Been a rough week part 1.... Safetykc: I just needed to vent a little. My STBX brought in some things for me Monday at work and I went to her car to get them. I asked her if she got the lawyer's letter about the court date....Of course she hadn't. She then broke down over how soon it is coming. She is so screwed up….We talked for a bit and I think it is all starting to hit her now and she misses me, but too bad. She made this bed. She says she just wanted a separation and break not this(not what she said before, she loves rewriting history) and that I pushed the divorce, she didn’t want this. Please. She said she misses the comfort and security of having me there and I was so good to her and the kids. So wonderful to be with, talk to, her best friend. Etc, etc. Something she should have been mature enough to figure out while we were still married and living together and before she turned to the OM we both work with!!! So she misses the comfort of being with someone who loved her completely? So he is out of the picture, maybe(who knows if I can believe her), and I can't deal with this. I told her I did love her and would have been with her through sickness and health until death do us part, but she left because she didn't love me and didn't know what she wanted. I don't think she still does. She said, she knows that. That is why she is hurting. She has feelings too. Man…She said, “I wasn’t an easy person to live with, was I?” I said, M, you really weren’t….I asked her if it was all worth it(the affair, leaving, and it looked like she was going to cry.) Why do I put myself through these conversations with her...why do any of us. This is so unfixable at this point and she is probably more upset that this guy blew her off…big surprise there.. I am a really awesome guy. I deserve so much better than this crap. She knows it breaks my heart to see her destroying her life, but I can’t do anything about it now. The trust thing has been so far broken. She isn’t suggesting counseling or working on things so it's all a moot point I guess. I think she is just grabbing at straws at this point because the reality of a second failed marriage is finally starting to hit her...I can't be there to comfort her through this...who will be there for me?
Re:Been a rough week part 1.... heelblue: It sounds like she wants a security blanket. Sorry you are going through all of this, but you have to work on taking caring of yourself. I know it hurts to see a loved one destroy their life....been down that road....but you need to worry about yourself for now.
Good luck - I wish you the best.
Re:Been a rough week part 2.... Safetykc: Well, That was Monday and I was doing better since then. Being Strong with my convictions. I was doing better each day. Then today...I went to a company United Way presentation and the STBX was in the skit. She sang ABBA's "Take a chance on me" which was a meaningful song to us. She sang it to me back during the dating days when I was questioning whether she was the right person for me, etc. Soon after that I asked her to marry me. So it had a pretty special meaning to us. I can't believe she picked that song and she kept looking at me. If she doesn't want to work on things why is she playing these back and forth games!?!?!?! Why won't she just make her mind and leave me alone or make an honest effort to repair the damage. I know its just her fear and insecurities rising up that keep her from truly making a commitment to work on our marriage or to end it completely. I asked her on Monday if there wasn't a part of her that wanted to fight for the dream we had and what could be and she said she didn't have the energy...You would think you hit me upside the head with the bat enough times I would give up. I can't figure out how to stop loving the person you trusted so completely, even while they are crapping all over you again and again. Seeing her up there singing that song hit me so hard. I got back to my desk and started shaking. I had been doing so good, but I had to go to the park and cry. I COULD NOT lose it at work. I just couldn't. Keeping it together takes a lot of my energy each day. This is so hard. I know one day I will be able to see her and feel nothing. Hurry up please! :-\ On a positive note, I have a counseling appointment tomorrow. Looking forward to that and having someone to talk to about all of these feelings. Now I have to get back to strength mode. Grrrr... ;) Take care everyone. Tommorrow will have to be a better today. At least it's not today!! :)
Re:Been a rough week part 1.... Safetykc: Thank's Heel, I know that is what she wants, and SHE CAN"T HAVE IT! I was the victim, the one cheated on, the one who didn't see it coming and worked hard on our marriage to make her, the kids, and us comfortable and happy. Just because her plan was to leave and Divorce someday when she was "ok" with it all and had moved on doesn't mean I have to play by those rules. I have to do whats right for me and move on. I am starting to realize why some people call the "D" day "Freedom Day"....Hallelujah!
Re:Been a rough week part 1.... heelblue: Freedom day!! Absolutely for me! Sounds like you are staying strong there. I was in a similar situation, but have stayed solid because I knew she was the one who did the damage...the cheating, lying, etc...not me! And now, I am thankful this whole dreadful marriage is nearly over! Play by your rules!
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