Trying to be friends? ostia: Hi all,
My situation is odd...my husband and I have always been best friends, but we had other major issues in our relationship, mostly involving finances/responsibility/lifestyle choices/etc. These things contributed to our ending up separated (he's also having a big midlife crisis, but that's another story). We still love each other very much and enjoy each other's company, but we just don't know if we can live together happily at this point.
So, we're in a very strange state now..trying to decide whether or not to try to reconcile...he's going off to visit a woman he met online to see if that's going to "go anywhere"...he's open to my dating new people...but he still says he's open to getting back together once we've had some time apart to "re-set" the relationship.
And, in the middle of it all, we're still talking frequently in a very friendly way...about books, movies, ideas, projects, etc. Weird.
It's almost as if I've split the part of me that's friends with him from the part of me that's his wife...like I'm willing to lose him as a spouse but not as a friend. I just don't know if it's unhealthy in our particular situation.
Re: Trying to be friends? justmenow: I completely relate. My X and I are divorced now and still the best of friends. He sends me jokes via e-mail and we started going out for coffee every Sunday just to talk about things friends talk about. We're even going on vacation together next week - to those around us, you'd never know we were divorced. He makes a great friend, but a lousy husband.
I know this will sound like a broken record, but do what's best for you. There are no set ground rules here. If you feel comfortable being his friend while he dates, do it divorced. Just my personal opinion. I waited until the papers were signed before I started even considering dating. BUT, that's MY choice - yours may be different.
Anyhow, my point (and I do have one...) is that it isn't "wrong" not to despise your X, it just isn't terribly common. I feel blessed to be one of the fortunate few who can still enjoy the company of my X. Maybe I always will. Good luck - it is *not* an easy decision to make even when there isn't animosity involved.
Re: Trying to be friends? ostia: I guess my fear is that talking to him so frequently right now will cloud my ability to judge the relationship accurately and to decide whether or not I should even try to save it.
I love him and I love spending time with him, but the fact still remains that financial security is important to me and is not to him (he's willing to live on nothing), that I'm social and he's very introverted, and that while I think I want to have a child, he's pretty sure he doesn't.
Yet we make each other laugh, can talk for hours, still have a great sex life.....
Argh!
Re: Trying to be friends? EfemII: Hi Ostia,
Let me give you some perspective from my situation. I haven't spoken to my ex more than twice in the past year. I still think about her every day and I just wonder if I cut off the chord too soon. I'll tell you that my gut reaction is that, yes it was the right thing to do. Do I ever want to see her again? Mixed feelings... Right now I think she's a dingbat, and that she couldn't carry on a conversation that I could ever comprehend.
I think that there needs to be some break from your ex. If I really wanted to... I could have put a wedge in between my ex and her POS boyfriend. I can talk with her for hours about movies, common interests, etc... I would even get the sex that had been lacking in the last couple of years of our marraige.
What good would it do me? How could I move on? I think there's really no wrong/right way of breaking off ties. It varies with each person.
For me, I had to run hard the opposite way after I found out about her affairs. I still struggle with the idea of us being friends one day, but it won't be anytime soon if ever. I just posted my difficulties as I look back at our life ( 10 yrs - 7 married ).
I don't know how you can still face your ex even after your divorce. I can understand being amicable during the separation/divorce process, but why still communicate on the same intimate level with someone your not legally attached to anymore?
I'm rambling, but I'm also curious as to how you decided that divorce was the right choice for you both.
Re: Trying to be friends? atd74: ostia,
I think your fear is genuinely understandable.
If you are going to go through with the divorce how can you ever move forward if you are still tied to your ex that closely? Its different once you have been married to someone... it's not like you are just plain old friends. You have an initmate past that you had with no one else.
Is it possible that since you are still so in love and enjoy each other so much that your differences regarding finances and responsibility can't be worked through? Sometimes people can really make great friends but that's it. Sometimes you just can't work things out. But it sounds almost as if your situation can be worked through somehow...
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