Issue with boyfriends son Simply Lori: Hi All!
I am new to this site so bear with me please. Ironically the man that im dating now divorced around the same time that I did. My X and I tried for two years to save our marrigae by attending therapy religiously. I think that we failed when the therapist moved. It could be that she was the one holding it together. My X and I were together for 18 years before finally calling it quits. I was a freshman in high school and he was senior. We started young and thought that marriage was the next step - wrong move for us. As we matured, our minds did as well which led to the fact that it was time to move on. The relationship wasn't a disaster because we have three wonderful children; 16, 14, & 11.
My boyfriends relationship ended because she was seeing another man and he raised his second son as his until he found out through a paternity test that he wasn't his. Up to this day, he hasn't neglected the child. As a matter of fact, he tries to continue to raise him up as if he were his, biological father seems like a loser to me, but I am just assuming so.
Which comes to my question. My boyfriend and I have been seeing each other for 7 months now. We both have had relationships after the divorce, but nothing serious. Our children have only recently met - 1 month ago. My boys seem to like him and want him around often, but the situation on the other end seems kind of weird. I get along with his son well DURING THE DAY, but at night, he pulls a hissy fit. He is 11 and has been sleeping with his dad on the same bed. He has told his son that I was going to sleep over. When he tell his son this, he's ok with it until the time comes to go to bed. He cries like its the end of the world. One one particular night, he cried. I told him to check his son, he did. When he left the room, I unarmed the house and went to my car. He came out and said don't go! When his son was calling him back into the house, I started my car and left. He kept trying to call my cell phone, but I turned it off. He called my home, but I didn't answer. I wanted him to take care of his son first. He called me at 11pm and said he was coming over and that he just dropped his son off at his mothers. He called her and said "why do I have to suffer?, Can I be happy too? You are. When he got to my house, he cried and asked me not to give up on him.
I have my own place. I have my children M-F. Their father has them on the weekends. This has been working out well. I have a job that pays me well and I have no complaints. My internal switch tells me to give up, but I think I love him. I'll be honest, I don't deal with dramatic issues well and would rather close the door on it than to explore it. When confronted with issues that shake the way I do things or my comfort level, I leave! Whats wrong with me? Need Advice!
Just Lost
Re:Issue with boyfriends son i_sing_alone: It sounds a little dramatic to me for you to up and leave the house if the son is crying. I mean, he's not used to someone coming into his territory and is probably going to take a very long time to adjust to it.
I would say, from what I hear in your story, that if you're not comfortable making compromises and taking baby steps toward including the son in your life, then it's best to get out before it's way to hard to do so.
I hope I don't come across as being critical when I say this, but if you know you have a history of running when things get complicated, you might want to consider exploring that about yourself before you bring that into a new relationship- especially one that includes a vulnerable child.
I have a daughter and was in kind of a similar situation as your boyfriend's, so feel free to PM me if you want more of my perspective.
Good Luck!
Re:Issue with boyfriends son Shanna: If you WANT to make it work I would suggest him teaching his son (who should be anyway) to sleep in his own bed BEFORE you try to stay the night again. Don't let him make YOU the reason. Just that he is old enough to be in his own bed. Then when you come and stay it won't be such a big deal.
I agree with TWG's FB about a little dramatic up up and leave when he is already having a trouble with his son.
If my boyfriend ran off the first time one of my kids thru a tantrum we would have been done right then and there.
Re:Issue with boyfriends son ti-poux: I think his son likes you...and that is the root of your problems...
He likes you so he feels like if he likes you he must not like his mother or he is afraid that he can't love his mother as well.
Children this age can't know what is bothering them.
Went through the same thing with my daughter and she though if she liked my b/f it would hurt her daddy and she thought he would feel abandoned.
Maybe if you sit down with him and read him a story about divorce and new relationships...it could ease the anxiousness he is feeling...then maybe slowly ..very slowly talk to him about being able to love more than one person at a time..
Hope this helps....
Re:Issue with boyfriends son Simply Lori: I really appreciate everyone's view on this matter which is the reason why I was willing to post it in the first place.
I agree with you TWG, I do need to find out what I can and cannot tolerate. I wasn't dramatic in leaving though. He came out and asked me what to do. I told him that I didn't have the faintest idea how to. It all depends on how he and his X raised their son. I also told him that if he needed time to figure this all out, he should. I would never let anyone get in the way with me an my kids, so I wouldn't expect him to.
The next day, we planned to hit a waterpark. This was something that was planned with all the kids. I asked him if he was going to bring his son, he said no. I told him that it would be best to call him and ask him if he still wanted to go, his boy said yes. We went through the day as if nothing ever happened the night before. This, I am thankful for.
When we got together, we weren't ready for the kids to be introduced to each other simply because we tried it before and we both think its wrong to keep introducing our children to g/f after g/f vice versa.
The thing is .. his mom was sleeping with another man for about 2 years before she finally decided to leave my b/f. She immediately moved in with him. Now she, her b/f and the two boys still share the same room. I don't want to assume, but could he have witnessed something in the other house?
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