3 years married, break up? greg512: Hello,
My wife (27) and I (turning 26 soon) are both married for over 3 years now, and dated 2 1/2 years before that.
When we met it was like a firework, and we wanted to be together forever (don't we all?).
After 2 1/2 of dating we wanted to move to the U.S. and got married because of some VISA related stuff (long story). Anyways, we didn't really plan on getting married after "only" 2 1/2 years, but we knew we wanted eventually, so we just did it without thinking about it.
So now we are here after over 3 years marriage and our relationship got stale I guess and we both developed as a person. I started going to college again part-time (business degree) and are trying to do everything to take care of our family. We bought a house, and talked about having kids in the next few years.
A few weeks ago we took a vacation in our home country to see our old friends and family again after almost 2 1/2 years. Since we're from two different towns we split up so that I can spend some time with my friends and she with hers. Turns out she partied a lot with her old friends, and even when we got back together at the end of the vacation, she still wanted to go out with them WITHOUT me. I wasn't happy, but I thought it's vacation and she should have fun.
Ever since then she wants to do more stuff on her own, like going out with friends without me. When I say that I would like to come with her, she asks me not to. She says she needs her freedom and we always do everything together, never alone. I was very hurt by that, I always thought that this what was marriage about...
Anyways, a few days ago we had a really serious talk again about this issue. She basically told me that she would like to be a Single again, and that she doesn't want to sit at home and raise kids yet. She says she loves me, but doesn't feel passion for me anymore, and that there's nothing I could do about it. And that it is not my fault, but hers. I asked her if she wanted to have a sexual relationship with somebody else, and she said that she just misses the feeling of being "in love" with somebody.
We would never cheat on each other, and I believe her that she will not cheat on me (until I am proven wrong). I would describe our sex life as not very satisfying, maybe 2 times a month, and I always have to beg for it. And if we do it she can't wait to get it over with. I tried to improve our sexual relationship, but she is not interested in improving anything, and the last thing she wants to talk about is sex. So she feels stuck in our marriage and I asked her if she wants to leave me. She says she said yes to this marriage and rather be unhappy staying in it than breaking my heart and divorcing me. She is just not too strong for it she says.
Well, to hear that is a pretty bummer. In case you wonder, I am already behind the stage of total devastation and suicidal thoughts, and can think straight again to a certain degree at least. Ah by the way, she says she doesn't want to go marriage counseling at all! That doesn't excatly help either.
So right now I am thinking about a few different things I can do:
1. Give her more freedom and not being so close together anymore. I do more of my things and she does hers. Maybe that makes our lives more enjoyable and she can re-connect to me again one day. That excludes any love or sex relationships outside our marriage, I am not up for that and this means divorce for me immediatly.
2. Since we don't have kids yet, sell our crap (house) and divorce and go our own ways. We could realize after a while that it was huge mistake or maybe the best thing ever...
3. Leave it as it is, she keeps living in misery, we have kids in a couple years, our marriage will be horrible and maybe even divorce later, but then with kids.
Option 3 doesn't sounds so great. Right now I am thinking about 1 and 2. Maybe I should try option 1 for a while and if its not improving go with 2.
I really love her and care for her, but I don't want her to live in misery! I want her and me to be happy! If that means we have to break up so it be! Of course I will be really devasted, but what's the point of her staying with me if she openly admits that she doesn't want be with me...
I am really serious about this, and I happen to have a good day finally after all these weeks of devastation.
Did anybody go through a similiar situation, where you eventually broke up "in good terms"?
If I think about it, there are so many things that I would like to do (going to college full time, going for an arts major instead of business) or travel to crazy places, all things that are good for ME and not for our marriage, but that I didn't do because I rather wanted to do things to help our marriage (working a boring job with benefits, not spending money on crap).
But now that I know she doesn't even want to be there, why bother wasting my life on this marriage?
Any thoughts?
Greg
Re:3 years married, break up? vonmon69: First of all, I definitely don't think you should just leave things as they are and end up having kids some day. I, myself, am going through some things with my husband, and we have a 7-month-old son. It definitely puts things on such a higher level when you have children to think about.
Second, there's not a whole lot you can do if she absolutely refuses counseling or working on making things better. If she had expressed any interest in that, it may be different, but I feel that with how she's acting you'll probably end up getting more hurt if you don't just leave her and let her do her thing. Maybe she just needs to sow her oats for a while, but do you really want to sit around and wait when you don't know for sure? You could be missing out on some amazing opportunities by doing that.
Stay strong, and worry about yourself right now since she's only worrying about herself.
Re:3 years married, break up? BMS: Greg,
I think that you at least have the right mindset. You have to think about what is important for you. And you are obviously doing that.
I know how your feeling, but my wife isn't sure whether she has feelings for. As for the house we bought 4 WEEKS ago, that is a major concern. Neither of us can afford the house on our own, so we must sell it, I just don't if we will be able to break even. Then after we sell it what do we do? Do we rent a place together, or do we go our seperate ways?
As for your decision, if you love her then I advise going with option 1. Option 2 is definitely out of the question. My wife is also hesitant to seek marriage counsoling, I don't have any idea why. She says she wants to try, but I don't see any action from her.
Part of the problem I guess is that I've already done some living. I have lived in different countries, learned different languages, experienced different relationships, seen exotic and interesting places; my wife hasn't. I'm at the stage in my life where I ready to settle down. I just moved back to Washington DC, my home town, after being gone 13 years. I have had jobs and made good money. My wife just finished her PhD and has never had money or a job. I've lived in downtown metropolitan areas and experienced the nightlife a major city has to offer, my wife has not. She is trying to find her place in life, unfortunately, I think she wants to find it without me.
My advice to you is try to give her some space while cohabitating, but when she starts coming home at 2 am or not coming home at all then it's time to leave. If she isn't willing to try then it might already be over.
Re:3 years married, break up? sourpuss: option 3 should be out of the question. don't bring kids into an unhappy marriage, it will only end badly for them
as someone who is going through option 2, even though it may turn out to be "the best thing ever", please consider it a last resort. even those who know it's for the best will tell you this ain't no picnic.
option 1 seems good, but only if the 2 of you can be very open and honest with each other.
i can't tell if you mean simply spending more time doing things socially without each other (which is a positive thing), or if you mean being "roomates" instead of husband & wife.
couples shouldn't be joined at the hip, it stiffles the spirit. a wide range of interests & activities makes you interesting, and if some are different from your spouses, it gives you something to talk about.
if you're going to be "roomies", i think you're in for a bumpy ride. and i think you're kidding yourself. pretending not to be married strikes me as a bad idea. brace yourself for the day she tells you she has "met someone".
there are financial and social, as well as emotional issues to consider. there a huge difference in the way we all make decisions when they are for "me" vs. for "us".
give her space, keep the communication going, and best of luck.
Re:3 years married, break up? tatortot0601: I am going through the same thing,together for 4 1/2 years, then married for 3 years but with a 3 year old and a 8 month old and my husband decided he needed to be 18 again, for whatever reason. We are seperated and I hope one day will reunite. My advice, give her her freedom, but dont sit around and wait for her. That is what I am doing now and it is so terribly painful. Have your live and if she comes back it was meant to be. It is hard, I know, but I lived for over a year with him going out all the time and me sitting at home and that was just too painful and it made things worse, I started to develop real anger for him b/c he was having this life that I was not part of. It caused us to fight a tremendous amount and here we are. Maybe if I had just let him go a year ago, I would not be here right now. You feel like it is a no win situation, I know. I would let her go and maove on, or at least give the perseption you are not sitting at home waiting for her.
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