Young Heart Ache gmcgurl1985: I don't understand you at all. When all this was going on you said that you never saw it coming. How could that be? You were cruel to me. You told me that every single problem in our marriage was my fault. MY FAULT. You told me I didn't think clearly, that I was to young and naive. Yor brought me down every single Fing day. You got drunk and called me a Fing B*tch. Yet you didn't see this coming? You accused me of cheating on you when you almost cheated on me how does that work? You disrespected me by letting that stripper, strip you and then lying to my face about it. You drink when we fight even though i told you how much it distrubs me especially with my dad almost dying from alcohol. You wanted me to change the very person i was. You wanted a cookie cutter wife. I don't even think you loved me. I think you loved what you thought you could make of me and there is a huge difference. But i guess i can't be to bitter about it I kinda used you. I saw you as my way out my salvation. I thoguht you hung the moon and the sun rose and set for you. Because when you met me i was so messed up i couldn't see straight. I was a drug addict, i had purple hair, listened to death metal music. Yet you were this perfect guy with your life together and values and i thought WOW he sees something in me worth while. So I changed, i quit the drugs, cut my hair, changed the color, took out my piercing, wore "respectable" clothes, became an active member of your church, joined the choir, tried to learn to cook, kept house, washed your socks, and gave you foot rubs at night and that still wasn't enough. I realize now that what you saw wasn't something worthwhile in me. Instead you saw the hope, desperation, and fear in me and used it to try to create the person you wanted. I'm sorry but i will never be that person. As i was saying i know now that i was using you too as a way out. My dad, a raging alcoholic, who knocked around my mom, called me a tramp and whore and a slut. I wanted out of there so badly and here you were telling me we should get married and start our life together. That you would chase away all the nightmares. Damn. You don't realize how much you hurt me. And now you sit there telling all of our friends and everyone who will listen that this is all my fault. That you have absolutely no blame in this at all. Thats crap and you know it. You were controlling and verbally abusive to me. I didn't have any friends, i wasn't allowed to go anywhere, and you forbade me to talk to anyone about the problems we were having. and this is all my fault. I just don't get it. I guess i never will. It's hard though to let go of our dreams, we were going to get a house and we had the names of our children picked out. I was going to be a stay at home mom, while you were in personal relations as a business man. Well i don't know what else to say. Good bye. I loved you once and i hope that you loved me too.
