I feel so lost... misscobi: Hi all... thank you so much for this board and for the support you all give to each other. I feel so incredibly lost right now and I'm hoping some of you have been there and may have some advice for me? Here goes...
Met my husband right after graduating from high school. We got along wonderfully and I do believe he is my soulmate. Things weren't always easy, but were not bad, either. We had kids fairly young. I was 21 and he 22. For whatever reason, especially as my kids got a little older I just clammed up. Looking back at the last couple of years I was an aweful wife. My husband was miserable, although I didnt' realize it at the time. I thought everything was "ok" not great, but "ok" and that everything would be great again in the future. He had thoughts of divorce increasing in the last 6 months or so. About a month ago he brought up that we had only had sex twice in the prior month and the current month wasn't looking so good, either. That's when it hit me just how numb I had been and how neglectful I had been to him. I was busy raising two wonderful pre-teens and just didn't see how complacent and well, neglectful I had been. I started making some changes after that arguement a month ago.... little things just kind of easing myself back into feeling like a loving, enjoyable, partner. Then last week, out of the blue, my husband gets an email from his first love. Even at this point I didn't think our relationship was in jeopardy, even though I knew we needed to work on some things. I did some more soul searching that day the email came in... realized what a truly wondeful man my husband is. Remembered all the good times and all the reasons I fell in love with him to begin with. He's only improved in these areas since we've been married and I fell totally head over heals in love with him again. We had a nice weekend last weekend, filled with love, laughter, and sex. I apologized profusely for the past. He began to tell me just how bad it was for him. I really didn't know it was that bad. All I could do was continue to apologize. He told me that he's driven by lawyers' offices and, while considered stopping, never did because he wanted this to work. Even though things are going well right now, he's afraid that I'm going to slip back into old habbits and he'll be miserable again. I can't blame him for thinking this. It's only been a few days. I reasure him that it won't happen, but now he's truly thinking of leaving. I don't understand how/why he didn't want to leave before, but now that I'm really trying to rekindle(sp?) the love we had for each other he needs time and thinks he may want out? I'm sorry this is getting sooo long. I'm just so lost and confused. Two nights ago we agreed that we're were going to try to make it work, then last night he thinks he needs time, then eventually agrees to just see how it goes. In the meantime he did write back to his x, although he's keeping me informed as to what's going on there, and there really doesn't seem to be anything to it other than curiosity.
I have no idea where I stand and if there's anything I can do. Is he trying to punish me for the bad years? Is he truly afraid to recommit, reconnect, and then be hurt again? Or is there more to this x email thing?
I've cried more... and loved him more(physically and really emotionally)... than I have in years. I'm so hurt, but at the same time I'm yearning for him like crazy. I know this sh*t is all my fault. I just wish he'd give me the chance to fix it....
Is there any hope?
Thanks for getting this far. It's helped me just to write it and I'll be looking forward to any comments.
Thanks...
Re:I feel so lost... sourpuss: no, not all your fault. but it's good that you see your role in it all.
welcome to ojar.
his reaction is understandable, like you, he grew accustomed to the dynamic of your relationship. if you truly have changed, even for the better, it is unsettling for him and he needs time to adjust to the change in the relationship, too.
give him time, give him space and keep being the person you know you can be.
good luck.
Re:I feel so lost... jillieb44: Also, counseling. He hasn't left yet, you've apologized, but an outside set of eyes and ears may be able to help.
Jillie
Re:I feel so lost... ChiefWiggum:
1. You have not convinced me it's all your fault. I don't think you can. You both are to blame for the way things turned out... so please don't allow him or you to place all the blame on you.
2. When things got ugly between me and my stbxw, I noticed a very strange phenominon. When I was sweet, she would be angry. When she was sweet, I would be angry. It was like a see-saw. It could not be coincidence. There must be some psychological reason why when one person is nice the other gets angry. Perhaps someone here on the board can elaborate?
3. I know you want to apologize and I'm sure he wants you to apologize, but that's not going to make him love you. (Heck, I want my stbxw to apologize every minute for her cheating). What about you was he in love with when you met? Can you show (demonstrate) that you have these lovable qualities?
Unless he found another girl, you have time to fix things. Even if he does leave for some "time alone."
CW
Re:I feel so lost... tigger: welcome
I have some very close friends who have had a similar situation to yours...... what seems to have worked for them is marriage counciling. It sounds like that would be a good idea for you both, an outside perspective can help identify and make you aware of things that aren't or haven't been clear. It sounds like you can't make it work.
good luck
tig
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