bad day today... hate when the coaster dips... gumby55555: For some strange reason, I had a bad feeling all day... just started to think about the ex for some god-forsaken reason. I'd claim female intuition but the sex-change operation hasn't kicked in yet... but whatever the friggin reason, it was starting out bad and then got worse. Found out from a friend that she's (probably) seeing another guy and is (probably) getting ready to sleep with him.
I'm not sure why that put me in a funk... but it did. I know she's been semi-intimate (is there such a thing?) with another guy already but maybe this just strikes me as being more serious and somehow signals the final end for "us"... maybe somewhere in the back of my mind, I kept having some insane, stupid fantasy of having her back. I hate how madly, madly, madly in love with her I was... I'm bitter about it and regret it. I was ready to change my whole world for her... damn, I thought I was in a much better place than this. It's like Pacino said, just when you think you're out, they pulll you back in. When it first happened, I thought about her every minute... literally. I had it bad and the first week or two were the darkest of my life.
The one silver lining was the divorce diet starting me on the path to getting back into shape (still have a ways to go though, obviously). But when I found out some things about her, the anger kicked in and helped me move past. I thought about her less and less... now, I go hours without a single thought about her. I don't think I've managed a day without thinking about her yet, though... I hate that. I don't even know what I'm typing... just that I want to somehow numb my mind or tire myself out so I don't think about her when I go to sleep. Man, this is rough... it's like Seger said... night-time really is the cruelest time of all... :( I used to laugh at people when they said they just wanted someone to rescue them... to hold them, to love them truly... I don't laugh at them any more...
Re:Bad day today... hate when the coaster dips... Bocephus: Hey there Gumby. Hang in there today man.
I think I understand what you are feeling as I have had some of those same kinds of thoughts in the recent month.
[quote"> I'm bitter about it and regret it.[/quote">
Now this is not good either. Bitterness just makes you angry, and regret makes you guilty and sorry and makes all those memories bad ones. I think.. At least that's my thoughts.
Hang in there man. Cut yourself some slack, and don't be too hard on yourself today. It's nice outside too.
Bo
Re:Bad day today... hate when the coaster dips... jillieb44: Do you still care about her on some level? Did you leave/part ways on civil terms? I think it's only normal, these feelings, especially when she's moving on.
I'm sure my ex feels the same way (I'm dating; he's sulking). I do wish my ex the best and I wish he'd find someone else to focus on (though who'd be able to live with him?? LOL).
You cared about this woman, and now it's clear it's over. It hurts sometimes. Hang in there. Tomorrow will be a better day.
Jillie
Re:Bad day today... hate when the coaster dips... gumby55555: Thanks Bo, you're right, it IS a nice day out! :) And you're definitely right about the bitterness and regret... I guess I'm not as far along as I thought (or hoped) I was. Good advice to enjoy the sunshine and ride this crappy day out... appreciate it, bro!
Hey Jillie, thank you for the nice words... you're right, I cared for her (too much, apparently) and hopefully tomorrow will be better. It wasn't a good breakup at the end (the only "not good" breakup I've ever had) and maybe these negative feelings are some of the remnants of that. I never really thought about that perspective on it... but I will think more on it now. Thanks for the new insight into that!
Re:Bad day today... hate when the coaster dips... gumby55555: Just to follow up with this (more for me than anyone else), I finally got a bit of insight into this while working out today. I'd imagined her (and she presented herself) to be a very different person than who she truly was (I wonder sometimes if she's aware of it). I did idealize her and put her on a pedestal and finally fell victim to the "nice guy" thing of assuming that *everything* she ever did or said was completely true and never from any malign intent. I imagined her to be chaste almost, a view she encouraged in our time apart by repeatedly asserting that she would never see other guys romantically, that it would dishonour and disrespect our relationship, that she wasn't like that, etc. The truth of the matter, however, was that she was always seeking attention and approval from men and I chose to ignore that, eventually. I chose to believe what she said and ignore the evidence of how she behaved in the past and with me. She stopped revealing herself more and more and I started to believe the image she projected (and I imagined) was truly her more and more. Thus the shock when I found out what I did later on... it was *completely* contrary to the image of the person I thought I knew... the real person's actions were completely at odds with who I thought I knew. And what she's doing now, going or hanging out with all sorts of random guys to eventually weed one out from the lot to start up with... well, I realize now that's what she's always done, even though she was more than willing to cooperate with the image that she didn't. The strange thing is there's nothing wrong with that; if she'd just owned up to it all along and not tried to present herself differently... the accompanying dishonesty... or if I hadn't imagined those differences... I don't know, I'm beginning to ramble aimlessly now... so I'm trying to tell my "source" that I really don't want to hear any more goings-ons in her life... whether she's hanging out with Alan, Steve, Ed, Jeff, John, or who the fuck ever... I'm starting to stop imagining her as who I thought she was (and she helped project herself as) and just recognize and accept that that person never existed truly. The bitterness and resentment are for that lost dream, not for the person that's there, and unrecognizable, now...
