I'm So Angry LostTeacher: This is the first time i am attempting to even start a letter, so i apologize now if this doesn't sound right, or if i just can't get it finished...it's 12:53am.
I am so angry..... that she answered your phone tonite when i called to tell you some personal bad news
I am so angry.... that you don't even seem to care anymore that i know, that you living with her (if that's what you are doing) is no big deal; even after being with me for 12 years.
I am so angry.... that i feel replaceable. that you are ok with it, that your family is ok with it, that it doesn't seem to matter what we had, it is so easily replaced
I am so angry...that i still feel like i am hurting, when you really stopped hurting me a long time ago
I am so angry...that i can't seem to let go....it's been almost 7 months, yet it feels like yesterday.
I am so angry.... that there is even a little part of me that wants to love you
I am so angry....that you have taken my dreams and given them to a stranger
I am so angry...that all i see in my head right this minute is you snuggling with her on our couch, watching our tv, petting our dog, in our house
I am so angry.... that my life has no direction any longer
I am so angry.... that my life is standing still, while others are having babies, getting together, buying houses, knowing where their lives are going
I am so angry.... that i don't know who to turn to when i need someone to talk to. i have friends, i have family, but they are not you.
I am so angry.... that you left me on my own. that you just decided for yourself that i was no longer worth loving
I am so angry.... that all i feel right now is an ache. i don't want to go to work, i don't want to talk to anyone.
I am so angry.... that all i ever really wanted in my life was for you to be happy, and i don't understand why that couldn't be with me
I am so angry.... that you have already taken up with someone else. was she there before? was she the one that answered your phone on that night? was she there when we were still together?
I am so angry.... that you waited until the moment i signed the seperation papers to make it clear that i was no more, that this woman had moved in and stolen my life
i am so angry..... that i miss you. some days i just feel so empty, and i don't know how to fill that huge void that has been made in the pit of my stomach (and no one understands)
I am so angry.... that no one understands. that they all say "get over it", but i truly and honestly don't know how. i am devestated, and heartbroken. and you did that to me.
I am angry..... that even after all this time, you are still able to make me feel like shit, like i don't matter, like i will never matter to anyone
I am so angry.... that i am angry. i am not an angry person. i don't feel this way all the time. and i hate you for making me feel this angry.
So.... somehow...... i need to let go of the anger. i need to move on.....not keep looking back like i do. i need to stop telling you things about my life.....because i have to accept that you are no longer a part of it. i need to not feel the love...........because the love is gone. but i don't know how to do it. i don't know how to not be so very angry, and so very sad, and so very broken by the things you have done.
I am just so very angry..............and sad. :'(
Re:I'm So Angry lily: Sounds like you have a lot to be angry about, LostTeacher. I know you yearn for this fellow, but objectively he really does sound like a creep.
Stay angry enough to use it -- use it to kill your feelings for him -- but not so angry that the anger starts to make you ill. If that happens, he's "won" and you've only made yourself suffer.
I hope you won't feel insulted if I call him a creep -- it's just a word I've chosen to make a point: try to see the "creep" as he really is; don't romanticize him. No real man, no truly good man, would be capable of the cruelty he's inflicted on you.
I know this sounds hollow, because everyone said it to me and I didn't really absorb it until I was ready to: you do deserve better. This is not a man you need in your life. This is for the best!
If he's with another woman, realize that he will sooner or later do this to her, too. Maybe even come crying back to you.
I finally woke up out of my fog one day and said, "what a whack-job this guy is! What was I thinking? He's nothing but a loser, an emotional cripple, and here I was practically worshipping him!" I haven't looked back since.
Stay strong, be good to yourself.
Lily
Re:I'm So Angry caligirl: I am so angry.... that no one understands. that they all say "get over it", but i truly and honestly don't know how. i am devestated, and heartbroken. and you did that to me.[color=Green"> [/color">
---totally understand how you're feeling---
try to take care of yourself---it's your turn, you deserve it.
((((HUGS))))) to you.
---xoxo,
--Cali
Re:I'm So Angry jt5639: Honey - I am totally with you. You had many more years and vows - so I can't imagine the extent of these feelings, but I feel I can relate. The anger is good right now - it is healthy. I hate being an "angry" person too - but we are not that by nature, so this will resolve itself. But like lily said - use it - it's a good motivating tool. Lily is so right - and I'm echoing this for myself too if that's ok ;)
You deserve better than this man who will so easily walk away and into the arms of another. I know it - I am in the same situation. We deserve better! Stay strong - keep the anger for awhile.
jt
Re:I'm So Angry LostTeacher: thanks you guys. these are the words that i sometimes need to hear. i have friends that offer some pretty good advice, but by being both of our friends, i find it hard to judge their words honestly sometimes. sometimes i feel that they are sticking up for him....when really i know they are not.
lily: you don't know how much i appreciate the things you said. i know that it's time that i dug down deep and realized that this guy is not worth my tears anymore. today was the first day in about 3 that i haven't really cried. and even though now, when i am home from the bar, and a little drunk, i don't even want to cry about him. i don't have someone in my life now, but i know that soon i will, and i will be better for it. i will be more healed, and i will know what to do with the situation.
it's just hard when you know that there truly is another person in their life, when all along they have been denying it, and you tend to believe them, because they were your husband, you best friend, your soul mate. but i guess soul mates can change.
thanks to the rest of you ladies for your support. it's time to start digging myself out of this depression hole, and it's about time.
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