Re:Confusion reigns JimB: [quote author=dulok68 link=board=1;threadid=11073;start=0#msg90797 date=1115757805">
She won't go to counselling. Says I can if I want, but it costs so she not exactly sure i should, and like I said the money isn't there until i screw my head back on.[/quote">
I always consider it a red flag if counseling is completely dismissed by one party - that usually means that person hasn't taken accountability for his/her mistakes. That said, how do you feel about going to conseling on your own? What about bringing your daughter, so she can understand better what is happening? It would at least give you someone to talk to. And if you go, and it helps you, perhaps she could be convinced....
[quote"> I spoke to one of our mutual friends (female) from long ago. Spoke only by phone - no meeting - but need to talk to someone. Told her last night and she went mental - like i was having the affair. how many calls, how many txts, what was in the txts, what did i say. So i think i messed that friendship up now. Seems everything i do at the moment is wrong decision. [/quote">
Cheaters nearly always assume that everyone cheats, so they are very jealous. They're looking for opportunities to justify their own behavior. OTOH, put yourself in her shoes. Would you really like it if she aired your dirty laundry to somebody you both know?
As for the message from the karate instructor, I would give her the benefit of the doubt. There's nothing intimate about that message, but it certainly does sound like she hasn't told him it's over yet. (Maybe because she's trying to figure out how to do it?) I would wait and see if there is further contact - I assume she doesn't know about the spyware, and it might behoove you to keep that secret a while longer. If there is more communication with no sign of closure, it might be time to call her out and ask if she's completely ended things with him.
Good luck my friend - keep us posted.
Re:Confusion reigns dulok68: OK, so update time for those that have been giving me some support thro' this community. We have some movement.
Discussed the MSN chat that she had with karate instructor #2 last night. She knows that I saw her on MSN chat so could not deny it, and I did not have to give away the fact that I have also 'bugged' the business PC. (She knows the home PC is 'bugged' and does not use it now.) So obviously, I did not mention that I have the whole conversation, just that I wanted to know what was discussed.
She is very worried about me because I have talked to an old mutual friend (single female) and she feels that I am vulnerable at the moment. On reflection, that fact that the 3 of us (me, wife, friend) used to do a lot socially together 15/16 years ago does not help, because she feels that back then I could not choose between them. The friend now has a very powerful job, is taller, slimmer (not that wife is fat by any way or means), blond, comparable good looks - was a major bad choice on my part to go crying too. Trouble was wife had laid down who from our current social circle I could talk too, i.e. her dad & her current (divorced female) best friend. This was because she (and I to a degree) did not want our current social circle to know what has gone on. The wife is a very attractive woman, and the last thing I wanted to do was to go putting up a flag that she has been unfaithful - I know a few of our male friends think she is a hottie as well - last thing I need is an advert that she might be available on the side afterall. So I still don't think I had much of a choice really. Too late - done now. So onwards with developments....
She swears that the MSN chat was innocent (although she did not disclose that instructor #2 stated he 'really misses her'). Reckons she met instructor #2 only once at daughters class, has MSN chat with him but has not txt him (lie! - I have the phone records - it is a business phone after all, and who owns the business and pays the bills? - doh!). So I am left with did she get bored/fall out with instructor #1 and start to move towards instructor #2 about 4 weeks before I found out what was going on with instructor #1?
Having said all that, she told me last night that right now, she does love me and would die for me if she had too.
She is still not happy about me pouring my heart out to our old friend, but has now suggested that we should get couselling, me a first as she does not believe it will really help her (so i guess she does not think she has a problem). But she will come with me and stay outside and maybe come in with me for later sessions. So looks like I better sort some appointments out.
Ended the night with a hug (nothing else in case wondering) which was all that was needed.
Still woke up in the middle of the night feeling physically sick - still feeling sick today. Have not called couselling service yet - seems like a major big step and it is hard to pick up the phone. Why does it feel like it is admitting defeat? Should I be able to deal with this on my own?
Still so flaming confused. Like being on a roller coaster this, is it not?
Re:Confusion reigns dulok68: OH JUST GREAT!
Daughter wants to know if she can go back to karate after her final exams (end of this month) when she leaves school. Had to tell her no way - I can't cope with it. Suppose I was asking too much for a 15yo girl to understand why she can never go back there. (She still feels I am asking her to choose between dad & karate) OMG.
No way on earth I will take her - I would probably lose it and have to have a go at instructor #1, and maybe even instructor #2 as well! I hate those 2 bar-stewards so much. Afterwards maybe my 3 sons could feed me something liquid from my hospital bed - lol. I'm just a singer in a rock band not a black belt karate fighter. Maybe I should hit him with a mic stand and run like crazy. Hmmm I don't think so.
And there is NO WAY I will let her mum take her down there.
