Very scared hurting: My ex and I split about a month and a half ago. I thought he was seeing someone else, but didn't know for sure. and it was totally out of the blue..it was like he found someone else, then split with me..it's supposed to be the other way around!!. he would not even talk to me for at least 3 weeks...every time I called he yelled at me and said to leave him alone. Anyways over the last week or so he has been calling me and we had dinner one night..and now he is talking about working it out. As much as I would love to go back and work on our relationship - I don't want to go through the torture of breaking up - it was horrible..i couldn't eat, sleep, work or do anything. at one point I thought I was losing my mind, and I don't have any family support in the city, so I was so lonely as well. It just seemed like when I was starting to come out of my fog and was really working to try and get over him, he calls me. I am scared that if we start seeing each other again - this will happen again, and I will be back to square 1 and in a mess again. What happened to break us up a month ago was that he started disappearing for nights, and the ultimate was when he stood me up for Easter dinner when I had cooked all day. My problem is that there was no warning before..one day everything was fine, then the next day he disappears..if I could see it coming - that would be one thing - but I didn't see it coming..honestly. I don't know how to protect myself from getting hurt. I am trying to close off my feelings, but it doesn't work too well..I would like to go to counselling, but he is from the "old school" way of thinking, and i don't think he would go to counselling...any advice?
Re:Very scared CONFUSED PETE: i am in the same position, my gf/fiance of nearly 12 years did likewise. al was well up to the time she threw this at me, the night before we had played cards with everyone and 2 nights earlier we had excellent sex and she was the most caring person, i had dedicated my everything to her. i can make no sense of this.
Re:Very scared marfanoidus: hurting,
Re-read your post, and count how many warning signs you now have. You're a woman, and women have very powerful perception: your insights and instincts are, even now, screaming to you that things are horribly amiss. Your greatest strength will do you no benefit if you choose to ignore it.
Remember that people rarely, rarely change.
Remember that if you take him back now, you are telling him that he can get away with his behavior and you will take him back. I know, I know - what about forgive and forget? Forgiving and forgetting will take place within you, what will take place within him (almost guaranteed) is that he will think "haha, I got away with it".
Finally, remember - if he doesn't change completely (which, come on, it never happens), then you will revisit some of this story again in the future. After you've invested more time, more of yourself, maybe have children, etc., - you will play this game with him again.
People can easily pretend to change, but it is only a matter of time until the real person insists on coming out.
[quote"> I don't know how to protect myself from getting hurt.[/quote"> Yes you do. Yes you do.
Don't try to change him. Don't think you can save him. Don't think he will change for you.
Think that you can find someone better, and that you were lucky to learn this about him as early as you did.
Wish him well, and choose to demand better for yourself.
good luck to you,
walt
Re:Very scared noclue: Hurting,
Before my STBX and I got married he did that twice to me. Each time after about two months had gone by he came back. Each time I took him back. There were never any signs/warning with him either before he would leave as far as I knew we were doing great .I made so many excuses for his behavior. In the back of my mind I thought that it was other women but then I would always make excuses for him, and of course he would lie to me . We ended up getting married, and a year and four months later I found out he was cheating on me with his married co-worker. He refused to go to counceling. I will never take him back again. I now know my self-worth. So my point/oppinion....
He most likely left the relationship to be with another woman. When it stopped being fun or didn't work out he has come back. Please do not take him back unless he agrees to go to counceling. If he can walk away so easily and leave you hurting, and you just take him back, he will do it again. If he truely loved you he would do anything to get you back (such as counceling). I really agree with what marfanoidus posted in response to your post. Please know your self-worth and strength.
Good Luck,
Juli
