Re:Is friendship possible? tara: It can, but my ex and I are probably a weird case.
Our marriage was pretty well dead a few years before we officially called it off, but we were great friends the whole time. Separation and divorce was an adjustment (changing living situation, doing all the legwork, etc.), but not a trauma as many here have experienced. It was long overdue.
Add that to the fact that neither of us is particularly sexually jealous, so seeing each other with our new respective SO's isn't a problem.
Oddly enough, it's similar for my BF and his ex...they're both seeing new people, and they're friends (more for the sake of their daughter than for their own benefit, but it's clear they do enjoy each other's company when they're not fighting). (This is also why my BF understands my friendship with the ex, and we have even double-dated with him and his fiancee.)
I think you can be friends if you're both 100% on the same page. Either the divorce was mutual (drifting apart/different life goals, in the case of mine; or, fight constantly when together, live relatively harmoniously apart, in the case of my BF's and his ex), or at least there has been forgiveness if it was one-sided. It probably won't work if there was betrayal and/or abuse.
ALSO: Both parties have to agree that reconciliation is not going to happen, and not really wanted. If one of you is pining for the other, it'll be close to imposslbe.
Re:Is friendship possible? Phyxius: ***Notice*** For the record, I almost didn't respond to this thread, but it hits way too close to home to just let it pass unanswered...
I too, have been divorced for quite a while now - about three years. My ex and I have had, for the most part, a good friendship throughout this time, with a few notable exceptions ;) . Now, however, I find that I can't do that anymore. I'm about to become a walkaway. 
For me, it's not about love - I still truly love my ex, and probably always will. It's not about friendship, money, Other People, or any of the traditional reasons for people walking away from relationships. No, for me it is about fear.
You see, my ex and I have fallen into a quagmire. Neither one of us has been able to truly let go of the other, and to be blunt, she hasn't been able to make any movement toward reconciliation. She's too afraid of changing what is, of losing her security blanket, to make a move. She isn't motivated to, because things are pretty much in her comfort zone. We can't move forward, we can't move back - we're stuck. 
For two years now, I've let things go on as they are, because my own greatest fear has been to lose her forever. Lately, though, that has changed. Now, my fear of spending one more day in this stagnation is even greater than my fear of losing her. Pretty pathetic, huh? 
The way I see it now is that we have two options - step up, or step off. I can't make her step up, so the only option I really have left is to step off. It's not a pretty option, and not one that I have come to lightly - I've stressed myself into walking pneumonia the past few weeks over this - but the way I see it, ANY movement, whether it be towards each other or away, is better than none.
FWIW,
Phyx
Re:Is friendship possible? Beren: MH, you sound a bit like my ex. It's possible that your husband is trying to be friendly, calm, and conciliatory, in hopes that you'll change your mind. When the divorce is final, it's quite possible that all the anger and pain he's repressing is going to wash over him, and you're going to lose him as a friend. Maybe it'll be temporary, or maybe it'll tear you apart forever. It'll probably be a long, long time before you two figure out what your post-divorce relationship is going to be. But, I guess if you want to make an omelette, you have to break a few eggs.
I've no idea what my post-divorce relationship will be with my ex. Sometimes I think I'd like to try to re-establish a friendship with her, but most of the time, I'd rather not be reminded of her. She was the most important person in my life for most of a decade, but all those memories are mingled with grief now. We will have a civil relationship, but I don't like our odds on becoming friends. I doubt I could bear it.
Beren
Re:Is friendship possible? hudson: hello mh,
My exw left me, I blamed myself fully at first, tried to be a nice guy, grovel, beg, nothing worked. She had turned her back on the very person she had vowed to be with forever, to love forever. If we are ever to be friends, she must redeem herself for betraying me, dishonoring me, and throwing away our marriage simply because we were not good for each other....hah! Not good for each other? Thanks for telling me that in the form of divorce papers instead of telling me before we chose to wed.
I don't know your husband, but if he feels anything like I do, he'll never be your friend. Sorry for the bluntness. Take care.
Re:Is friendship possible? WhiskeyGirl: Yes, I believe friendship is possible :) My husband left me and our 3 kids when our youngest was a newborn. I hated him for it. Hated him for humiliating me with a failed marriage, for the fact that he could just walk away and do whatever he pleased, leaving me with all the responsibility of the children, the bills, mortgage, etc. Never, in my wildest dreams, would I have thought we would be able to be friends. Frankly, I wanted him to burn in hell!! LOL Its been a little over a year now and we are now friends. We have three kids together and I decided at some point that we would have to get along for there sakes and put aside all the anger and bitterness. The whole while saying it was for the kids. But as time went on, I realized I missed his friendship, I enjoyed having him to talk to, we have alot of history together, alot of memories, I didnt want to lose all that. So now we are friends, not just for the kids, but truely friends. I talk to him about everything, including my relationships with other men, he does the same. It is hard sometimes but it is better than losing him completely. A huge chunk of my life, experiences and memories are wrapped up in him, its nice to still have that......mabey it is a security blanket ??? but it works for me and it works for him, and most importantly, it works for the kids. I suppose I could have held on to all my self righteous bitterness and pride, continued to be the victim of my own hatred and spent my life feeling justified and blameless......but also empty and sad. I think my way is better ;D so you betcha.....friendship after divorce is most definately possible....it just takes some time and some work, but its worth it.