Will not even let her go on her own - it brings them (the instructors) back in to our lives. At some point she will need picking up because it is pouring down with rain, or it is too windy, or whatever...
GOD WILL THIS EVER STOP PUTTING ME THRO' THE MILL
Re:Confusion reigns Chase: Hi Dulok,
First of all, really sorry that you're going through this. Reading your posts reminds me of how I felt 5 months ago when something a little similar happened to me. The behaviour of my wife in many ways was the same.. the anger at me - she equalled my anger towards her over her OM, with anger back at me for "invading her privacy" (I read her emails to him). Despite saying a few things about feeling guilty about what she'd done, she doesn't and hasn't done anything to indicate to me that the ball is in her court to re-establish our relationship. It's been incredibly confusing because she seems to expect me to continue to behave in a husbandly way, while she gets away with behaving in a very unwifely way.
So, your wifes behaviour in so many ways is similar to mine. Mine agreed to go to counselling only after I moved out, because my anger at her betrayal was making life too difficult on her.. and her answer to the counsellors question in the first session "why are you here?" was that she wanted us to be able to have an ongoing relationship only in the sense that we have to bring up our children. Nothing at all about rebuilding our marriage, or getting back together.
I'm telling you all of this because what I have realised gradually through these 5 months is that my wife is unbelievably confused. She is battling this sense that she no longer loves me/wants me as a husband.. but also the guilt that she has failed as a wife by her actions. (I'm being generous to her here). I'm pretty sure that my wife feels that she was justified in seeking a relationship with another man because she no longer felt "in love" with me, and she was unhappy with our marriage. So she's steadfastly refusing to capitulate and throw herself back into a fully fledged relationship with me. But on the same hand, she doesn't want to say it's all over - because she just doesn't know.
It took me 2 months at least, before I could get my mind back together enough to actually achieve any productive work. I also work in IT.. and as you probably know, it's brain work.. and if your brain isn't in gear, there's very little you can get done.
Can I suggest you have a look at this site:
http://www.trans4mind.com/positive/index.html
It was instrumental in me building up the capacity to function again after all the crap I went through.. the inability to concentrate, the sudden and huge weightloss, the knot in the stomach.. the problems sleeping. I'm not big on "self help" stuff, but this stuff - at least - doesn't try to get you to buy stuff, and there's a lot of sensible stuff in it. Maybe it will be helpful for you to?
I really hope things can get better for you!
Chase
Re:Confusion reigns dulok68: Thanks for the link. Will defo use it.
[quote"> It's been incredibly confusing because she seems to expect me to continue to behave in a husbandly way, while she gets away with behaving in a very unwifely way.
[/quote">
Yes - exactly....says she hopes we can be strong and build it better than before. But sometimes I wonder how it will ever be better? It will never be the same I know that. She used to say I held her on a pedestal, well the pedestal is well and truly broken, don't think there will ever be enough glue to put it back to how it was. Do I really want to allow myself to worship her again?
I feel like she sometimes carries on as if nothing happened. When I told her about talking to our mutual friend (I will call her "L" for now) she honestly thought I was over it and could not understand why I needed to talk to someone.
[quote"> I'm pretty sure that my wife feels that she was justified in seeking a relationship with another man because she no longer felt "in love" with me, and she was unhappy with our marriage.[/quote">
Yep - again. I spoke to her current best friend (I'll call her "S" from now) the day after I discovered the truth and she told me that my wife had confessed all to her some time before last Christmas, and also said she had "fallen in love with me again". Which although being a positive, does say that she was not in love with me anymore. Boy did I know it.
I used to joke at meal times that she was not in love with me anymore, but deep down I was trying provoke a response one way or another, all I ever got was "ah - course I do and a little wry smile", no real affection.
I remember after a gig with the band one weekend towards the end of the summer, a woman had paid me some attention after we finished playing, and the wife commented the day after that she was "pleased for me that other women found me attractive" Pardon! That should have triggered every alarm bell, but it kinda just added another straw to the pile of suspiscion.
[quote"> the inability to concentrate, the sudden and huge weightloss, the knot in the stomach.. the problems sleeping.[/quote">
God I am so glad it is just not me - can't say how much this forum has/is helping me.
What makes me laugh is that she is now telling me how handsome she thinks I'm looking with the loss of weight. I was not slim before, but I was not a pudding either. Gone from about 14.5 stone to about 13.5, but it has mostly dropped off my face. Starting to level out again now I can start eating again. Still not sleeping though - might try some herbal remedy or something.
[quote"> I really hope things can get better for you!
[/quote">
I am at rock bottom now - I think. So the only way is up. With or without her - time will tell I guess. Working on it each day and will kepp posting my inner thoughts on here. I never thought I would do that! But it does really help.
Thanks for the support.
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