all of a sudden she's unhappy with herself and marriage Ilosther: :o
My wife last saturday told me she doesn't THINK she wants to be married anymore. She says she's not happy with herself and has lost her identity. She has regrets of not doing things earlier in her life and says we have nothing in common. She says we are moving in different directions. She doesn't know for sure what she wants, but she doesn't think she'll find happiness in herself with me. She was almost 100% sure she wanted to be single again.
I was SHOCKED, HURT, MAD, SUICIDAL, EVERYTHING!
Ok, here's the whole background. We dated for 7 years, lived together after college, got married, bought a house, and got our careers. She struggled to get her tenure has a teacher, but once she did, I was so proud of her as she was too. Even though it was a long a tiring process being a special ed teacher (tons of crying in the beginning and lots of lesson plans). We had a son almost 2 years ago, she stayed home for a year, putting her tenure on hold and possibily at risk. We decided to sell our house and buy a new one, but that fell apart, no bc of us, but we ended up stayin at her parents house. She went back to work to get her tenure while her dad watched the baby since I've always been working. We got fed up with her parents and decided to buy a house almost 2 hours away and try to get jobs down there. Problem is that she loved her job so much she wanted to commute it, unless I find a high paying job and she'd be the stay at home mom. That never worked so we finally decided to sell the house that we never even lived in except on the weekend. So in May, we put the house for sale, she got her tenure and we knew finally we'd be staying in the area. She'd remain a working woman, I'd work, and our son in daycare. Things were looking good!
After she shocked me, I did recall her asking once or twice during this time if I was happy. I'd always say yeah, even though we were living with her parents and not doing anything but taking care of the kid. I guess I said that just because I accepted what we were doing and it would get better once we got out of the house. I also did not know that we could go out at night together.
so, she says we dont go to movies, the NYC, plays, we have nothing in common. yes, i dont like to go to plays, but i will go with her to be with her, but she says i dont like the play itself, what more can i give.
But she has no finite reasons, she says sometimes she does want to go clubbing or plays or whatever. I said, i'm willing to go. we dont need to live everything each other likes, we can go on our own or together. not enough for her though. she says she's lost her identity, no motivation. she thinks being single again (with a kid though) will make her whole again. when it will just make me empty!
now, her whole family and friends love me and love us together thinking we were the best for each other. we were both great in our careers, great parents, and great husband and wife. but honestly, our son was a difficult first year or so, plus all this added stress of job and tons of moving through houses to eventually end up in the house she was raised in and living right next to her parents who she so resents the way they raised her. so much self esteem issues and she resents that her parents stayed together just for the kids-even though deep down they still love each other, they just dont show it all the time. love comes in different forms, not just romantic physical and not just going out.
right now i thought it was about raising the child.
so, there are a couple people in my family and her mom and dad that think she is going through a type of depression, possibly post partum, even though it has been 2 years. loss of ID, guilt of not doing enough for me and her son, motivation loss, self esteem issues from parents, and i just holding on to a false hope? could she have really fallen out of love this quickly and as she says, since all the stress is gone, now she is thinking clearly, or is the stress really just clouding her mind cuz she is confused?
cont'd below...(sorry for long post)
Re:all of a sudden she's unhappy with herself and marriage Ilosther: (cont'd, again sorry for long post, just so complicated)
we are going to a marriage therapist this saturday. i'm trying to give her her space, but at the same time i still need to be near her, and have to be near my son. i can't move out since i have no where to go since we live with her family and mine is 2 hours away from my job and here. so when it got bad the last couple days i'd walk, almost 15 miles, and it sucks cuz i'd be away from my son and my wife that i thought loved me, but now doesn't know. she cringes when i try to kiss her. how could she have fallen out of love so quickly?????
do i have hope in this therapy? can it help save us? i'm willing to change and do better things even though people say I'm not the problem. Even if she is going thru depression, I'm still going to fight for this marriage even in the end she is happy and clear in her mind on this. Who knows, in the end, we'll find that we actually will like the way each other has improved after we have spoken so openly for the first time in our lives.
am i lying to myself?
help
Re:all of a sudden she's unhappy with herself and marriage So_Lost: It aint over till the fat lady sings!
Fight for her! Make sure she knows you are willing to work on it. I think going to MC is a great idea. It may help her to really open up and let you know what the problem is.
Re:all of a sudden she's unhappy with herself and marriage Ilosther: Does it ever work out?! I just started reading the posts on this website and it never seems like it works out. yeah people hurt, try to move on, but is there anyone on these boards that do make it work?
I'm not a nerd, I like the matrix movie (as did my wife) and I feel like I'm NEO, fighting the impossible fight, but one day winning it. Not to say I can't lose, and it's a game, I just can't stop fighting. I mean, even if we walk away, I'm eventually going to be better and now I know my lackings, I will be more worldy and cultured and maybe she'll be interested in that. who knows.
thanks for the replies! talkin really helps
Re:all of a sudden she's unhappy with herself and marriage So_Lost: It works out when both people want it too. Thats really what makes it happen. If she is dead set on leaving, there really isn't much you can do. I would try everything I could before that happens.
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