He's contacting me finney5: Okay, most of you know my story.. My stbx has started contacting me over this last week.
Background: he left me to move to Oregon to pursue a relationship with his best friend's sister who he'd been talking with a lot over the internet and by telephone.
He's now telling me that he realizes that he f'd up. That he wants to move back to MO, but he's got to wait 6 mo (because of the lease he signed). That he can't talk to his best friend about what's going on because it involves the guy's sister, etc...
When he calls he usually in tears or close to it. He has alcoholism that runs in the family and he's trying to drown his sadness and lonliness in beer.
I end up trying to cheer him up (old story--that's what I always do--I'm the cheerleader, the peacemaker). I've been encouraging him to go to church or do something ANYTHING that interests him so he can meet people out there.
I don't really want him to move back here. I think he's calling me because I was his best friend for years before he met that other guy. That other guy is a user (IMO) he used my stbx to pay for his way out to OR and now that he doesn't need my stbx he's cutting him loose. I'm afraid that my stbx will do something to himself (like suicide). While I'm firm in my belief that I do not want him back, I'm not sure if this talking to him and 'counseling' in a way is appropriate. I still care for the guy--how could you not after 7 years? I know I'm going to take his calls. He told his mother that the divorce was inevitable (which it probably was), but when he talks to me there something left hanging in the air, like he wants me to wait for him to come back. I can't put myself through that again. He's made comments like when he gets back into town he'll finish the projects that he started on in the house (he's a carpenter-he left the house liveable, but a mess).
Any comments, warnings, ideas of what I should do? I've looked up some churches in his area and am going to call him and let him know about them.. The nice thing about church is that people HAVE to be nice to you. And if they're not, then there's another one down the street you can try :)
Sorry this is so long--He started calling me last week (just once to let me know that he'd mailed off the signed paperwork). This weekend though, he's called Thursday, Friday and TOday already. I think it's because he needs someone to talk to, but I don't want him to think it's going to lead to anything.
Re:He's contacting me inebr: finney,
I'm sorry that this is all happening. But IMO your stbx has to be accoutable for the decisions he has made for himself. One of the things they teach in al-anon is that we have to stop trying to "fix" the situation for them, to catch their fall and cover up for them. That they have to feel "the bottom" on their own, they say it's the only way they can begin to want to change their lives for themselves. I think that's the only way it can work for them. To let them be accountable. I know it feels mean because you care about him and you don't want to see anything bad happen to him. Maybe look at it as you're stepping out of his way so he can get to the point where he wants things to be different for him. Maybe let him know about the churches you already looked into but then it's really up to him to do the rest and for you to take care of you. That's just my 2cents. Take care of yourself.
Re:He's contacting me atd74: finney,
I have to agree with what inebr said. He has to take accountability and action for what he's done and you cannot continue to be his "cheerleader". He made his choice quite clear when he moved and you are settled now with your new life and trying to move on. As life isn't always fair what he did to you wasn't fair at all and now let him suffer the consequences of his terrible actions. Let him figure himself out on his own.
Ofcourse you're going to feel the need to "take care" of him for awhile but I'll tell you... after awhile of this b.s. you're going to get bogged down and sick of it and realize you and only you are the most important thing right now.
He will have to pick up his own pieces and start putting his own life back together the best way he knows how or he will fail and fail and fail and you'll have to let him drown. I know that sounds harsh but what he's done to you and himself is harsh. It hurts to turn your back but sometimes its what needs to be done to save yourself. You sound like you are at a better place now... don't let him distract you from that.
