Re:Marriage over before it even started clambakesX: [quote author=JimB link=board=1;threadid=12557;start=0#msg103995 date=1117843448">
[quote author=Thinkin link=board=1;threadid=12557;start=0#msg103463 date=1117753816">
So I wondering if the stress of all this played a bigger part in our wedding death then I noticed. [/quote">
It's possible. But it seems to me that it's beside the point to try to attribute something large (like the breakup of a marriage) to something small (like increased levels of activity/stress).
[/quote">
It was hard to cut any part of JimB's post ... you know, just "Amen" to all of it.
I'm in a similar situation ... my ex and I went through a heck of a lot together, and now that things are going better for both of us and we've both grown and improved a lot, (AND he's discovered the dating world is no cakewalk LOL!), he's voiced the possibility of "us" being a good thing in the long run.
Well all that stress was probably more than most couples could handle, I stood by him like no one else ever did, and yes it burnt me out. He went through the tough times, too, yet he wasn't there for me even 20%.
But you know what? I was never in love with him in the first place. I just didn't have the courage to say Thanks but No Thanks, I didn't have the strength to put my own interests on the scale when making the decision to be with him.
So no amount of stress reduction will change that.
Honestly Thinkin, I don't get what your wife means, either. I don't know her side of the story, obviously, but I'm not hearing about big investments from her side. And I'm clearly a bit jaded given that my give-it-all approach got such a lousy return.
Re:Marriage over before it even started LostTeacher: i think what it comes down to is the desire to work on the relationship. sure, there might be all these other pressures going on in the world, but if the relationship means enough to you, you stick around and fight it through.
i used to think that the world just became too big a burden on my stbxh. that that was the reason he couldn't be with me. he swore up and down that there was no one else, that he just needed to be alone, etc, etc. cut to today, where all the seperation papers are signed, and now he is living with the OW. and i think to myself, i was played. life wasn't too hard for him, it had just taken another turn, and he was leaving me behind.
i don't care how hard life gets....if you are committed to the person you are married to, you stick by her/him. i don't understand how people see their vows as empty words now-a-days. they are supposed to mean something.... "good times and bad...." that is supposed to include everything.
so that's my 2 cents worth. :-\
Re:Marriage over before it even started NoEscape: Hey thinkin. Heres my 2 cents on what your saying. If the list of things you mention happened in any chronological order it sounds like many of the things on that list YOU had to deal with --seems like a lot of those things probably dominated your time and efforts which may have made your wife feel neglected and not appreciated by you. She gets a new job--has a new "friend" who probably sensed her dissatisfaction with her marriage(one thing some guys are good for) and he moved in from there.
However---your wifes EA sounds as unoffensive as an affair can get. No sex, nothing physical and she told you about it...so lets put that to the side.
Your wife isnt into it 100% because she is taking a "wait and see" type approach. My guess would be she doesnt trust YOU. I know you feel(as I did) that your wife should be begging forgiveness and be happy just that you are willing to forgive her. But the reality is that she strayed from you for a reason and I would think that she may not be so sure that those reasons are gone from your personality. That and the fact she doesnt trust the fact that you wont make her very brief EA a life sentence that she will always have held over her head. Best thing you can do is give it time....
and try to have some sex with your wife. See if emotionally you can both get past..."the past". I say emotionally because physically is the easy part! :)
Good luck bro!
Re:Marriage over before it even started riversandlakes: Guy's input here. If she loves you enough, that is not too much to bear. How about:
When she married him, he owned two million-dollar houses.
One night he came back with a broken leg. Stayed the night at home.
Next morning his "friends" brought him to an acupuncturist, INSTEAD of the hospital the night before. Destroyed his leg's nerves.
At the hospital, he met a young doctor, who proceeded to cut out both live and dead flesh from that leg. He can never straighten his left leg again, nor will the flesh ever cover the huge huge scars. His mom gave birth to him whole, but he shall be a cripple for the rest of his life.
He returned to his hometown. Sold both the houses, lost his business, and for the next one year she took care of him. In defiance against city council laws, bred dozens and dozens of ducks and chickens for him.
He left after recovering his steps; the cripple that he is.
He sold the house in the hometown to pursue some dreams, leaving her in debt with two small boys, and moved to another city 300km away.
He continues this on-the-run trend for the next man years, until the boys grew up without a father figure.
A few years ago he CLAIMED to be forced to marry else faced with statutory rape. A boy was born out of that.
She was very upset, she complained of her lost youth, time and effort, but never brought up divorce.
Until the time he ran away to Jakarta, on more dream-chasing, at a tender age of 45. She wrote a will, registered it, and filed for divorce.
How's that for "taking it for your man"?
Re:Marriage over before it even started mandie1105: Thinkin...hers another woman's thoughts for you....
All the events you listed in your post are what life is made of. All though you had a lot go on every year is going to bring those things and getting threw them together and stronger is what makes a marriage work.
I believe even after dating for 10 yrs...marriage just scraes some people. "Til death do us part" are scary words that "freak" some people out. By your original comment of her not being "100%" makes me know she loves you ad want to make you happy...but make sure she wants what you want before you accept her agreement of "us."
Hope this helps.
