his reality of divorce? left in MN: he thinks and says to the kids he'll always be there for them...how can he if he's never around, and am I to let him come and go out of our lives when ever he has the time. he's making his moving out sound like a good thing to the kids and I think that's bs. he's willing to give me sole custody and that's what I want, but really does divorce really work this well, this friendly, his terms only. I will be the one to have to pick up all the peices after he says good by to the kids again and again. I don't think that's procting the kids at all.......in fact i think the kids have to relive the rejection, good by and be reminded that what they thought was a family and safe haven for them that it's mom & dad & kids that's what family is to them...we lost a team member......and I want to protect my kids from this kind of pain....he dosn't deserve to have the time of day with the kids....he chose to leave our unit with no real good reason in our minds.....reasons he left were fixable......100% no cheating involved...it was all about what he wanted now...I don't want it to go all his way...the kids and I don't deserve this way of life...I married for life and I think he has to relize what he's losing because if he dosn't love me he dosn't love a part of the kids....I have been everthing to the kids and all he's really been is the play dad and the worker dad the gone dad. I have ran the house the lives of three and they have become because of me.....tell me can he really expect to come and go with no consequence? I see this as a victory for him if you all answer yes divorce is this way.
Re:his reality of divorce? NotADoormat: Just FYI - most courts will award joint custody (usually to the mother, which I'm not sure I support wholly) unless one parent proves that the other one is or has the potential to harm the children (alcoholism, drug abuse, physical abuse, etc...) There has to be concrete proof because the court doesn't care about "he said"/"she said" Chances are you will get joint custody with a visitation schedule. "Joint" doesn't necessarily mean he gets them 50% of the time and you get them 50%, it just means that you share the decision making on their upbringing. There is usually a primary custodian (the one they live with most of the time). My X gets the kids every other weekend and on certain holidays - that works out to 2 out of 14 days, which I think really stinks, but what can you do? I want them to spend more time with him because the father/daughter relationship is so important with teen girls. Just thought I'd give you the layman's explanation to it - the courts certainly don't make it easy to understand!
The kids will feel pain regardless. I am sorry to say this, because we spend our whole lives protecting them from pain and then inflict the greatest pain ourselves. That killed me to realize. Just be truthful with them, answer their questions honestly and to their age-level of understanding, and most important, keep the bitterness between you and your X. He will always be their Dad and it will hurt them more to stand in the way of that. Believe me, I thought I would never do that and had to literally think about everything I said about him to my kids. Sometimes you can't help it when you're in so much pain yourself. You sound like a great Mom, so I know you'll understand what I'm saying. :)
A lot of guys become more dedicated Dads post-divorce, so just pray that this happens for your kids because then they win in the end. Good luck!
