Re:We might not be divorcing timetobefree: BG,
First of all, I am so happy for you that this might work. I read your posts and it just sounds like you two have an amazing connection.
Now, realizing I am not a man, if I were your hubby in this situation, I would want to know about the other guy. And I would want to know all these beautiful things you have been writing here. For me, to know that this situation gave you even more perspective on how beautiful our connection is, how amazing I am, how much it made you miss me/us, I would not necessarily be happy that it happened, but I would be happy that it had given you so much perspective. Does that make sense?
Overall, you know him best though. Everyone has different ideas, but for me, once the marriage is over in our heads/hearts, I was free. Even though legally I was still married, we weren't living together nor were we functioning as husband/wife. Others feel until you are legally divorced, you should remain as husband and wife and not see anyone else. No one is right or wrong, it just really depends on your take on it.
Best of luck,
Amy
Re:We might not be divorcing fogbud: Does it really matter? If you love each other then does it really matter at all? Tell of course if then they dont want u or u dont want them then you really did not love each other in the fist place. But this does not mean they want get mad.
Re:We might not be divorcing browngreen: Fogbud,
LOL
Does it really matter? You ask.
for some reason, the thought that no, it really doesn't matter because we seemed to be divorcing, regardless of not having the peice of paper or not, I felt divorced in my head and heart.
I felt like it was time to move on.
I don't think it matters. It doesn't matter to me, and I'm the one to engaged in it.
But there used to be this weird "fairness" streak in our relatinoship. Maybe it won't be there anymore, if he really is changing, then no, it won't matter at all even tho it wasn't "fair".
I'm relaly beyond loving him with jealousy in my heart. I don't need to posess him. I'm not insecure that way at all anymore. As long as he comes home to me, so to speak, I don't care if he laughs wiht other women or golfs with one. I trust that he won't cross any lines, and can keep it in control.
I just now had the epiphany that what I did was OK to do becuase how could I have known. Sure I was lying, but only to myself about being ready for someone else.
That's my own deal.
What it's going to come down to is in the past when he's been hurt, he's lashed back either by doing something similar, or by reminding me, repeatedly, and forever, about the lame thing I did.
But if this is going to be a new relatinoship, he won't do that, right?
ANd if he does, then I have the choice if I want to put up being treated like that again (I should be allowed to make mistakes without them haunting me forever)....
Hmmm... Maybe this is a test for us to see if things really can be different? If they can be open, accepting, and forgiving.
Because that is the environment I really want and need to be in. Not one where I have to worry about how what I do hurts my H, and/or jeopardizes my M.
HGe says he wants this too-- openness and communication and honesty. Hopefully by now he understands that to have that, things need to be recieved and spoken in the name of communication with the intent on it bringing us closer-- no matter how much the truth hurts.
OK-- am I wrong about this? I think he's allowed to have an emotional reaction, but I also think he'll have to come around to seeing it as no big deal and being glad I told him the truth before we got too carried away with being married to each other again.
Maybe it IS too late for us. But how is that decided?
It doesn't feel too late for me, if he can accept this. He knows that in a committed relationship I'm more than faithful. He has known me for 15 years and knew me in my R with my son's dad-- who cheated on me all the time-- and I was faithful even to him, just because i'm a faithful person. He knows I was faithful to him in our M.... come to think of it, this really shouldn't be much of a problem.
So, fogbud, thank you. Maybe I'm feeling remorseful and need to be because it is a lie I had to myself, but I think you're right. It doesn't really matter.
Or am I deluded now?
AG/bg
Re:We might not be divorcing hudson: Bg,
Relax and take it slow. Just let things unfold. Don't dwell on this because it sounds like it's really dragging you down. You've been doing so well in the past weeks, this is not worth regressing over.
You and your husband have work to do and it's not all going to happen overnight.
Take it easy girl...you've overcome a lot and you will overcome this.
Re:We might not be divorcing browngreen: Hey Blazin'
Thank you for all your help. You're right, I have been doing better, and this is throwing me for a total tail spin. I should concentrate on how great it is to have this new information. Not on how something dumb can possibly ruin it. I really didn't expect him, ever, to regret wanting to divorce me. He's been so hell bent on it practically since we got married.
A lot like your wife-- he worked on pushing out.
I think you and I are in a lot of the same situation wiht this, huh?
Because then there was P who was working on getting in....
and neither of us were ready for that because we love our spouses still.
I tried, I really tried to move on. BUt even in that, I tried to move on wiht someone who was only in town for a few more weeks and so it had to be a short term relatinoship.
There was a thread a while back on dating and single life about being in a new relatinoship and how it can help you heal from the divorce, esp with someone who's been through divorce as well so you can help eachother heal, and I felt in my bones that that was not a good idea. Even if you were both honest about how you felt about your respective spouses, it felt like a bad idea for me because I wouldn't be at my best, the new person would be getting to know only a shell, and even if we were helping each other heal, the way I am as healed person is energetically different from the way I am in times of regrowth, so... once healed, who's to say they would still like me, or I them?
Also, I just didn't want a relationship based on healing from relationships because it seemed to be asking for something to heal from as a premise to build on.
But it's like in considering all of that, I talked myself into trying a relatinship to see if it would help me let go. BUt I really thought my H already had.
THe other day at his house, as he was puting air in my cruiser bike's tires, he said "So guess who's pregnant?" and I said "I don't know....Your new girlfriend?"
and I was half serious.
He laughed and said "That's a good one!" and added "No, It's S and j. Guess who's getting married?"
and I didn't make a joke about how he probably has marriage plans already.... It's weird, but I FULLY expected this sort of news. Maybe not this way, but he said he had something he wanted to talk to me about and I figured it was either that he's going to tell me he's gay, or that he's seeing someone new.
I really didn't expect it to be that he doesn't want the divorce/or isn't sure.
You never know what can happen. BUt I think if you had real love before, you'llhave it again. Hopefully with someone worthy.
I also think the connection has to be there, but so do other things, like open communication, and acceptance. I once heard someone say that M gives you lots of practice flexing your forgiveness muscles, so that, eventually, you forgive eachother for everything and more easily.
I'm not sure it works exactly like a muscle, but I can see it as something my H needs to work on. He's very sensitive (or was), and I love him anyway, but it made being an imperfect person in his life difficult at times.
AG
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