Re:I feel so lost... misscobi: At times he's willing to go to counseling and at times not. Last I heard he was considering going alone. I don't know, and I don't think he knows, whether he wants to pu t in the time and effort involved in counseling. One thing he said this morning is that maybe he should have just lived the next 8 years(time til' youngest son graduates from high school) being miserable. He's hating the emotional stuff that he's having to deal with right now.
God, I'm just sitting here reading the posts and bawling. This really sucks...
Re:I feel so lost... sourpuss: if he's thinking of going to counselling (alone or with you), encourage him. he's showing an effort, don't sell it short. be as supportive as you can. as long as one of you hasn't given up , you still have a chance.
and i'm sitting here bawling becasue my stbx HAS given up. hang in there.
Re:I feel so lost... misscobi: Thank you all so very much....
sourpuss, I'm so very sorry that your x has given up :'(
I will encourage him to go to counceling, even on his own.
We've been together for almost 16 years and I can't imagine life without him. (btw, yes I'm on the upper end of the age limit here <gg> I'll be 35 this year, but I just love the board)
Re:I feel so lost... cosettie76: tell him about how you feel about the x. tell him it gets under your nerves and makes the icky animal he doesn't like start to get all antsy for a reappearance. tell him that it hurts you...
oh, i hope things work out for you.. i am personally so nervous as i started making out with a complete stranger yesterday for no reason except that i have kept myself from telling my husband how irritated i am by his.. dismissive nature with how much i love to touch, and kiss, and hold for no reason
I have faith in you!!!
Re:I feel so lost... pluscachange: Misscobi,
Welcome to OJAR. :)
You sound a bit like my wife, and I a bit like your husband. Difference being that you are making an effort to fix things, you've had some realizations and are taking action based on them.
I'd give everything I own if my wife would even bother to try. You are to be commended for your efforts, it makes me happy that not all stories like this turn out badly, or at least have the potential to turn out well.
From a certain perspective, I know where your husband is coming from. As much as popular culture likes to tell us all that men are beasts and only want to "dip their wick" into the nearest available receptical, the truth of the matter is that men view sexuality with their partner (talking in a relationship) as a sign of acceptance, trust, love and closeness. If it were only about "dipping the wick" a guy would, at the first sign that he's out of the loop sexually with his partner, run and find another one. And obviously, this is not the path your husband has taken.
When a fellow feels neglected in the relationship for years on end, when sexuality and intimacy become back burner items with his wife, he gets the distinct impression that he is not important to his spouse. He feels rejected, lost (in his own right), hurt, lonely and frustrated, even resentful over a longer stretch of time. I know, I've been in that situation myself for a very, very long time. Now the typical answer is "But I'm not neglecting him, I do this, I do that, etc". But in his eyes, those things are secondary to his need for closeness. Guys feel emotionally closer to their wife because of intimacy/sex. That's why they want to have sex only with their wife and nobody else, because in fact it is about more than "sex", no matter what people might tell you otherwise.
Ok, that said, you are making efforts to fix that situation. Again, I cannot tell you how happy this makes me to hear, as my wife knows and still doesn't even care to help us (together) become intimate again. Your husband may in fact have a very hard time dealing with this though, and when he states his fear that you will revert back to "normal" patterns (no or little intimacy), I know precisely what he's saying. Once a behavior becomes ingrained, it's hard to see anything else as a possibility. He's become cynical, you could say, and it's going to take a very, very long time for him to feel welcome by you again. I mean, he did mention the thoughts of stopping at the lawyer, that's about as close to serving papers as you can get without taking action (in a guys mind).
I hope the two of you work this out, and others suggesting counselling may be the best advice on the thread. This hurdle may be too big for him (and you) to get over without some kind of help, some way of re-establishing some trust back into the relationship (neglect creates distrust), so that he (and you) can move forward and feel confident that the old patterns won't reassert themselves.
Sorry for the ramble, just thought you'd like the perspective of a guy who is in the same situation as your husband. :)
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