On the Live a Lie Topic chantel: I have been living a lie for 5 years and I am not proud to admit it, and I will admit I am wrong for carrying on this way. I realize its a weakness and within my control to make a change. I have sought therapy of all kinds and I know its a fear of being alone, and lack of confidence as well as support, that leads me to live this lie. It may sound old fashioned but I stay partly for the kids because I know I cannot afford to give them the quality of life they are used to if I leave. Also my children love thier father and I would feel guilty taking that away. On the other hand the abuse they wittness and the hostile environment which exists sometimes in this household is not good for thier development either.
Mainly I am too proud to go to a womens shelter even though I know it would be the best thing to do sometimes, I am afraid of being the "welfare mother" if I do need to ask for assistance once I get away. I also have no support besides the abusive man in my life. Besides him and my children they are all I have in my life. A therapist once told me even though you know someone is bad for you or bad to you, if they are all you have thats the good you see in them.
I guess I am sharing this all with you because I want people to understand why someone may "live a lie". It is not entirely selfish, though it may seem that way in some respect, The lie I am living is not for myself, I am the only one suffering in silence, My husband knows I am unhappy and preys upon my insecurity to keep me trapped in this hell.
I literally do not have the means to leave at this point, I am taking steps to, such as going to school to get a good job, am working part time saving some money, and I am a good mother to my children, they are the most important thing to me and I live the lie for them, I try to preserve thier innocence as much as I can. They are to little to understand what goes on between mommy and daddy and what they do see they dont fully understand ...yet. I cry, mostly ashamed, I want to scream out, seek comfort in the arms of another, but I dont, and I most certainly dont feel sorry for myself. This just seems to be the only way for me at this time.
I live a lie. I dont share much about my troubles with anyone, and its hard to make friends when you dont want them to see what goes on in your home life or would always be hiding things from them, what people I have contact with I do have I lie too, pretend its all good. I have alienated my own family, because they couldnt understand why I didnt just leave, not that they were offering to help in any way or understood the plight of a single woman with two babies.
One day I will be free from my lies and my lies will hopefully have eased the transition in store for my children.
So the next time you think living a lie is a cop out or a selfish act, please remember their are some people who are sacrificing thier selves for the good of others(my babies). thus "living a lie"
Re:On the Live a Lie Topic pauly: How are you living a lie?
Re:On the Live a Lie Topic jimloveless: (edit)
i'm very sorry, i really come off like a mean person sometimes. if the 'abuse' is really as bad as it sounds, then it's not beneficial for your children to be around it.
Re:On the Live a Lie Topic loshyra: Chantel...
First of welcome to OJAR. Secondly...I know how you are feeling. I know about the living a lie to all those around you. I also know about not wanting to go to the women shelters, because of pride. I have lived that life and I know for a FACT that the grass is greener on the other side. Don't stay because of your kids, in the end you will hurt them more by staying then by leaving....TRUST ME!
I know how hard it is to think about asking for that help, and the pride that you MUST swallow in order to ask for it...however it sounds like you are doing what needs to be done for you to actually leave....i.e the working and saving money, the school...all of this are steps towards leaving, steps towards protecting those little kiddies of yours. Keep it up and you WILL BE ABLE TO LEAVE SOON! Sooner then you think and sooner then you realize right now.
You are a STRONG woman...keep that in mind. You are strong, you are lovable and capable..and there is a BETTER life for you with out the abuse. Without the crying and without the constant walking on egg shells and not trying to piss that other person off. I know, I have been in your hell...lived it for way to long. I am now making a life for me and my 2 children without that abuse, without that hell....without the lies and that constant worry.
PM me if you ever need to talk to another that has been in your shoes..I will listen and help as much as I can. BUT never again think that you are alone.
~D :)
Re:On the Live a Lie Topic StrongerThanUThink: I can relate to your post in so many ways. I had to find a way to leave because of so many reasons. Everything my son witnessed still affects him today and has really been hard for him to cope and deal with. I was scared to kick my ex out (thats what I ended up doing).
Once I finally did it, it was a total act of faith and I had live on a wing and a prayer and I relied a lot on local organizations to get advice. I was well hooked into a local women's group before leaving and they helped a lot. I would highly suggest checking to find the women's group in your area. I intially went looking for help for my son and ended up finding it myself as well. I cannot tell you how much it means to not have to wonder at night whats going to happen each day. I've been where you're at. I lived the lie. I was afraid to tell people, afraid to let them know partly because it would mean that I had to really face it and do something about it myself (thats what I see now in retrospect). The more you deal with it... the more it stirs you up. I've made it this far, you can too. My ex still can drive me nuts at times but man.... life is still soooo much better now.... write if you need support!!!!!
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