We might not be divorcing browngreen: OK-- briefly:
We met 15 years ago. We were just friends then, mostly. We were both 19.
We were 30 when we reconnected in another town, of our own accord. We fell in love in a jubulant, most amazing way I can imagine. Although he wasn't looking for M, he asked me to marry him because he knew how important it was to me. He didn't want to lose me, and figured the rest would fall into place.
It didn't fall into place for him. We had a horrible time for a lot of it. Walking on egg shells. Meanness. Yet a lot of fun, and a lot of really intense love still in the air. Just unharnessed. He says now he was so afraid of losing me that he pushed me away.
Seperated December 04. I moved 2 hours away with my son (not my H's).
WE've been planning on getting divorced. When I first moved here it was emminent and seemed inevitable.
But neither of us has filed yet. And it's been 6 months (or nearly).
We have only talked a hand full of times since I left.
Last time I was at his house, I found condoms. He said they were just in case, more of a symbol than anything else.
Nevertheless, it seemed like time to move on. A man here was interested in me, and after expressing his interest in me for a long time, and after not hearing from my H for a long time, I began to date this man knowing I'm still married and that he would be leaving early May.
So, I dated him for 3 weeks and we were sexual.
It made me sad, made me miss my H, made me realize I don't want the divorce because what we have is so special.
I saw my H yesterday, and he said the same things.... doesn't want a D, still loves me, and wants to be my friend... sorry he stopped being my friend.
We hugged and are taking it slowly, just as friends.
I know I have to tell him about the man I dated, even tho it's over, and even tho it wasn't anything that could even compare to my H. It's a huge risk for me to tell him because he's going to be hurt.
But if all we are is friends, he needs to know me. And if we are to be more, then he needs to know.
Right?
But how can I tell him? Is it wrong to wait for more of a sign from him?
To wait a little while for more contact? Or should I just tell him now?
If I tell him now, how should i tell him? A letter? Call him? Go there this weekend and tell him in person? Email?
ANd is it enough to hint around about it on the basis that #1 at the time I beleived we would be divorcing, #2 that it was meaningless #3 that if it meant anything it made me realize how special my H is. #4 I beleived I needed to date someone to move on, and moving on was soemthing I thought I had to do.
IN some ways, I feel super nasty about it, and don't want the secret. Even if we're just going to be friends, I don't want the false pretenses that I haven't been with anyone since him.
On the other hand, part of me feels like it's my own private business. I don't tell all my friends who I sleep with....
But mostly, I don't want to tell him because I don't want to hurt him. It's the last thing I want to do now, especially as his friend. I've already seen him hurt enough, and afterall, he never did get to date around.
But maybe it's OK that we're different this way? As long as I give him the decency and respect of telling him.
???
Feeling yucky,
AG
Time heals, perspectives are gained, he's not really a violent jerk.
Re:We might not be divorcing jillieb44: If I were to get back with my ex, would I tell him about the ex-new man I slept with one time? Hard to say; at this point I'm thinking not, it's over, won't get back together, the relationship never got off the ground, so to speak. The ex knows nothing about this man, neither do any of my friends/family. No way for word to get back to him.
OTOH, the friend he knows about, we've not been sexual, but hugs and cuddles and brief kisses (nothing passionate, more friendly, I dunno exactly). Yes, I'd tell him about that.
But then, I'm not in your shoes and might feel differently if I were.
Jillie
Re:We might not be divorcing hudson: Hey bg,
I commented in your unsent letter post. Good for you! I know it's what you've really been wanting. And now you and your husband have a chance at a second shot. Don't rush things though, just let them unfold naturally, and don't act desperate. I'm really happy for you though.
As far as the extramarital thing. That's tricky, being that you were technically married when it happened. But, either you H will understand or he won't, but be honest with him.
I wish you the best. Take care you.
Re:We might not be divorcing jen: AG~
Big hugs to you! I am really happy for you that it seems like you and your husband will have that second chance you've been wanting.
I am with blazin' on this one. I think honesty is really important if you are going to build a new trust and get to the point where he knows the *real* you - all of you.
Good luck!
mtmo
Re:We might not be divorcing sourpuss: i think you should give this some time. find out if the 2 of you will be "friends" or if this will lead you back together.
if the topic arises in the course of things, i wouldn't lie, but i don't think you should sit him down for a dramatic "there's something you must know".
and when that moment comes, be honest, be kind. remember, you believed you were headed for divorce at the time, and obviously (condoms) so did he.
good luck.
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