Re:The what if's and if only's LostTeacher: you really do have to believe that there is nothing you could have done. i talked myself blue in the face, professing my love for him, telling him i would never have left, no matter how bad things were, that i would have done anything to make it work. but why should i be putting that kind of effort into a relationship that obviously didn't mean the same to him. it's not fair....we are all in relationships that have turned out to be unfair. but we can't let this control our lives.
as hard as it is to imagine (and believe me, i don't quite see it like this, but people have told me), there is someone out there for you. you will find them when you are not looking. but you can't even be open to possibilities unless you can let go of other things. letting go of the hope is one of the first things. i don't have the hope anymore.... i miss him like crazy, and i miss the old relationship we used to have....but i sure don't think i am going to get it back, and there is nothing i can do about it.
Re:The what if's and if only's jt5639: Yes, the hope.
I don't hope for what we had. But I do have hope that he'll realize he screwed up and come back :(
I hate that I have this hope. So, now when I have these thoughts, I tell myself that it's not going to happen, it's over, he's not coming back, etc.etc. Hopefully this tactic will eventually work.
jt
Re:The what if's and if only's browngreen: JT,
WEll, a long time ago when my H and I were just dating, but had exchanged I love you's, he started talking about how he wanted to just travel around and surf, and that he felt like he was missing out because he'd never been just single and had never just dated around, casually or whatever.
I was stunned. Here I was, already wanting to marry the man, and he's talking about surfing dreams and dating around.
I swallowed hard and accepted it. I told him if that's what he wants then he really needs to go for it because I don't want him if he's not lived, if he feels cheated, if he's not a whole person.
I told him I had dated around and knew enough to know what we had happens once in a blue moon, but I understood if he needed to figure that out for himself.
I said "I can't guarantee I"ll still be here tho because I want to get on with my life".
I was so mature!
He saw the light. And gave up those dreams of wild oates to sow.
And you know what? Even tho I had dealt with it reasonably and even tho I didn't give him an ultimatum or whine about it, even tho he made up his own mind about staying with me... the dream never fully left him.
So I made sure we got to surf a lot on our honeymoon, and that he could see he didn't need to be single to sow oates, but I know it wasn't the same. He didn't hang it over my head or anything, but when we were talking about splitting up, the prevailent theme was that he hadn't been ready to settle down when we got married.
-- anyway, that's my experience with this. I have no what if's about this, but it still didn't work out.
AG/bg
Re:The what if's and if only's marfanoidus: [quote"> i think it's like a curse word, because i go through this all the time in my mind, and there is absolutely nothing i can do about it.[/quote">
If there is nothing you can do about it, what is the point of mulling it over in your mind? You already have the solution, yet keep going over the problem.
Could we have done things differently? Sure, all of us could have. Some could have yelled more, some less. Some could have tried shaking sense into their parters, some could have provided more space. Some of us loved our partners more than they did us, some of us didn't appreciate them enough.
Just because we might have done something differently with our exes, what does that have to do with our futures without them? Thinking about how the past could have been rescripted....until there is such a thing as a time machine, such thoughts are a waste of time.
All we have is this moment and the hope of tomorrow. The past can only provide 2 benefits:
1) remembering the good times;
2) learning from the unpleasant times.
Life is a journey, a path. Sometimes, the paths of others crosses our own for a time. Sometimes our paths are calm beside still waters, other times they are fearful. Sometimes we have to fully and completely say goodbye to one chapter before a new chapter can truly begin. All we can do with the past is learn from it, and then take its lesson and move forward in life.
When you're driving down a road, what percentage of your focus is spent looking ahead, and what percentage is spent looking behind you? Why is that? Because we make better drivers when we're looking at what's headed our way. And its the same way with life.
Its hard to move ahead when we're looking behind.
The funny thing is, so many of us look back wondering what we could have done differently, because we think it would have changed the present moment. Maybe it would have, but maybe if I would have bought 2 lottery tickets instead of 1, I would have won it. The 'what ifs' are infinite, and almost universally negative.
Which matters:
1) What we could have done differently in the past to change the present, or
2) What we can do differently in the present to change the future?
When #2 sinks in, the habit of #1 seems to diminish on its own.
good luck to you all,
walt
Re:The what if's and if only's jtim10: Great post Marf. You make some very good points. Nobody is perfect and 99% of the time it is not just one person doing all the damage to a relationship. Dwelling on what you should have/could have done or said is pointless!! Same goes with dwelling on what they done wrong and what they should have/could have done. But even with that knowledge we all still go there sometimes, it's human nature. Learn from the past so that you don't repeat the same mistakes. We can't divorce ourselfs, you have to live with you! Why beat yourself up???
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