Re:Any leave"ers" with regrets? down2basics: :-[
Thinking of you!
d2b
Re:Any leave"ers" with regrets? JASPER: Yeah I regret not being able to leave.I mean weve seperated but for some reason I just cant seem to let go all the way even though I truly feel like it is what I want.Some leaver I am cant even leave right!
Re:Any leave"ers" with regrets? JDorn: I was just reading through old threads and when I stumbled across this one I couldn't help but reply even though the last post to it was the day before my birthday, and about the time my world started going upside down.
I'm my situation I guess I'd be labeled as the "Leaver" even though I haven't 100% left as of yet. We've been through some really bad times recently, mostly my doing because of my unhappiness in our marriage, including a separation, and me coming home, and now me wondering if I need to leave again. Countless fights and discussions about our marriage etc.
I just want to say that the even being the leaver in a situation doesn't cut you off from feelings. I sat with a friend last night having dinner and was talking to him about everything and said that even though I'm starting to really believe that leaving, and finding out who I am as a person on my own is what I need to do, that I just can't seem to bring myself to say the words to my wife. We go through UPs and DOWNs over and over, and I know that all I need to do to begin healing is just to say what I feel in my heart and be done with it, but part of me keeps me from being able to say it. Why is that? Why is it so hard to admit that it isn't working even when its staring at you in the face?
I only wish I could answer that, god knows all the books I've read so far haven't held any magic answers for me.
Re:Any leave"ers" with regrets? inebr: I'm not a leaver myself, but I wanted to say something that I was thinking about. In a way, there is something easy about being left (not that it's easy) but there is a finality that I have knowing that my stbx made the decision to leave. I don't have any control. The only thing I can do is move on with my life as best I can. Easier said than done and there's a lot of stuff to work through being a leavee.
But being the leaver, in a way I don't envy you. Even though it's VERY hard to be left, leaving is a huge burden. They will have to live with that decision for the rest of their life, and there's nothing passive about it. It's an action they take. But also staying is a conscious decision of the leaver who decides to stay as well.
I never had to make that decision in my marriage or relationship. I was never in the situation where I was so uncomfortable that I wanted to leave. I knew things would be difficult and I knew that some of the most successful marriages were those that there was a lot of struggling to keep it going in the past. I was truly in love with my stbx, right down to the core. But I guess I can see how some people might feel constricted by the marriage and feel they're better off getting out of it. And that's hard to argue with. I was so afraid that my stbx was going to leave the marriage, ...but when I thought about it, I was equally afraid he would stay out of guilt or fear and become passive and dispondent and we'd live out a long, lifeless, loveless marriage. Which is better? I guess I'm glad that wasn't my fate, because I don't know if I would have ever left.
I was hoping that he would choose to stay in the marriage and then at the same time choose to make the very very best of what a marriage can be. We really had a lot of potential to have an incredibly happy life together. To me that is a fact. Sometimes I felt is was just a matter of the tiniest adjustment in his perception of things, of the way he viewed things. But then he thought I needed to see things different. I dunno.
I wish you luck.
