Re:Does anyone get this? rhondam71: I think the "marriage is forever" is a nice thought/vow, but needs to be looked at realistically ...what if
your H beats you, sleeps with another woman, lies and cheats and steal under the influence of drugs and no amount of counselling will change it, is a bad father...etc....etc.
At what point is a person given "permission" to leave their marriagre guilt-free? I say it's a personal decision and that it can't even always involve the spouse (see above.) I agree to disagree, but "forever" should be a hope not a self-imposed status. I know for myself, that everyday can be a battle, but my H and I struggle daily to keep things going and that's all we can or need to do for now. If in 50 years from now we are in our rocking chairs next to each other, then that will be a wonderful thing. But at age 34 I am not going to stress myself, my child and my family out worrying that I must make it "forever" or else I let people/myself down. Life is too short.
Re:Does anyone get this? Lumpy: Dear Midwesthopeful,
There are no absolutes. Bottom line. The vows don't state "In misery and abuse,infidelity and disrespect, etc, etc." In a perfect world it should be forever. Needless to say this isn't a perfect world. There are exceptions to every rule. I do have a bit of a problem with referring to divorce as a "fix". To me it's like cutting off an infected arm as opposed to treating it. If it's gonna kill you you're left with no choice. But not having an arm sucks too!!
Re:Does anyone get this? MidwestHopeful: Thanks for all your replies. I didn't expect this "vent" to be well-received. To clarify on my end, I'm young, without children, and awaiting the final papers on a divorce that I initiated to fix my sorry life. Yes, (gasp) I initiated the divorce. And while he wasn't a cheater and didn't hit, everything else was wrong.
Many, many people are hard to convince that something is bad enough unless there is abuse. Like I said, divorced women start accusing you of not keeping your vows (again, key word in my analysis of that conundrum being
"divorced" <-- didn't keep her vows, stone her!). I did not leave lightly and I took those vows seriously and whole-heartedly. But as I said, what if a marriage is simply a mistake? Am I really expected to live 50 more years in a life I can barely breath in because I said some words to a man who could have meant "belittle" instead of "respect" and "chastise" instead of "honor"?
Maybe it's the modern feminist in me, but I agree with Jillie - why get married? I won't do it again, that's for certain.
While I can't speak to who is responsible when children are involved, I can tell you that if I had had them, I wouldn't have left - which is part of why I left when I did. But while many of you will respond to that comment saying if you can make it work because you have kids, than you can make it work period, I guess I want my life to be more than "working." I'd like to be proud of it and wake up with a smile rather than a scowl. I see enough scowls on peoples' faces.
History and society charmed us to the idea of marriage hundreds and hundreds of years ago when the churches were trying to control promiscuity and people were living for forty years. Marriages lasted only a few decades if that; a half-century requires a little more compatibility. Furthermore, I am not reliant on my husband's earning power and if I want kids I can do so out of wedlock - even without a man!
And while I've since forgotten the point of taking those vows, I was sad to break them. Like I said though, thanks for the replies. It's nice to hear what people think on a touchy subject, even if we'll never all agree. Variety is the spice of life after all, right?
Re:Does anyone get this? MidwestHopeful: P.S. Lumpy, I agree. It sucks not having an arm. I miss that arm. But it was getting really green and disgusting.
Re:Does anyone get this? jillieb44: I have kids, but I still left, rather than subject them to the ex's mood swings all the time, his yelling and ranting and deep sighs that let you know you were a moron he didn't approve of....no thanks.
If he'd gotten some counseling and medication, maybe we wouldn't be divorcing. Who knows? But I had to get my kids out of there for all our sakes. The kids are fine with visiting, but are much happier not having to live there (not always what they say, though, but I can see it in their attitudes at home with me...less fighting, more laughing, etc).
Jillie
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