Re:Disbelief marfanoidus: So many things to say..... bear with me.
First off, of course your boyfriend blames you!!! He HAS TO BLAME YOU, because he knows if he holds himself accountable that he will find himself wrong in what he did. People cheat because its in them, and its only a matter of time until they do it. There have been plenty of people who have gone through far worse than he, yet remained loyal and honest to their companions. He's a puss/liar/deceiver/cheater/manipulator/scumbag - its who he is, and you now know it.
Second,
[quote"> My pain isn't just over a man that I loved cheating on me, but my future, my dream being tossed away as if it never mattered and for what???[/quote">
The sooner you accept this, the sooner your healing will be complete. The picture you had of your future is now destroyed, laid waste, in ruin. In its ashes though, lies the opportunity for you to rewrite, redefine, and reshape your future. A future without him and his lies and cheating. A wonderful thing indeed! Consider yourself lucky that you found out now, before marriage and kids were involved, more years were wasted, and you escaped without diseases. Heck, he did you a favor by not wasting more of your life.
Third, do not think he will change. People can hide who they are for a while, people can pretend to be something they are not for a while, but people rarely change deep down in who they are. Religion and having kids can do it, but getting caught doing something stupid and having to pay the consequences is rarely sufficient motive for genuine change in a person. How many of us drive the speed limit ALL the time now because we got a speeding ticket in the past??? The desire to speed is still in us, we're just a little more careful about doing it. And so it is with cheaters - it is in them, it is who they are, and its just a matter of time until they do it. It is inevitable (imo). Cheating in a marriage is identical to cheating on a diet - if the person is capable of cheating on it, its only a matter of time until they do.
Fourth, who gives a flip if he is being played by the stripper? Who cares???? What does it matter for your future? NOTHING. Don't you realize that she is simply the vessel through which both you and he experienced life-defining and life-altering moments?? As far it comes to you, thats her impact on your life. And don't think she stole him from you - he was never fully yours to begin with. All she did was cause him to demonstrate that he never loved you more than he loved himself.
Fifth, let him go. Be thankful for the good times. Learn from the pain and the loss, embrace those feelings and emotions for what they offer you, but no more than that. Choose to not allow the pain and loss to define you, nor your present, nor your future. Don't focus on "what you did wrong", what could have been done differently(doesn't matter anyway). Your mistake was choosing a man who had it within him to cheat.
Big deal, life goes on.
The picture of your future can be reforged, and you can continue down the path of your life with a smile of anticipation for the future. Its a gift.
good luck to you,
walt
Re:Disbelief natas: Hi Charmed,
I am new here....signed up last night. I can't offer much to you but I want to say a few things to you.
First off the striper is playing him. Your BF is either confused, bored of the relationship or afraid of commitment. I say this because of his actions. It seems as though he is seeking out to try and ruin the relationship. What has caused this is something you need to find out if possible. You never know, it could be good that this has happened. Deep down you may already know why he is acting this way.
You have a few choices the way I see it. You can either sit around and let him go. You could wait it out and let him get this out of his system (and trust me this whole stripper thing won't last), or you could confront him about it all and say whats up.
If everything you say about your relationship before all of this is true then I can only come to the conclusion that he is afraid of commitment.
I wish you the best of luck. I myself am going through a similar situation as you. I had a great relationship with my gf, its gone and now its killing me.
Re:Disbelief charmed: Thank you all for your responses. They help tremenduously!!!
I do understand that it's probably best and be thankful I found out he is a cheater before we went further. But, what astounds me is that I've been around many men in my lifetime, whether on a personal basis or otherwise and I know my boyfriend was far above most any I'd ever met in the way he treated me, his character, etc. He was truly different and I know this has been said a zillion times by women that are heartbroken and want to turn their relationship into something that it wasn't. But this is not the case with me. I had my eyes wide opened!!! This is why I'm so deeply hurt and confused.
The OW isn't the issue and I agree that she was only the vessel. He remains that they are just friends. He wasn't seeking substance, but he was seeking "something". He is a fool to tell me that he was getting from her what he was lacking from me. We communicated greatly, but he said we weren't in the end. That's BS. He had the choice in talking about anything and he knew I was willing and able.
I still haven't replied to my boyfriend's letter and don't plan to. It didn't warrant a reply. In that one email he turned our entire relationship around with things he NEVER brought up. He only brought them up AFTER he was busted. He claims the problems we had are what led him there. Wouldn't the better choice been to have talked to ME? Honestly, there were NO apparent problems of any significance (from his end) until he met this girl. None were mentioned!!!
I do agree that this is an opportunity for me to grow, to define myself and my future. In that respect, it becomes a challange and possibly a blessing. Still, it hurts like hell!!!
Again, thank you all
`charmed
Re:Disbelief charmed: Ok, I can let this relationship go but something that hurts is the little remorse I "feel" in my ex's ending statements-
I didn't even "sense" human emotion. There was NO reference to his appreciation of our time together, what I ever meant to him and NO "I'm sorry". This was at the end of his letter after placing blame on me more or less for his unhappiness and what led him to infidelity. Maybe it's just me :o
Re:Disbelief marfanoidus: I don't find it condescending at all.
In fact, it sounds like he is giving you a free pass to your future, because he has accepted accountability for his actions.
Although, you know him better than any of us.
And, it could be the beginning of a little pity party for him in his mind.
But, whatever, it doesn't sound condescending to me.
walt
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