About to separate backtosquareone: Hello everyone from the newest newbie! I've been lurking for a couple of days, and the sensitivity of the people on this board is amazing.
I'll try not to make this a novel. We met 8 years ago, and our 4th anniversary is later this month. Our relationship was for the most part good, although we had our share of problems just like anyone else. I think that both of us brought a lot of unresolved issues and insecurities into the marriage, and a lot of things happened that brought them to the surface all at once.
About 2 years ago, my STBX had gastric bypass surgery, and went from nearly 300 pounds to 150. When she was kicking the idea around, all both of us thought was how much healthier she would be, how she would have so much more energy to go out and do things (we really had stopped doing much of anything for a while), more energy for around the house and for me, and everything would be fantastic.
As my presence here would indicate, it didn't quite turn out that way :-\ After her surgery, she went through periods of time where she would withdraw from me, and spent incredible amounts of time at her parents' house hanging out with her family. We got through that, and things were okay for a while, but within the past year we had both slipped back into our "non-communicating" mode (which happened way too often all along), and we were both unhappy. Even though I was unhappy, I always felt that we loved each other and somehow we'd pull through this and get stronger.
Then, in January, she told me that she didn't love me anymore and thought she wanted a divorce. She said that her weight loss had been bringing out a lot of feelings in her that she had repressed for her whole life having been a "fat girl" (her words, not mine). Me, being in complete shock and denial, pleaded with her to give it another chance and not be so quick to give up. To make a long story short, we didn't work things out (I had suggested seeing a counselor and she wouldn't go until last week, when nearly all was lost), and this week decided it was for the best that we separate.
Part of me just feels plain awful, and shocked, and disappointed. I find myself thinking back to when our relationship was at its best, and being upset about how things deteriorated so much. Plus, now we're talking about who wants to take what and selling the house, plus I'm apartment hunting, having to deal with the dreaded spreading of the news to the family (especially mom), and it's just a bear to deal with.
But, part of me knows that this is the right thing to do. I was unhappy too, and to be honest I have a lot of stuff that I still need to work out in myself, and being able to do it while having my own space and freedom will probably be the best thing for me. I have a lot of soul searching and growing to do, and trying to do it while living in my home with this dark cloud hanging over it isn't going to be a good environment for me to do what I need to do.
I think what else is keeping me strong is that we really are "divorcing well". We have been very important and positive people in one another's lives for the past 8 years, even if we didn't relate so well as husband and wife. She told her family, and they said that if we chose, I am still going to be considered a part of her family, and my sister has said that she is still welcome in her home, too. We each know that we need to give each other time and space to work through things, but we at least intend to be good friends at some point.
I guess what I'm trying to brace myself for is the impact of when all this "hits home"; that is, when we actually DO split, plus doing all of the icky emotional work that's involved in the grieving and growth processes. I've never allowed myself to really feel with any degree of intensity, and while I know I need to do it in order to be a better and stronger person, I'm scared to do it. I worry about whether or not I'll be able to handle it.
I sorta wrote a novel, didn't I? ::)
Re:About to separate :broken:: hmm... so, she said she doesn't love you, do you love her?
Re:About to separate Samarra: Greetings to you BTSO...welcome aboard.
I'm sorry you have to go through this but one good thing...your divorce is amicable...so many aren't and it just makes it that much harder.
You are both going through a transitional period now...it's just too bad you have to do it apart.
While your stbxw is using this time to rediscover her repressed feelings (Ican imagine how many there are now that the weight problem is no longer an issue) you should do the same. It might be a great time for you both to mend issues neither have dealt with...and who knows...maybe after a while you can come together again better than before or at the very least remain good friends. I wish you both Good Luck. Keep posting.
Re:About to separate backtosquareone: [quote author=:mended: link=board=1;threadid=13009;start=0#msg107519 date=1118444789">
hmm... so, she said she doesn't love you, do you love her?
[/quote">
That's a very interesting question, because the dynamics here are so unique.
Yes, and no. After reflecting and doing some brutally honest introspection, I do love her in that I care for her well-being and want her to be happy whether or not I am a part of her life.
Romantically, I love the old stbx- the pre-surgery version, with all her faults and insecurities. Why? Because for whatever the reason, she treated me like I was someone special. The post-surgery version, the one who treated me at times like I was piece of furniture, no, I don't love her romantically.
I think a lot of my sadness comes from wishing I could have that "gone" version of her back, and I get to thinking about how great we were, and why can't we just be that way again? I have a ridiculously good memory of even the most mundane events, and sometimes one will just pop up out of nowhere and hit me hard. I'm on such a rollercoaster about all this.
Re:About to separate backtosquareone: [quote author=Samarra link=board=1;threadid=13009;start=0#msg107523 date=1118445457">
Greetings to you BTSO...welcome aboard.
I'm sorry you have to go through this but one good thing...your divorce is amicable...so many aren't and it just makes it that much harder.
You are both going through a transitional period now...it's just too bad you have to do it apart.
While your stbxw is using this time to rediscover her repressed feelings (Ican imagine how many there are now that the weight problem is no longer an issue) you should do the same. It might be a great time for you both to mend issues neither have dealt with...and who knows...maybe after a while you can come together again better than before or at the very least remain good friends. I wish you both Good Luck. Keep posting.
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Thanks, Samarra.
I do know that I have a lot of my own stuff to deal with, and I am sort of looking forward to having the chance (and the willingness) to finally start doing it.
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