Re:all of a sudden she's unhappy with herself and marriage Ilosther: Thanks! I will try as much as it hurts to keep fighting, but yes, if I can't force what is not there-anymore at least
Re:all of a sudden she's unhappy with herself and marriage gumby55555: Hey Ilosther, I feel really bad for you, bro. I don't know if what I say will provide any comfort or help at all... please do take it with a huge grain of salt as it's really based only on my experiences and research. But, in my opinion, your wife is in a selfish and emotionally immature place. I think all of this stems from a stunted emotional, psychological growth. I've heard of stories that have successfully recovered from this but, by and far, they don't. They need the other person to reach some insight and growth.
I think there are also issues that you have; I was in a similar situation as you and I realized I had issues, as well. My issues were (are?) with dependency, self-esteem, and external approval. Luckily (?) my issues lead me to attachment and sticking it out; unfortunately, your wife's issues lead her to bolt. That whole "grass is greener", "I love you but I'm not in Love with you" (ILYBINILWY) speech is a bunch of immature crappola.
One day she will outgrow it (probably) but the crapshoot is exactly when. If she does it quickly, there's a good chance at reconciliation. If she doesn't do it quickly, your heartache and pain is increased. I'm sorry, my friend... it's not a good place to be but there's hope. There is hope. Just keep trying your best and keep on hanging on... all the best!
Re:all of a sudden she's unhappy with herself and marriage Chase: Hi Ilosther,
Don't lose hope, but don't hope too much. You read this board, and it doesn't look really good, but this board isn't everyone, and everyone isn't you and your wife. Every relationship is something that stands on it's own. You can read about other relationships, but you are only reading about other relationships. You can learn from them, but none of them are a carbon copy of what you are going through.
I recognise where you are, I've been there myself. There was an OM involved with my wife, but other than that (and I guess he was a symptom of what she was feeling, not the cause) her rationale was very similar to that of your wife.
Yes, I think you should fight for your wife. But fight smart, not hard.
You can't convince her to love you by telling her that you love her. That won't work, and it may well lead her to feel even more like she needs to get out.
Take this opportunity to consider yourself, who you are, and what you want, with your wife out of the equation.
One way or another, you need to move on from where you are as a strong and, most importantly, independent person.
Firstly, you don't NEED your wife. You may want her, but don't get trapped into the needing thing.
Maybe it would be worthwhile taking some time out for yourself, and giving your wife some of the space she wants. You need to be prepared to lose her, but if she is feeling the way my wife probably felt, she may need to be able to look at you from a new perspective to be able to really make up her mind.
I don't know what it is that causes people to completely re-evaluate who they are, what they are doing, and where they want to go with their life.. but it sounds like that is what your wife is doing.
You'll go through the pain that this sort of thing causes partners. You will feel anger, sadness, frustration and loneliness. I'm sorry for that, and it's not fair on you because it is pain that has resulted from someone elses decision not yours.
But it can be a positive, and try to keep reminding yourself of that. It doesn't have to be the end of the relationship, although it may end up being that. It will, however, one way or the other, be the beginning of a completely new relationship. And that may be a stronger relationship, or a more distant relationship.
I guess what I'm saying, from the perspective of someone who is 6 months down the track from you, is that (1) You can't give up hope (2) You can't have hope (3) the best way through is to make it about growing yourself. Your wife will go her own way through this, and part of what she probably wants is to do it herself, and without feeling pressured to be what someone else wants her to be. Whether this is a right or wrong way of doing things is not really relevant, but it means that you can only get her back, by finding out who you really are, and letting her see it, and maybe deciding that who you really are is what she really wants.
Chase
Re:all of a sudden she's unhappy with herself and marriage Ilosther: i do appreciate the advice, it is great and helpful, hurtful yet consoling. i am trying to give her space, but at the same time, what do we do about our 2 year old son? i don't want to be cold to her, but it hurts to try and take care of our son together right now. i walk the streets when it gets real bad, and that helps.
i told her this is an eye opener, we are strangers right now, but we might just like each other even more in the end. if not, we'll both be better people and we can go on eventually. I mean, I'm not egotistical, but I know I'm an attractive desirable man. strong? not right now, but i will be again.
I'm lost my religion for a while, but I'm trying to have faith in God, and myself. There's got to be a reason I was put in this situation. I didn't willfully and knowlingly do this for this to happen to me and her and my son. I guess I need to find that reason and I guess that's what everyone is looking for, whether the marriage works or not.
thanks again
Re:all of a sudden she's unhappy with herself and marriage BMS: If she is willing to keep trying, then don’t give up. You have more going for you than I do. I have to confront the lack of trust that in my relationship as well as her lost identity. I think that is important that you be careful what you say, don’t use her words against her. If you use the things that she is telling you against her, she will clam up and then you are back to where you were – no real communication. You also have more to lose than I do. You might not only lose the love of your life, but your son.
I believe that our wives’ problem is that the romanticism of being single is intoxicating. The more she thinks about it the more exciting it becomes. Especially since neither of our wives have really had a chance to live their own life. I remember how exciting it was to move into my first apartment that I paid for by myself. My wife never had that. She was in school for most of her 30 years.
Don’t give up. If she is willing to try, by seeing a counselor, then you most not lose sight of what is important to you.
BMS
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