Re:3 years married, break up? ChiefWiggum: Without cheating or abuse, I can't imagine just letting your marriage go.
My wife cheated on me and I have a hard time letting her go... so it definately will not be pleasant for you (or her either I would guess) if you guys broke it off. It's too bad she's unwilling to go to counseling. I wonder if you can probe that a little more... what (if anything) is she willing to do to work on things? I found some interesting stories on the internet about people whose marriages have been saved from counseling. Snoop around and read them, they're quite uplifting.
Good luck,
CW
Re:3 years married, break up? greg512: I would like to thank you for your feedback, it helps me tremendously.
I would like to add to my first post that I think part of problem is that my wife and I have two very different personalities, backgrounds and goals in life.
I would say my childhood was really bad, grew up in the city with no dad, my mom had so many problems (debt, alcohol, mental illness) that she tried to blame on me. I had to learn fast that you have to work for everything and how to deal with hardship on my own. I never had any emotional or financial support from home, one of the reasons that I left home as soon as I finished high school. Considering my past I think I turned out okay. I am used to rely on myself, and nothing seems to be unreachable for me if you just pursue it hard enough and have enough drive.
My wife grew up on the country (where everyone knows everybody), had and still has a stable parental home. For every little problem there was always somebody to help her out, no matter what she did. She never thinks about consequences! She hates confrontation and arguements.
She doesn't have a particular goal in life, maybe having a family at one point, but that's it. She doesn't have a career, and doesn't want one. She has no drive, she just lives day in day out, happily doing her thing, others are supposed to help financing it and making it happen. She never was on her own and had to take care of herself, and I think that is one of her biggest fears.
I mean, I am turning 26 on the weekend, have a house, she drives a nice car, I am pursuing a business degree to make more money later, she works a part-time nanny job unwilling to find a better paying job or maybe finally going to college, but then is still complaining to me all the time that she wants to go shopping and wants this and that...
Don't get me wrong, I am not a materialistic guy that only thinks money, cars, and career, I am actually pretty frugal. But you need stay realistic, stuff like cars and houses don't grow on trees, you have to work hard for that. Sometimes I get the feeling that she's using me. She certainly enjoys the life we have from a material POV.
Anyways, I don't want to bore you with details :)
I am willing to give it a try and give her more freedom, and I will tell her that I will not sit at home waiting for her, but will do the things that I want to do, but all that without forgetting that we are still married people. I am talking about social things, the roomie thing will not work for me. And then see how that goes for a couple months, maybe even giving me an inner deadline.
And if it is not working out for me, and she doesn't want to work on it, then I don't see another way than option 2. Kids are off the table anyways for me right now, there is too much uncertainty in our relationship and IMO kids aren't there to solve marriage problems.
I will do more thinking about this and seek more advice (looking forward to your replys) and talk to her about this in near future.
Again, thanks for all your advice. I will keep you updated.
Greg
Re:3 years married, break up? ChiefWiggum: I don't have 'em so I don't know first hand, but I've heard that kids introduce more problems into a marriage.
I friend of mine said "The only think I'd ever come to blows with my wife over is our son."
CW
Re:3 years married, break up? MidwestHopeful: Greg,
You asked if anyone had done the "on good terms" breakup and I wanted to tell you that I think it can work. It seems as though lots of people respond hoping that the marriage works. That's commendable, but not always doable. So, if that's not the way you're leaning, or if it's not the way you end up, I want to give you a little hope.
My husband and I had "the talk." I said I wanted to leave, he wanted to stay together. We talked about all the problems and decided to give it a shot. In the end, I realized I wouldn't be happy if I stayed and he realized he wouldn't be happy if I wasn't. With all that said, we decided to be friends.
We stayed in the same house for three weeks. We filed a joint petition for divorce and agreed on all the terms, not because we agreed necessarily, but because we didn't want it to get ugly. Now we've moved apart and we still talk on the phone. I won't pretend it is easy to do, but we wanted to salvage the relationship for what it could be and we have done that.
So if you get to a place where you "give up," and you're both willing to put aside your pain and suffering to make the friendship work, it can happen. You both will have to try to curb your emotions, not make eachother feel guilty, but also be very honest with eachother. You migth be surprised. Even the effort taken to salvage a friendship might be enough to convince the two of you that you could make a marriage work too.
Keep your chin up.
