Marriage over before it even started Thinkin: Well, I’ve been thinking about a few things lately and thought I’d bounce them off you guys.
Last time I talked with my wife things were going good but I ended up saying that if she couldn’t be into it 100% then we shouldn’t hang out at all.
She also told me that within the last year things were crazy and that so much was happening at once and going so fast. “Not our marriage just life in general” We dated 10 years before we got married but it was over two months after the wedding. So I was thinking about what she said about all the stuff that was going on.
I walked away from my company due to partner issues
Took with me a large company debt since it was my credit that built the company
Bankrupted to get out from under it
Started a new company on my own
Got engaged
Paid for the wedding myself
Paid all the bills myself
She quit her job
She got a new job
She started to travel
A few friends pass away, mostly mine
Got married
I know there’s more I just can’t think of them all right now.
All of this in one year
So I wondering if the stress of all this played a bigger part in our wedding death then I noticed. I have talked with women who say that this could have been just too much to intake at one time and may have freaked her out. May have made her question what was happening with her life. I don’t get that to be honest, I feel I handle the bulk of the issues and stuck with it and didn’t give up.
Like to hear what the ladies think since I’m trying to get a women’s side of thinking. But men can input too.
Thanks again,
Thinkin
Re:Marriage over before it even started charmed: A lady's input LOL-
First of all I agree that she needs to give 100% but if you said it in the way you stated I feel it might have been taken in a negative way. An effective way would be- "I need you to be 100% commited to working on "us". I am willing to give my 100%, but I need you by my side" (or something like that) Ok, you may not have said it in the way I took it in text.
Ok, so you have went through a lot of struggles. We all do. That IS life, but in my opinion it isn't an excuse to let a marriage or relationship fall apart. You have to continuously move towards eash other despite the struggles. Sometimes one person is going through more than the other and vice versa. We have to be there for each other, but we also have to take responsibility for our own happiness and learn to rise above obstacles. A relationship is a partnership and together you can rise above anything. When the relationship becomes imbalanced by one partner not pulling their weight, there lies the trouble.
This imbalance can be from various reasons (or excuses) - laziness, apathy, selfishness, not listening, not communicating, feeling unwanted, undesired, compulsions or addictions that controls one person, etc. I feel you have to dig to the "root", but many don't know themselves well enough to even find the shovel LOL You have to know what you want, who you are in order to be in a constructive and long-lasting relationship.
My thoughts for what they're worth ;D
`charmed
Re:Marriage over before it even started Thinkin: [quote author=charmed link=board=1;threadid=12557;start=0#msg103472 date=1117754907">
This imbalance can be from various reasons (or excuses) - laziness, apathy, selfishness, not listening, not communicating, feeling unwanted, undesired, compulsions or addictions that controls one person, etc. I feel you have to dig to the "root", but many don't know themselves well enough to even find the shovel LOL You have to know what you want, who you are in order to be in a constructive and long-lasting relationship.
[/quote">
I'm not sure I follow you on this one, are you saying that this was my fault and I need to dig deep? I can see the selfishness part from her but I'm not sure who you’re talking about here.
Maybe you’re talking about relationships in general, if so, how does all that you talk about above, happen to fall apart in the course of two months?
Edit: Oh, I also didn't tell her the 100% part like I posted here. I posted the short version here.
Re:Marriage over before it even started JimB: [quote author=Thinkin link=board=1;threadid=12557;start=0#msg103463 date=1117753816">
So I wondering if the stress of all this played a bigger part in our wedding death then I noticed. [/quote">
It's possible. But it seems to me that it's beside the point to try to attribute something large (like the breakup of a marriage) to something small (like increased levels of activity/stress).
IMO, a big part of forgiving ourselves for the collapse of our marriages is accepting all the individual events that happened during that time. You rattled off a long list of stuff that happened, and any or all of those things might have "freaked her out". But in each of those cases, you made the best choice you could possibly make, given who you were at that time. You jumped at some opportunities, and let others slide. You dealt with the things life dished out to you. So did she. There's no point in asking yourself whether you'd decide differently if you had it to do all over again, because you don't. All you can do is trust your judgment in the moment and look forward, not back.
Ultimately, we all just have to be who we are, and hope that the ones in our lives who are dear to us can cope with that. If she's not ok with the decisions you've made, then in a very basic and important way, she's not ok with you.
Re:Marriage over before it even started WhiskeyGirl: Heres another womans point of view for ya......and I think its a good one because I am in sort of the same position as your wife is, although I dont know all the particulars of your situation. My stbx has recently started asking about the possibilty of reconciliation, he asked to go to counselling, I agreed and I am open to the "possibility" of us getting back together. We spend time together with and without the kids. Heres the thing though......I am scared....I am afraid to jump in with both feet, I want to test the waters first....go to counselling, spend time together, date, etc....with no strings attached. When he starts putting the pressure on me to be "in this" 100% I pull back. I dont want to be pressured, it scares me. Its not because I wouldnt ultimately want to live "happily ever after" with him, but because I am not ready to commit to something that has already failed once. I need more time to see if its really what we both want. I still date, I know that drives him nutts but if this is going to work he needs to back off a bit, give me some space to figure out what I want. I know this sounds impossible from your side but if you really want your wife back you are going to have to be patient. Everytime I dont feel pressured, everytime he doesnt freak because I already have plans, etc...I feel more and more close to him if that makes sense ??? It doesnt even really make sense to me but its just the way I feel. So if she is the same way....I wouldnt pressure her to be in 100% right away....you'll just push her away. Take it a day at a time as hard as that is and just see where it goes.
Now on the other hand though......if it really was all the stress that drove her out to begin with....thats not good either....I dont know about you but I want to be with someone who stands by me through the hard times, not just the good. Its those times when we need each other most. So you kind of need to ask yourself if, in the future, the going gets tough....is your wife gonna get going?:-\ Then you are right back where you started....I can see if the relationship moved too fast along with everything else, that might be understandable....but you said you dated for 10 yrs beforehand.....in my books thats long enough to be able to shoulder together whatever comes your way. Those are just my thoughts :)
Good luck to you! take it a day at a time and it will work out the way its meant to.
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