Heavily Conflicted Mesflicted: Hi everyone, this my first time on this forum. I going to speak freely about something that's been really bugging me. I had privously written this as a note to myself to help clarify my thoughts. I decided to post it here.
I'm not a cheater, but thoughts and temptations I have had...more recently. Why? my marriage has been a work in progress. Both highly religious, but we have differences, some big and some small. Sex has also been a work in progress. It's not fantastic, OK is a better word, but I really have no point of reference since I got married young. I don't think she puts much effort into it, though she thinks she does. Plus she doesn't take care of herself, appearance and health, at least she didn't, which leads me to the whys. She had a medical problem, one which I asked her for a long time to take care of. It was making me curious what was happening. She said she was fine, family genes, but genetically I hadn't noticed it before or heard of it. Turned out, it was bad, real bad, but only after we had a heated argument about it did she check herself out. She could have died but luckily didn't. In aftermath, we found out that she can't have kids. OK, its not the end of the world, but it really bugs me. I have a lot of anger. You see, I'm an only child, the last of my clan. Again, I've never cheated on her, and my will is pretty strong, thanks to my up-bringing, I guess. But thoughts of not having children, is really affecting me, which I never thought it ever would. The thought I can just find someone else that can have children is in the back of my mind and I feel like shit for thinking it, plus the whole "thing" just pisses me off. Hell, I'm a guy close to 30 years, hot blooded European man, with, what I'd say, a good market value. Genetically, I believe I have a lot to offer to my offspring. I believe I'd be a great dad. I don't know! I am willing to live the rest of life with no children married to my wife, and if I've given you the impression she's a horrible person, she'd not (we just have our differences), and possibly die alone (if she dies first), which also bugs me. We've talked about adopting, and the thought of "helping" a child appeals to me, but the child will still not be my flesh and blood. My lineage will die with me, not because of something that's beyond my control, but by choice.
Re:Heavily Conflicted Mesflicted: Also, lately, I've noticed my wife glancing at other men. It's not to say I hadn't noticed before, but now I "feel" it's different, and it's upsetting me. I know, I'd like to believe, it's just my insecurities playing on me, but I was never one to have these insecurities. I believe myself to be highly logical and have a scientific mentality, and I understand all the basic instincts involved in animal (including human) relationships, which leads to this fear I've been having because of her "glancing". She is a very maternal person, who has now been faced with the prospect of not having children. Her problem, which I'd like to keep secret, has removed the ability of having children, otherwise she is physically fine. Based on her and her family's personality traits, which can be summed up with "we are better and always right, and if not, we'll beat you somehow" (kind of a heavy conclusion, but they have their saving graces), and my knowledge of human and animal relationships, she will continue to conduct her life as usual; trying to get pregnant by me (and so will I), though it's physically impossible according to our doctors. She will eventually start to believe, or want to believe, that the reason she can' t have children is me. Please understand, I don't conclude things lightly, a lot of thought is put into this. Back to the basis of cheating and validate my conclusion, her family (large) has a cheating streak in their gene pool, and they know it, but "unjustifiable" denial to the point of ridiculousness is one of their traits, and apparently, one of my wife's also. Though I believe she has never cheated on me, she defends and denies certain family members who have. She will deny anything, small and big, if she desires, usually in defense of her families apparent flaws. Another example, one of her cousins is gay (he brought his boy friend to my wedding, plus he has a flaming personality), but she denies it at all costs, even though she knows I have gay friends. It's been almost a decade, and she still denies it, when other family member are not so keen on denying it anymore. Now, my family is definitely not perfect, and far from it. My family has a cheating streak also in our gene pool and I know it and don't care if anyone knows it; I use it as a learning experience, though none of it could truly prepare me for this scenario in my life. Back to my fear. So based on this (what I know), she will eventually blame me, subconsciously. She will not verbally blame me, because the physical proof will not support that thinking, and she is not one that likes to hear she is wrong (I don't believe anyone likes it, but she is very aggressive about it). This initial denial, will lead to large amounts of justifying thoughts to her, including the one I fear which I've seen used in my culture before and by people I personally know. That is using religion and superstition to justify her blaming me for her problem, which isn't the medical problem she had, but that she can't have children. She has never truly saw the illness she had as a the problem, it was the ability not to have children that only concerned her, where I was worried about her dying. But all this thinking will eventually strengthen her natural basic instinct to find a mate that will get her pregnant, though it can't physically happen. I'm concluding this with non certainty, but I have already experienced signs to believe my conclusion is possible.
Re:Heavily Conflicted Mesflicted: She has already started saying that God is doing this for a reason, especially after having an argument with me about something. She has asked me to check myself (my sperm). She openly said it would make her feel better that she knew it wasn't only her, and I understand that, but I also know she is looking to evidence to blame me, to justify some other thoughts. Again, her family responds highly to strong personalities (alpha males, almost text book), so to show weakness of that degree, and based on previous experience with her and her family, is suicide. I've also had the remote impression, based on conversations, that members in her family believe the reason we do not have children is because of me, so someone must be saying this. I don't mind if they think this to lessen the burden on my wife, but again, because of the level of arrogance and stupidity in her family (extended), it upsets me.
MY FEAR:
So what is my fear after all this rambling. My ultimate fear is that my wife will cheat on me years from now, after my market value has gone considerably down, and after I made a conscious decision to stay with my wife for all the right reasons, but eliminating any possibility of having children, and thus ending my lineage because I am an only child. I fear my "right" decision will be in vain, my lineage will end with me, I will die alone because I loved and trusted a cheating wife (which she currently isn't). I also fear, that this ultimate fear will lead to jealousy, conflict and ultimately itself.
I am heavily conflicted.
Signed,
Mesflicted
Re:Heavily Conflicted AmyMarie1972: It appears to me that the not being able to have children is a really big problem and that it is going to eventually destroy the marriage.
Is there any chance of surrogacy? Just another avenue that you could look into.
The thing is though that children, having them or not, should not be what makes a marriage work. To some it is one of the most important factors to others not, but your wife has not said that she doesn't want children, she is probably just as devistated by the news as you are.
The main question that you need to ask yourself is do you love your wife despite all of the problems?
You say that there is a chance that she could cheat on you why? It is not about genes, people who cheat can just be looking for a happiness that they think they can not find in the relationship that they have.
There is no justification for cheating I know. If someone is unhappy then instead of looking elsewhere they should try and fix the problems where they are.
Talk to your wife and tell her your fears. She is probably scared already that she can not give you the thing that you most want (a child) and this is making her act the way that she is.
I understand that you do not want to discuss the reasons behind why she can not have children, but there are always possibilities. IVF, surrogacy or adoption. Just because a child is not your own fleash and blood does not make it any less your child.
Talk to your wife properly about your feelings, and listen to her feelings. If she wants to talk about the options of what the two of you can do about having children then fine, but I would say that she really needs you right now and she needs to know that you want to make it with her. Don't let this destroy your marriage.
Amy
Re:Heavily Conflicted sheydp: Hi... heavy story... I say ask her to go to marriage counseling. Yes, she may take this as a sign weakness and end up cheating or leaving you - but if that is really true, isn't it better now than later? You have to do something to end the stalemate - and cheating is not the answer. If you love her and are willing to stay, you two must deal with this event that has changed your future life - together. Please. Before things get crazy (for yourself if nothing else, since at least you are having issues with the no children thing) get some professional help. Not being able to have biological children is a devastating event - any completely normal person would need help dealing with it. Go to counseling, save your marriage.
Shey
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